Help My experience of last Saturday. Need to know what exactly happened.

[friday21st]

So last Saturday I thought I was 100% ready to go through with it. I had the noose and notes ready. I stayed up until 3am thinking "tonight is the night" the whole time and I was okay with it. However when I was putting my shoes on to leave I broke down crying and I couldn't catch my breath. (I think this may have been a panic attack but I've never had one before so idk). Could this have been survival instinct kicking in? Or could this mean I'm not ready even though I believe I am?

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that it certainly could be the survival instinct as it's like the survival instinct exists just to prolong our suffering and keep us trapped here in this world. But after all, the reality is that suicide simply isn't straightforward, and to me hanging sounds like a difficult method to go through with, I just think that only the individual knows when the time is right to leave.

 

[Worndown]

It sounds like you are not ready yet.

 

[friday21st]

It sounds like you are not ready yet.

How could I prepare myself mentally. I don't want to be here anymore.

 

[Worndown]

You are probably prepared now. That is different than being ready. When ready, you will do it.

 

[Lostandlooking]

This could take a long time going back and forth. (Or maybe not, I don't know you or where you're at of course) You can do things to prepare yourself mentally, closing yourself off from any positivity and such. Trying to take in the reality of suicide and trying to be okay with it. Still you might find yourself continuing to doubt or just being unable to do it. Maybe you could just see it as a journey. And when you're ready, you'll know it. If that day doesn't arrive for a long time, so be it. I know continuing to live with a lot of pain is well… painful. Only you can decide when it has become totally unbearable. And then still, see if your actually ready. I hope your situation allows you to take things day by day. And continue to evaluate your desire to die day by day. As others have said: you can prepare. But you can't force yourself to be ready.

I don't know the level of hell your experiencing right now. But I wish you well and hope you have some strenght left to take this day by day for now.