Story My failed attempts and my last hope

[Couchking]

I have failed:
-helium method (a couple of times, did everything right, my guess is that I am either superhuman or the gas company lies about the purity of the helium, eventhough it said 99.9% pure, "quality assured" and "lab tested" and all of that...)
-hanging/strangulation (Tried suspension hanging, tourniquet method...etc There is just no way that this body will ever just sit through the pain and discomfort from it, some people get lucky and pass out, not me, all i get is the feeling of dying and the feeling of my head and eyes exploding from the pressure, even when I tie it extremely tight around the neck, been trying for months)

Virtually every other method is not a good choice for me:
Carbon monoxide: can't do it for a private reason
Nitrogen: same thing as carbon monoxide
Any overdoses: painful, will fail, agonizing
N/F: can't get it where I live
Guns: can't get it where I live, also can fail
Guillotine: too troublesome to find/make
Hitman: impossible to find a reliable one
Jumping: pretty much impossible to do for my body, survival instinct
Hanging: mentioned before
Any other painful methods: same thing as hanging

There is just no way that my body will accept any self harm and not do anything about it. It is how it works.

I do have one hope:
I can aquire a decent amount of money and one year from now I will be able to travel to Mexico/Peru/Any country necessary in order to buy a high dose of Nembutal/Fentanyl.

I can definetely chug any amount of any nasty thing if it means freedom.

Then I could rent a vacation home/hotel somewhere on a pristine perfect beach, unwind for a couple of days, maybe a week of water fasting (better effect of N/F and better mental clarity for me) prepare myself mentally and end it there. It seems to me like the only method that I could do because I won't feel the pain or the life draining from my eyes (atleast not before I do chug it all down)

I am in unimaginable mental pain but this body is a prison and no matter what it will try to keep surviving. It will be one year of waiting, a year of hell, I am already at my limit but there is nothing I can do. I have no methods available to me. Maybe I can use this year to think about death and etc.....anything helps


What do you think of this plan?






I am dead inside. If I could press a button....

 

[creatureoflight]

I feel you. I couldn't do these, either. Guns are not available where I live, too. Good luck with the Nembutal thing.

 

[Couchking]

I feel you. I couldn't do these, either. Guns are not available where I live, too. Good luck with the Nembutal thing.

Thank you.

I honestly do not know how I will get through this year but it will help to know that I am basically already dead.

N/F really seem like the best method around in terms of doing it yourself with the least amount of pain/discomfort/survival instinct.

This might be the way for me.

 

[Thinkinaboutit]

I myself am limited in my ctb options. It's a long story but my crazy ass control freak step mother has access to my bank account, withdrawing money from it to meet a few of the expenses of supporting me. Thus it would be hard to get away with buying a gun, nitrogen or even a rope. I have a bunch of oxy left over from my heart surgery and my recent hope has been to use that with booze but thats an unreliable method and id probably vomit the shit back up. As for any of the hanging/strangulation methods, my hand/eye coordination is so poor that i dont know if i could do it. There is a bridge near my residence but i dont know if it is high enough or i could get up the nerve to experience the terror of the fall.

 

[Couchking]

I myself am limited in my ctb options. It's a long story but my crazy ass control freak step mother has access to my bank account, withdrawing money from it to meet a few of the expenses of supporting me. Thus it would be hard to get away with buying a gun, nitrogen or even a rope. I have a bunch of oxy left over from my heart surgery and my recent hope has been to use that with booze but thats an unreliable method and id probably vomit the shit back up. As for any of the hanging/strangulation methods, my hand/eye coordination is so poor that i dont know if i could do it. There is a bridge near my residence but i dont know if it is high enough or i could get up the nerve to experience the terror of the fall.

They really do make it extremely hard for us to have a peaceful exit don't they.

 

[creatureoflight]

They really do make it extremely hard for us to have a peaceful exit don't they.

Absolutely.
I do wish this stuff was more readily available- it does not help ease my suffering and only makes more people resort to hard methods that risk fucking up their lives if saved.

 

[azeton]

Your helium (https://www.amazon.fr/freelium®-Go-250-Hélium-bouteille/dp/B01NCNRGWR)
is not 99%. "Baloon time" and other party helium mixed with 20% oxygen.

 

[Couchking]

Your helium (https://www.amazon.fr/freelium®-Go-250-Hélium-bouteille/dp/B01NCNRGWR)
is not 99%. "Baloon time" and other party helium mixed with 20% oxygen.

My man, it says 99,5% pure in the description and on the little brochure thing it came with.
Also, it is not Balloon time.

 

[azeton]

This is industrial helium - 99%.

 

[Couchking]

This is industrial helium - 99%.
View attachment 313

Then the company is a garbage lying piece of crap.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I am in unimaginable mental pain but this body is a prison and no matter what it will try to keep surviving. It will be one year of waiting, a year of hell, I am already at my limit but there is nothing I can do. ... What do you think of this plan?

