My ctb: 13 june by jumping

[Defenestration]

Je viens de te le partager, pour te rappeler à quel point c'est difficile... J'étais sûre de mon choix, pas d'humeur changeante comme toi, et ça n'a rien changé, j'ai juste échoué encore et encore. Je n'ai aucun conseil pour combattre SI ou je ne serai pas là. J'ai essayé des pilules et, étant très fatiguée, cela n'a rien changé. La seule chose que je peux dire, c'est : tout dépend de l'impulsion finale. il est clair que cela doit être fait directement, rapidement, sans aucune réflexion ni hésitation...
C'est donc à vous d'essayer et de voir. Tout le monde est différent, je ne dis pas que cet élan final impossible à réaliser pour moi, est vrai pour n'importe qui. Personne ne le sait avant de l'essayer.

Comme votre humeur change de le vouloir à ne pas le vouloir, comme je sais que vous n'avez pas d'endroits où vous pouvez aller facilement et essayer à chaque fois que vous le souhaitez et que vous vous sentez suicidaire depuis 20 ans ; j'ai le sentiment que ce sera difficile. Ou tu ne seras pas là. Je pense que beaucoup d'entre nous sur le forum n'y parviennent pas, mais n'y parviennent tout simplement pas.

Je ne sais pas si j'aurai une crise suicidaire plus tard ou non. Mais j'ai tendance à penser que je vais essayer de l'éviter autant que possible. Ces derniers mois ont été un enfer surtout ces derniers jours, à essayer encore et encore, c'était vraiment dur à gérer. Je suis toujours sous le choc et épuisé. Je sais que les semaines et les mois à venir seront très durs car je me suis mis dans la pire situation possible pour me forcer à cotiser. Donc le moment qui vient sera dingue mais pas le choix, je vais devoir l'assumer et faire de mon mieux pour sortir de cette phase. Mourir violemment est malheureusement difficile à réaliser. Je préférerais être mort, mais je ne peux pas, c'est tout.

Je ne suis donc clairement pas bien placé pour donner des conseils sur SI. Asi a dit, je pense qu'il s'agit simplement d'une impulsion très déterminée. La manière d'agir la plus rapide et la plus directe est la seule chance. Si vous essayez, vous saurez rapidement si vous le pouvez ou non.

Merci si je ne donne plus de nouvelles ici ou sur un autre film c'est que j'aurai réussi...

comment vous sentez-vous aujourd'hui?

Humeur très changeante...

 

[TheLastBoyOnEarth]

How are you feeling today?

 

[Defenestration]

How are you feeling today?

I dont know what i want

 

[TheLastBoyOnEarth]

I dont know what i want

You know you don't have to do it unless you want to. Think it through. It's one of the most important decisions you are going to make.

 

[Defenestration]

You know you don't have to do it unless you want to. Think it through. It's one of the most important decisions you are going to make.

yes of course but in a few months it will only be worse, it cannot get better... there is no positive outcome. and this may be the last chance I have to jump 60 m high

 

[TheLastBoyOnEarth]

yes of course but in a few months it will only be worse, it cannot get better... there is no positive outcome. and this may be the last chance I have to jump 60 m high

worse in what way, if i may ask

 

[Cinnamorolls]

I'm a little concerned that you already tried the same method from the same height twice and it didn't work, and now you are going to try the same thing again. It seems there's a high chance that it won't work. While I respect whatever choice you make, this doesn't seem like a good idea.

 

[Defenestration]

worse in what way, if i may ask

My mother has the beginnings of Alzheimer's disease. she remains completely autonomous for the moment. She lives with my father who is already 74 years old. If the mother's condition deteriorates, I will no longer be able to abandon her... I hate myself I'm so selfish. but I had to take care of the love of life (7 and a half years of relationship) and for 1 and a half years he was seriously ill I took care of him 24 hours a day before his death...
I don't have the shoulders to do that again. yes I shame myself I am very selfish

I'm a little concerned that you already tried the same method from the same height twice and it didn't work, and now you are going to try the same thing again. It seems there's a high chance that it won't work. While I respect whatever choice you make, this doesn't seem like a good idea.

Yes

 

[Defenestration]

Déjà lundi 10 !!!
not ready

Je suis un peu inquiet que vous ayez déjà essayé deux fois la même méthode à la même hauteur et que cela n'ait pas fonctionné, et maintenant vous allez réessayer la même chose. Il semble qu'il y ait de fortes chances que cela ne fonctionne pas. Même si je respecte quel que soit votre choix, cela ne semble pas être une bonne idée.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Gabapentin helps anxiety. Have you tried it?

