Venting my film SUICIDELAND

[chiikawalover616]

i made a film called SUICIDELAND, on youtube a little bit over a week ago. i published it and it received 1 million views.
its like all my life's dreams came true. i made a film, directed by me, and its popular to the point im getting new job opportunities, people everywhere are reaching out to me, expecting new art, its making money and everything.

but i still dont want to live. i still plan to die at the end of july. because the world's getting hotter and ai is here, and i dont see a future at all for the world. but i feel so fucking awful. everything is like the dream for me, and im about to die letting everyone down.

i dont know if theres a solution i just wanted to vent

 

[nelaB]

i made a film called SUICIDELAND, on youtube a little bit over a week ago. i published it and it received 1 million views.
its like all my life's dreams came true. i made a film, directed by me, and its popular to the point im getting new job opportunities, people everywhere are reaching out to me, expecting new art, its making money and everything.

but i still dont want to live. i still plan to die at the end of july. because the world's getting hotter and ai is here, and i dont see a future at all for the world. but i feel so fucking awful. everything is like the dream for me, and im about to die letting everyone down.

i dont know if theres a solution i just wanted to vent

Wow I gotta check that out. Glad a lot of people were able to see it

 

[behindtheveil]

I just saw yr movie, Its amazing, you are so talented. May I know is this what u really feel what happens to us ctb'ers?

 

[nettspend]

I don't know if this is the case for you, but achieving your dreams is often pretty disappointing.

I write fiction and after one of my works blew up I thought I had found my path. I got like 100k unique visits to my tiny personal website in a day. Have never experienced a rush like that without drugs. Of course, it didn't last, and after that it was like everything I published was an attempt to recreate that moment. I eventually stopped posting as I couldn't handle the pressure. I kept getting mail asking for when I would make my return, so I just shut the site down. I felt very ungrateful and ashamed for a long time, that I just threw away this dream I had in my hands.

Point is, happiness is rarely derived from external success, and you shouldn't feel bad about not being appreciative enough or whatever. Plenty of rich, beautiful, successful people struggle with their mental health.

 

[Sylveon]

I'm not sure if you wanna hear it now, but I just saw that video, and it was truly amazing, especially the hindi parts really hit in the feels

I don't know the specifics of your situation, but it's okay if you feel confused during this time, and if you're having any second thoughts, then it's definitely worth sticking around for some more, even if you end up deciding to go through with it anyway.

 

[roastedpotato5230]

i saw it last night funny enough, im already a huge fan

the reactions of amritas parents and all hit super close to home considering im indian too, never thought we would get representation like this lmao

overall goated work love your art

 

[chiikawalover616]

I just saw yr movie, Its amazing, you are so talented. May I know is this what u really feel what happens to us ctb'ers?

no, it was kind of just a fantasy. i wanted to show this idea of "i dont want to die, but the world makes living even harder, so what if there was a world where everyone went through suicide, and was just kind to one another". but if im being honest i dont really believe in an afterlife. i hope there isnt. i just want to stay dead

 

[behindtheveil]

no, it was kind of just a fantasy. i wanted to show this idea of "i dont want to die, but the world makes living even harder, so what if there was a world where everyone went through suicide, and was just kind to one another". but if im being honest i dont really believe in an afterlife. i hope there isnt. i just want to stay dead

Wow, you really captured the core essence. It reminds me of wristcutters- the movie! You know even though I myself am contemplating when to do it, I somehow do agree with Sylveon to a certain extent. You never know if this might be your lucky break or otherwise. But rushing it is far more difficult.
I wish you the very best in whatever you decide and especially for your channel.

 

[Kenny]

I hate to sound like a broken record but your animation really resonated with me. I've been dealing with abuse, my dad actually told me to ctb a few times at this point, same to my siblings, he doesn't care. I cried through most of the animation, not just because it was so relatable, but also because I know that it reached a million people with a message saying "all we wanted is compassion".

I will admit, I am also scared of AI. Not only is it a horrible stain on the earth and economy, it's going to become one of the biggest competitors to almost any field of work. It feels so dystopian to be replaced by a robot...

no, it was kind of just a fantasy. i wanted to show this idea of "i dont want to die, but the world makes living even harder, so what if there was a world where everyone went through suicide, and was just kind to one another". but if im being honest i dont really believe in an afterlife. i hope there isnt. i just want to stay dead

100% correct. I feel like if the world was kinder to us, we wouldn't think the way they do. Hardly anyone here wants to commit deep down, it's the cruelty of the world that forces them to in one way or another. If everyone knew each other's pain and had even the littlest bit of compassion, we'd all be in a different place.

I can definitely see how it's hard to leave people behind. You've touched a lot of people with your animation, and they don't want to see you go. I can see how that'd put you in a weird dilemma, making a last hoorah and having a million people see it. Lots of people look up to you, but it's still your life at the end of the day. One of the last reasons I'm still here is because of my baby sister. I made a half ass attempt a little while ago, maybe a few days before I joined the forum, but I chickened out because I thought about my baby sister mid-attempt.

I'm here to help you out either way you go, if your mind is set then I respect your decision and hope you find a peaceful way to go. If you change your mind or ever want to talk to anyone though, I'm always here, and I'll always listen.

Edit: I thought Youtube had pretty strict demonetisation, how'd you get a film about suicide through without getting demonetised?

 

[100memoryleaks]

great work, it's an amazing film. <3

 

[tend a dead garden]

your film is really cool. Excellent animation and story!

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm going to watch this tonight after dinner. Congratulations on 1M views in a week. That's quite an accomplishment.

 

[lilb0wpeep]

I saw a couple hours after it was posted. It was on my home page/recommended. I thought it was really cool and I like it's not something that specifically had a "happy ending" or a "bad ending" even. It just is. Of course I immediately wondered if it would be brought up on here, but I didn't think the creator of it would post about it here. It's a really nice film and I'm sure plenty of people would love to see more of what you make. That said I absolutely understand the way you feel regardless of all the success that's come from it. Your life will always be up to you but I will say that you should allow yourself to enjoy and make the best of what comes of it.
May you find success, enjoyment, and peace with all you do.

 

[The Eternal One]

Omg, I found and watched it yesterday a few times back to back to back and contemplated heavily posting it on this forum for others to appreciate, but decided against it due to shyness. I had no idea the creator of the movie used this site, as well, though it makes sense in retrospect.

Your movie made me feel so seen, so understood (previously, only "The Cat Lady" reached me the same way and touched the same nerve). Honestly, I thought about this forum the entire time while watching, as if the character of Lola represented my impression of this community at large. These days I can only handle talking to other suicidal people - the deep unspoken understanding between all of us is completely inaccessible to non-suicidal people, so I simply don't bother with them these days.

You made a true piece of art, meant to disturb the comforted and comfort the disturbed. Every symbol in its place, every detail and story beat perfect. Thank you so much for wonderful memories you created.
It's a shame the comment section on Youtube is the usual normie circle jerk talking about the subject they have zero grasp of, but oh well. It's Youtube after all.

On the topic of your post, please, don't feel bad for still having ideation and making plans. You're not throwing away anything or letting everyone down. Such sudden success doesn't normally revert things - this stuff only works in movies. It also doesn't oblige you to keep accumulating more success, capitalizing on anything.
Please, make sure to reward yourself with love and patience for the job well done and don't put any expectations on yourself. Whatever you end up choosing or doing, it's meant to be.