As best I can, I totally get you. Like you, I'm the reject among many self-identifying suicidal because I'm "too suicidal" or "too negative/hopeless." If you ever want to talk just to get through a moment or the days, PM me. Talking about suicide is just about the only thing I enjoy in life anymore.

Wish I could send you peace.

 

[azeton]

Dont risk with helium. Use nitrogen.

 

[Deivis]

Then the company is a garbage lying piece of crap.

You can test your helium. Get some glassware - a big jar or something - slide a tealight candle underneath it - and blow the jar with helium.
When you're sure it has displaced all air and the candle is still burning - there must be some oxygen present.

 

[Couchking]

You can test your helium. Get some glassware - a big jar or something - slide a tealight candle underneath it - and blow the jar with helium.
When you're sure it has displaced all air and the candle is still burning - there must be some oxygen present.

I don't really care for it anymore but it is a good idea for anyone who wants to test their helium

 

[Couchking]

I guess that's the plan.(travelling to buy N in1 year) But I'm not sure I can make it. I always have hanging as my backup method....

 

[Strumgewehr]

I myself am limited in my ctb options. It's a long story but my crazy ass control freak step mother has access to my bank account, withdrawing money from it to meet a few of the expenses of supporting me. Thus it would be hard to get away with buying a gun, nitrogen or even a rope. I have a bunch of oxy left over from my heart surgery and my recent hope has been to use that with booze but thats an unreliable method and id probably vomit the shit back up. As for any of the hanging/strangulation methods, my hand/eye coordination is so poor that i dont know if i could do it. There is a bridge near my residence but i dont know if it is high enough or i could get up the nerve to experience the terror of the fall.

Can you not buy something else like an iphone or a gaming laptop and then quietly pawn it off for half the price and then buy N with that money?

 

[Darkdreamer001]

Your helium (https://www.amazon.fr/freelium®-Go-250-Hélium-bouteille/dp/B01NCNRGWR)
is not 99%. "Baloon time" and other party helium mixed with 20% oxygen.

What about getting 99% helium or nitrogen in the U.S. where can I get it?

 

[Darkdreamer001]

I guess that's the plan.(travelling to buy N in1 year) But I'm not sure I can make it. I always have hanging as my backup method....

I hope it works out for you and you have plenty of money saved. I hope you can get the Nembutal because its becoming more harder to obtain. The laws in Mexico are getting more sticter on the kinds of drugs. I hope that if they make Nembutal co5mplet inaccessible to everyone that they have an efficient substitute.

 

[Smilla]

Why not buy nitrogen online?

Easy breezy.

 

[Darkdreamer001]

Why not buy nitrogen online?

Easy breezy.

With the "sn" there have been reports of people not getting the desired aeffects. It could be due to tampering, maybe the product was just table salt since it's similar in taste and color, or no some people are having a difficult time getting it for some reason. Also, it's suggested to take an acid reducer & antiemetic. The problem mostly arises is trying to obtain a drug that will help you keep "sn" down because the drug is doctor's prescription only. Also, some say to take a sleeping pill because supposedly taking "sn" can cause discomfort and possibly convvulsions. Many people have many methods which means more research on how this could be effective.

 

[Smilla]

With the "sn" there have been reports of people not getting the desired aeffects. It could be due to tampering, maybe the product was just table salt since it's similar in taste and color, or no some people are having a difficult time getting it for some reason. Also, it's suggested to take an acid reducer & antiemetic. The problem mostly arises is trying to obtain a drug that will help you keep "sn" down because the drug is doctor's prescription only. Also, some say to take a sleeping pill because supposedly taking "sn" can cause discomfort and possibly convvulsions. Many people have many methods which means more research on how this could be effective.

I was referring to Nitrogen gas to replace the Helium. Not nitrite

 

[tearsinrain]

I guess that's the plan.(travelling to buy N in1 year) But I'm not sure I can make it. I always have hanging as my backup method....

Where can you travel to buy N? And how to know where and who to contact once you get to the country to buy it?

I'm asking because the only thing stopping me right now is not having a reliable (peaceful) method. So N sounds like the best option, but ordering from Mexico sounds too nerve wracking waiting for a package that may never arrive.

I'd rather travel to a country, any country, that I can be sure I would be able to buy it in person. But I don't know which countries?????

And the fear of failure with other methods scares me too much.