 

[Defenestration]

Gabapentin helps anxiety. Have you tried it?

no I don't have that... one of the solutions would be to drink a lot of Dicodin and Valium very quickly... and for fear of having respiratory depression (respiratory depression is too scary) and then being forcibly interned and all that this implies for the rest of my life, the views of loved ones etc... I will be forced to panic for fear of finding myself interned or running out of air... I read that alcohol was bad because it relaxes the muscles I think the drugs too but given the height 60 m and if I fall on grass or hard I will have to die at 98/100 especially since I told the advance directives not to let me in a vegetative state to let me die.

 

[Ambivalent1]

no I don't have that... one of the solutions would be to drink a lot of Dicodin and Valium very quickly... and for fear of having respiratory depression (respiratory depression is too scary) and then being forcibly interned and all that this implies for the rest of my life, the views of loved ones etc... I will be forced to panic for fear of finding myself interned or running out of air... I read that alcohol was bad because it relaxes the muscles I think the drugs too but given the height 60 m and if I fall on grass or hard I will have to die at 98/100 especially since I told the advance directives not to let me in a vegetative state to let me die.

I meant anxiety overall, not in ctb.

 

[Defenestration]

Je parlais d'anxiété en général, pas de ctb.

Je ne cherche plus à guérir mais juste a mourir...je ne guerirai jamais et les prochains mois/années s'annoncent très dur

 

[Ambivalent1]

Je ne cherche plus à guérir mais juste a mourir...je ne guerirai jamais et les prochains mois/années s'annoncent très dur

Not french

 

[Defenestration]

Not french

Oups sorry
Automatic traduction

I Said doctors said that for me it's difficult to be healthy.
I just want to die...not fight to try to be better

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Je ne cherche plus à guérir mais juste a mourir...je ne guerirai jamais et les prochains mois/années s'annoncent très dur

Does it not help to keep this in mind when you're contemplating the jump? Just reminding yourself of your reasons might help fight SI...but then again that sounds a bit like using a garden hose to put out a forest fire.

 

[Defenestration]

N'est-il pas utile de garder cela à l'esprit lorsque vous envisagez de sauter ? Le simple fait de vous rappeler vos raisons pourrait aider à combattre l'IS… mais là encore, cela ressemble un peu à utiliser un tuyau d'arrosage pour éteindre un incendie de forêt.

Indeed but SI will be stronger..
I must to do impulsive jumping without think

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Indeed but SI will be stronger..
I must to do impulsive jumping without think

I agree with @black and white that it's best to not think. Despite how much planning is lauded on this site, I've found it to be a real detriment in my own attempts due to everything black and white mentioned...

Regardless it's devastating to see someone forced into a situation like this (not least due to living in a pro-life society that robs them of safe, painless methods), I'm really sorry :(

 

[Cinnamorolls]

My mother has the beginnings of Alzheimer's disease. she remains completely autonomous for the moment. She lives with my father who is already 74 years old. If the mother's condition deteriorates, I will no longer be able to abandon her... I hate myself I'm so selfish. but I had to take care of the love of life (7 and a half years of relationship) and for 1 and a half years he was seriously ill I took care of him 24 hours a day before his death...
I don't have the shoulders to do that again. yes I shame myself I am very selfish

It is very difficult to take care of sick loved ones. I don't think anyone would call you selfish for feeling like you can't handle going through that again. Is there any way a caregiver could be hired to look after her, or she could be placed in a nursing home?

 

[jhon99]

Indeed but SI will be stronger..
I must to do impulsive jumping without think

how did you survive a 60m jump?

 

[Defenestration]

comment as-tu survécu à un saut de 60 m ?

Never jump...just try

It is very difficult to take care of sick loved ones. I don't think anyone would call you selfish for feeling like you can't handle going through that again. Is there any way a caregiver could be hired to look after her, or she could be placed in a nursing home?

THANKS. yes there is always a way to work things out. my mother is still completely independent even if she has some problems with memory, speech and understanding... the hardest part would not be taking care of it (I would be physically capable of it) but seeing my mother sink into this illness is awful...I know how it ends, I was a caregiver and I can't bear to see that, I fuck become crazy

 

[Defenestration]

 

[Defenestration]

Time heals nothing

 

[Defenestration]

Exhausted physically

 

[Davey36000]

Could you reconsider doing that?

