immolation
mensajera de la santa muerte
- Oct 31, 2025
- 21
im giving myself a deadline of my next birthday (april 19, about 6 months from writing this) to figure myself and my life out. im using this time to try my hardest to turn things around and try to find real enjoyment and reasons to live. ive decided that if i still feel this way by then, im going to just get it over with using the ligature method.
my reasons being:
1. the age im turning is when im supposed to have things figured out and start preparing for my future. things i do actually start to matter, so if im still this depressed and unmotivated theres really no point in staying. my grades are awful and i have no work ethic. i wont achieve anything i want to live for if all i do is lay in bed.
2. ive felt this way my entire life, and already survived a few (admittedly horribly planned) attempts. every time i feel "better" its hollow and short-lived. and thats not worth staying.
3. the people in my life will be okay with it. ive told 3 of my friends and none of them really cared. all my friends that might care are long distance, so what i do wont affect them much either way. my parents might care, but our relationship is complicated and i dont think they like me much in the first place.
5. im overall really messed up mentally, and have been for a while. my first instances of self harm and first suicide attempt were at 10 years old. then again at 11. at 12 years old i was raped and that messed me up a lot more. at 13 i was in active addiction and attempted again, this was my worst and got me put inpatient in a psychiatric facility. i have autism as well so realistically, nobody expects me to live longer than maybe 30.
6. i hate myself. a lot. everything about me. my body, my face, my personality. ive hated myself since i was 10. i think im ugly and annoying and worthless. im closeted queer and i hate that part of myself even more. i cant think of anything about myself that i like.
there are some things i want to do that i think could be worth living for. i want to be a paramedic, or a standup comedian, or maybe a foreign language interpreter. i want to move to thailand. i want to adopt a kid as a single parent and give them the best life they could possibly live. but im not sure i could realistically achieve any of this, and i dont feel that living is worth it if i dont.
my reasons being:
1. the age im turning is when im supposed to have things figured out and start preparing for my future. things i do actually start to matter, so if im still this depressed and unmotivated theres really no point in staying. my grades are awful and i have no work ethic. i wont achieve anything i want to live for if all i do is lay in bed.
2. ive felt this way my entire life, and already survived a few (admittedly horribly planned) attempts. every time i feel "better" its hollow and short-lived. and thats not worth staying.
3. the people in my life will be okay with it. ive told 3 of my friends and none of them really cared. all my friends that might care are long distance, so what i do wont affect them much either way. my parents might care, but our relationship is complicated and i dont think they like me much in the first place.
5. im overall really messed up mentally, and have been for a while. my first instances of self harm and first suicide attempt were at 10 years old. then again at 11. at 12 years old i was raped and that messed me up a lot more. at 13 i was in active addiction and attempted again, this was my worst and got me put inpatient in a psychiatric facility. i have autism as well so realistically, nobody expects me to live longer than maybe 30.
6. i hate myself. a lot. everything about me. my body, my face, my personality. ive hated myself since i was 10. i think im ugly and annoying and worthless. im closeted queer and i hate that part of myself even more. i cant think of anything about myself that i like.
there are some things i want to do that i think could be worth living for. i want to be a paramedic, or a standup comedian, or maybe a foreign language interpreter. i want to move to thailand. i want to adopt a kid as a single parent and give them the best life they could possibly live. but im not sure i could realistically achieve any of this, and i dont feel that living is worth it if i dont.