 

[MLongshaw]

I have failed:
-helium method (a couple of times, did everything right, my guess is that I am either superhuman or the gas company lies about the purity of the helium, eventhough it said 99.9% pure, "quality assured" and "lab tested" and all of that...)
-hanging/strangulation (Tried suspension hanging, tourniquet method...etc There is just no way that this body will ever just sit through the pain and discomfort from it, some people get lucky and pass out, not me, all i get is the feeling of dying and the feeling of my head and eyes exploding from the pressure, even when I tie it extremely tight around the neck, been trying for months)

Virtually every other method is not a good choice for me:
Carbon monoxide: can't do it for a private reason
Nitrogen: same thing as carbon monoxide
Any overdoses: painful, will fail, agonizing
N/F: can't get it where I live
Guns: can't get it where I live, also can fail
Guillotine: too troublesome to find/make
Hitman: impossible to find a reliable one
Jumping: pretty much impossible to do for my body, survival instinct
Hanging: mentioned before
Any other painful methods: same thing as hanging

There is just no way that my body will accept any self harm and not do anything about it. It is how it works.

I do have one hope:
I can aquire a decent amount of money and one year from now I will be able to travel to Mexico/Peru/Any country necessary in order to buy a high dose of Nembutal/Fentanyl.

I can definetely chug any amount of any nasty thing if it means freedom.

Then I could rent a vacation home/hotel somewhere on a pristine perfect beach, unwind for a couple of days, maybe a week of water fasting (better effect of N/F and better mental clarity for me) prepare myself mentally and end it there. It seems to me like the only method that I could do because I won't feel the pain or the life draining from my eyes (atleast not before I do chug it all down)

I am in unimaginable mental pain but this body is a prison and no matter what it will try to keep surviving. It will be one year of waiting, a year of hell, I am already at my limit but there is nothing I can do. I have no methods available to me. Maybe I can use this year to think about death and etc.....anything helps


What do you think of this plan?






I am dead inside. If I could press a button....

Is there not fentanyl on deep web?

 

[Mari]

Virtually every other method is not a good choice for me:
Carbon monoxide: can't do it for a private reason
Nitrogen: same thing as carbon monoxide
Any overdoses: painful, will fail, agonizing
N/F: can't get it where I live
Guns: can't get it where I live, also can fail
Guillotine: too troublesome to find/make
Hitman: impossible to find a reliable one
Jumping: pretty much impossible to do for my body, survival instinct
Hanging: mentioned before
Any other painful methods: same thing as hanging

There is just no way that my body will accept any self harm and not do anything about it. It is how it works.


I am dead inside. If I could press a button....

May I ask if you have considered sodium nitrite? I imagine having taken a proper amount of painkillers/sedatives like benzos should knock you off before you experience the effect of the sn itself?

 

[Corky McButterpants]

You can test your helium. Get some glassware - a big jar or something - slide a tealight candle underneath it - and blow the jar with helium.
When you're sure it has displaced all air and the candle is still burning - there must be some oxygen present.

I'm sorry Delvis, I wouldn't recommend relying on such a homebrew test. Better to rely on a cheap (relatively) O² tester such as these; that can be had from our friends in China/Hong Kong.

The problem being that the adulterated Helium/Air blend used for balloon gas is laced with ~20% Air. And that's the main takeaway here... you're actually looking at O² being 21% of 20% (1/25), which means actual presence of Oxygen is somewhere down around 4%.

The danger here (with such a low Oxygen concentration) is how you take proper care in filling the inverted container and introducing the flame without allowing time for the heavier Oxygen to escape the test vessel; otherwise the flame goes in to what is basically pure Helium and immediately extinguishes —giving the wrong conclusion.

Carried out properly, it's an excellent lo-fi solution, but for those less capable with such tinkering, they're more liable to get inconclusive results; while also possibly wasting half the tank away with repeated attempts. lol

IMPORTANT:
I myself got into a very lengthy (and ultimately futile) email exchange with a representative of Balloon time who turned out to be an agent at Amtrol (who make the tanks)... recently acquired by Worthington Industries (who market the Balloon Time product). Though I ordered a Balloon Time tank with a fill date of June 2018, the printing on the canister itself said nothing about being a blended mixture. Even designated with the United Nations hazardous chemicals ID for pure Helium (UN1046), the agent was insistent that I was looking at a blend of Helium/Air. On initially asking for a Safety Data Sheet, he sent me the UN1046 one... on double checking with him that it was pure helium, he confirmed that it is 'It is 80 percent helium and 20 percent air.' He then sent me the SDS for UN1956 (blended)... this is what led down the rabbit hole... He exasperatingly stating in his final mail that they haven't used pure Helium in 4-5 years. I fired off that it was a little disconcerting that they haven't seen fit to update their canister print in those 4-5 years; and now he's not speaking to me —though he was very terse during the whole exchange :(
TL; DR
If you can't even trust what's printed on the Helium canister itself, it behoves you to carry out reliable and accurate testing; or try and acquire Nitrogen/Argon which you can be sure is marked correctly on the cyclinder!

•••
Some interesting reading debunking the common misconceptions on how a lit flame acts in a jar here.

 

[Corky McButterpants]

Further data on the effects of O² deprivation: