my final statement.

[AbsurdAbyss]

i'm never going to recover - even if it kills me. i refuse to be tortured by false hope that inspires fake confidence to ensure permanent thralldom. i don't want to live through my failures only to watch them destroy me again. i don't want to make someone smile only to make them cry again. i don't want to see new things but feel the same, painful feelings again. i don't want to keep living in a world that doesn't need or want me in it anymore than it wants me to die - a relic of the past that's lost both its meaning and significance exists only for mockery. i don't want to be wanted by someone i'll never meet - i don't want to feel unwanted, underappreciated, unnecessary and burdensome by those who have me. i wish i didn't hurt everybody who ever got close to me, i wish i had the strength to spare them my pain. i wish i could save myself from the harm that caused me this pain. i wish i was living in a different world, or a different life in this world, a life i could be proud of, a life i could call my own, from start to finish. a life where my strengths defined me more than my weaknesses. i wish i got to experience everything i've always wanted to but never could in this one - i wish i met those who recognized me for who i am, not just those who remembered me for who i was and saw me for who i will be to them. i wish i could go back and kill myself in the womb, free myself of all my past, present and future suffering. at long last, i wish i could, like Beethoven did in his farewell letter to his beloved, say this to someone who truly longed to hear it :

"be calm - love me, today, yesterday..what tearful language for you, you, you, my life, my all, farewell. oh continue to love me, never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. ever thine, ever mine, ever ours."

 

[opheliaoveragain]

So sorry you're suffering like this, I truly hope you find the peace you seek.

 

[CatLvr]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. How are you today?