Venting My ex/closest friend kinda encouraged my sh and idk how to feel about it

[sinnrr-sistrr]

So, my ex, with whom I was with for a bit more than a year and broke up with because of my mental health, is still the person I'm the closest to and to whom I seek support when I need it.

Yesterday was pretty bad for me. I was feeling pretty terrible the whole day, but especially later during the evening. I decided to call her before I relapsed into cutting myself, and during the call she told me to do it so I feel better.

I was taken aback, frankly, especially since I was trying to stop partly, if not mainly, for her, and now she was encouraging it. Later, she explained her rationale, telling me that she sees how much this addiction is consuming me and how much it actually helps me with my suicidal ideation when I cut. She doesn't want to be the reason I suffer so much because I'm not cutting anymore.

I know she was trying to help, but it kinda just triggered me and frustrated me. When I told her she took it back and apologized. I did end up relapsing last night.

Later that night, she told me that she thinks it's immoral to force people to stay alive if they're clearly suffering and have been for a long time, like in my case. I've been trying my hardest to stay alive for her and that also got to me a little, even though it's kinda the whole SaSu philosophy. It's like, why am I even trying to recover atp?

She did tell me that even though she believes that, she needs me to stay aluve for her sake, because it would shatter her and I'll certainly keep trying for her. It's just, encouraging my self-harm and telling me that it'd be reasonable for me to ctb kinda...

idk how to feel about it

 

[MrMegalomaniac]

When you share something like this (sh) to anyone that doesnt sh at some point they'll understand that there's a reason you're doing it and that it brings something to you.
It's not uncommon for people that are friends with someone that sh to "encourage" you, though obviously the psychology of why they're doing it varies person to person.
Many people grow accustomed to it and start viewing it as normal, many others just don't know what to do, they feel lost and end up enabling sh as long as they're there to supervise or minimize the harm, some others encourage it out of malice and sadism.
Ofc these are just some generalizations.
I want to just tell you this, instead on focusing on her willingness to encourage you, focus on why she did/said that, what was her intention behind it?
I think intent matters most here, and you can gather intent from her own words/actions and your own observations.
Stay safe.

 

[hurts2b]

That sounds like a very messy situation.

Does she deal with her own mental health issues too?

You've spoken to her in the past about your SH. And she's helped you resist it a lot in the past. Her actions here weren't the best but. I do have faith in her intentions. Enabling like this is a sign of desperation. It sucks to see people you care about hurting. It can be tempting to do/say anything to make someone feel better in the moment. But she needs to remember that unhealthy coping is unhealthy because it makes things worse in the long run.

Recovery tends to make your mental health worse at first, but it gives you the skillet you actually need to cope. It makes you much more resilient. Sitting with the urge without acting on it is uncomfortable obviously. But it's wrong of her to interpret that as "stopping sh makes you worse".

I'm glad you're going to keep trying for her. I hope you reach a point where. You can try for yourself too.

I also understand that you've been dealing with a lot of external stress too.

Just make sure she knows not to enable or encourage you in the future.

 

[sinnrr-sistrr]

Many people grow accustomed to it and start viewing it as normal, many others just don't know what to do, they feel lost and end up enabling sh as long as they're there to supervise or minimize the harm,

I think this more closely matched my ex's position when she told me to cut if it'd help me. She's seen me go from being clean for 2 years to relapsing hard, from being sane to being hospitalized for SI, and all that in the space of a couple months. I know that she feels powerless to my situation and just wants me to feel better.

Enabling like this is a sign of desperation. It sucks to see people you care about hurting. It can be tempting to do/say anything to make someone feel better in the moment. But she needs to remember that unhealthy coping is unhealthy because it makes things worse in the long run.

I think you hit the nail on the head here, I'll mention it to her too.

Thanks guys for the help <3