sadsillygoose
Member
- Jan 2, 2026
- 20
When I was a kid, I used to feel really guilty about lying to my parents about studying, They would wake me up at 5am because south asian parents believe "studying early in the morning makes you smarter". I would try my best to pay attention but I was just staring at the words, then slowly I would close my eyes but try to keep my head in the right position so that they wouldnt get suspicious. Then I started actually putting my head down pretending to memorize, which turned into studying from the mobile, which turned into locking myself in the room and playing some random mobile games during covid, to watching entire movies or doomscrolling the whole day, this has went on for the last decade.
I realised that my parents did not care as long as I was looking like I was reading, which turned into my parents dont care as long as I look like Im paying attention to something, which turrned into my parents dont care as long as my grades are good, which turned into my parents dont care as long as people around me think Im smart and have my life together, which has currently turned into my parents dont care as long as im not actively telling them that I want to kill myself.
They definitely know the truth, they will just give me some advice, pat my back and then go to sleep. Ive had so many mental breakdowns in front of them, that I feel like a fucking toddler having another pity party because their momma and papa didnt buy their favourite toy. As an adult I do realise that it is really fucking embarassing to base your entire life around your parents, but Im a toddler in a literal sense that I only eat and sleep and cry, other than that I doomscroll and watch movies to feel something. Just like a loud crying baby, Ive based my entire life solely around how miserable I feel.
The biggest lie Ive ever said: "Im going to live my best life for the next X months and if life doesnt get better till then, Ill kill myself"
If I wanted to actually live I wouldnt be going to college, or talking to my family and friends. I would travel around the world and go on adventures by myself. But I'm broke, which means I dont deserve it and need to spend the rest of my existing chasing some fucking impossible dream of earning enough to have a say on what my life should look like. Until then Im just another number who is adding onto the competition in the job market, just another former gifted kid who didnt live upto their full potential.
Even if I know that people have their own shit to deal with, I feel so fucking free venting out to them. Even though I know their advice isnt going to change my life even by the slightest, it feels good to have someone atleast fucking pretending to listen to you and fake caring about you. Im so pathetic that I take advantage of people politely asking me if Im ok and then ruin their entire fucking day, then Ill move on to the next person and do this over and over again.
Being a liar for such a long time I feel like Im far away from everyone, like everyone is in one of those crystal glass globes and Im just standing outside watching them. Worse part is that I dont feel guilty enough to change anything. I dont try to study, or learn new skills because I know, that Ill never make an actual effort to get a job. If you are an Indian woman you are expected to drop your entire fucking education, carrer and hobbies when you get a husband, so Im just using my education and job hunt to postpone getting married. After marriage, Ill be expected to have a kid, and then Ill be expected to live and work for my family until I die, because thats what society expects women to happily and willingly do.
I dont want any of those things. I dont want to spend the rest of my life in another lie that meeting my husband would somehow magically make me wanna fall in love and fuck him, to build a family whose mere thought makes all the suffering go away. I dont buy a fucking second of that. I would rather jump off my 7 story apartment building, become paralysed and go in a coma, be shamed for it and see my parents cry for the rest of my life until they eventually pass away and the nurses turn off the life support because they wont be getting the money to keep me alive anymore.
I realised that my parents did not care as long as I was looking like I was reading, which turned into my parents dont care as long as I look like Im paying attention to something, which turrned into my parents dont care as long as my grades are good, which turned into my parents dont care as long as people around me think Im smart and have my life together, which has currently turned into my parents dont care as long as im not actively telling them that I want to kill myself.
They definitely know the truth, they will just give me some advice, pat my back and then go to sleep. Ive had so many mental breakdowns in front of them, that I feel like a fucking toddler having another pity party because their momma and papa didnt buy their favourite toy. As an adult I do realise that it is really fucking embarassing to base your entire life around your parents, but Im a toddler in a literal sense that I only eat and sleep and cry, other than that I doomscroll and watch movies to feel something. Just like a loud crying baby, Ive based my entire life solely around how miserable I feel.
The biggest lie Ive ever said: "Im going to live my best life for the next X months and if life doesnt get better till then, Ill kill myself"
If I wanted to actually live I wouldnt be going to college, or talking to my family and friends. I would travel around the world and go on adventures by myself. But I'm broke, which means I dont deserve it and need to spend the rest of my existing chasing some fucking impossible dream of earning enough to have a say on what my life should look like. Until then Im just another number who is adding onto the competition in the job market, just another former gifted kid who didnt live upto their full potential.
Even if I know that people have their own shit to deal with, I feel so fucking free venting out to them. Even though I know their advice isnt going to change my life even by the slightest, it feels good to have someone atleast fucking pretending to listen to you and fake caring about you. Im so pathetic that I take advantage of people politely asking me if Im ok and then ruin their entire fucking day, then Ill move on to the next person and do this over and over again.
Being a liar for such a long time I feel like Im far away from everyone, like everyone is in one of those crystal glass globes and Im just standing outside watching them. Worse part is that I dont feel guilty enough to change anything. I dont try to study, or learn new skills because I know, that Ill never make an actual effort to get a job. If you are an Indian woman you are expected to drop your entire fucking education, carrer and hobbies when you get a husband, so Im just using my education and job hunt to postpone getting married. After marriage, Ill be expected to have a kid, and then Ill be expected to live and work for my family until I die, because thats what society expects women to happily and willingly do.
I dont want any of those things. I dont want to spend the rest of my life in another lie that meeting my husband would somehow magically make me wanna fall in love and fuck him, to build a family whose mere thought makes all the suffering go away. I dont buy a fucking second of that. I would rather jump off my 7 story apartment building, become paralysed and go in a coma, be shamed for it and see my parents cry for the rest of my life until they eventually pass away and the nurses turn off the life support because they wont be getting the money to keep me alive anymore.