People have survived big falls like that, so imagine if that happens to you?

I remember seeing a video of someone who I think survived exactly the same height (it was an accidental fall at a construction site).

 

[Defenestration]

I gave my instructions anticipated in writing to my doctor and put on a website and stuck behind my identity card + left a copy with my parents as if between life and death no therapeutic relentlessness, no resuscitation, respiratory assistance , no hydration or artificial nutrition etc.

I'm taking the risk, so we'll see... I had casually discussed with 2 doctors and a fire chief who told me that the chances of survival were very low.

And the lostallhope site says that above 47 m on hard ground there is a 95 to 98/100 chance of dying.

 

[Defenestration]

 

[OrphicEnd]

What are you thinking at this precise moment?

 

[black and white]

60m on concrète is clearly efficient 99,9%
On grass i dont know.


If you're already that nervous, even before going there, i think it's a strong signal that you won't make it. You're scared, hesitating and feeling Bad. I told you already, 20 years you think about it and still there. If you really wanted, if you were able to make it, you would be dead since long. As me.
Not really sure why you think things will get worst for you. How do you know? Your parents will be helped, there are people caring for that. You could be present and help as it's possible for you. Maybe just visiting. Some professionnals do the Big work.
About yourself, you know your condition. You can live with that. You have some up and down. You really need to learn how to counterattack the down vibes.
And sorry to say but you dont live for your parents, but for yourself. Find some activities for yourself. To keep busy and get satisfaction. I know it sounds stupid but the most simple, the most effective. If you do nothing, have nothing to bring you satisfaction in life, yeah that's sure the down period will hit strong.

I dont know you, nor your condition,but if you survived till there, handling all what you did, you are stronger than you think. Sad you Lost your partner, true... But at least you had true love, that's something. And someone else could arrive later, WE never know; but generally chances are increased if we are in good condition.
That's not because WE react more extrem than average people in the mind that we are Monsters or cripple. And it's not only negative, it also Comes with more empathy, more deepness, more intuition, more kindness, emotions, spirituality, différent level and skills of thoughts etc. The society like to look at you as a diminish one, or maybe your are considering yourself this way. But i dont think you are. I'm sure you have lots of qualities. You're too hard on yourself. I think you are too tired,not only by your condition but by life generally. Your life events gave you that feelings that it's not worth it. Even when something good Come, it's temporary and it seems like life having fun to take it from us. Yeah life is cruel, somehow sadistic. I think that's why many of us find comfort by isolating themselves, less harm, less disappointment etc...

Just relax, jump or don't. It's not me to décidé but only you. But one way or another, just be fine. No need more torture and sufferings.

 

[Defenestration]

60m sur béton est clairement efficace 99,9%
Sur l'herbe, je ne sais pas.


Si vous êtes déjà si nerveux, avant même d'y aller, je pense que c'est un signal fort que vous n'y arriverez pas. Vous avez peur, vous hésitez et vous vous sentez mal. Je te l'ai déjà dit, 20 ans tu y penses et toujours là. Si tu le voulais vraiment, si tu parvenais à y arriver, tu serais mort depuis longtemps. Comme moi.
Je ne sais pas vraiment pourquoi vous pensez que les choses vont empirer pour vous. Comment savez-vous? Tes parents seront aidés, il y a des gens qui s'en occupent. Vous pourriez être présent et aider dans la mesure du possible pour vous. Peut-être juste pour visiter. Certains professionnels font le gros œuvre.
Concernant vous-même, vous connaissez votre état. Vous pouvez vivre avec ça. Vous en avez des hauts et des bas. Vous devez vraiment apprendre à contre-attaquer les vibrations négatives.
Et désolé de le dire, mais vous ne vivez pas pour vos parents, mais pour vous-même. Trouvez des activités pour vous-même. Pour s'occuper et obtenir de la satisfaction. Je sais que ça paraît bête mais le plus simple, le plus efficace. Si vous ne faites rien, n'avez rien pour vous apporter satisfaction dans la vie, oui, c'est sûr que la période de dépression va être forte.

Je ne connais pas vous, ni votre état, mais si vous avez survécu jusque-là, en gérant tout ce que vous avez fait, vous êtes plus fort que vous ne le pensez. Triste d'avoir perdu ton partenaire, c'est vrai... Mais au moins tu as eu le véritable amour, c'est quelque chose. Et quelqu'un d'autre pourrait arriver plus tard, on ne sait jamais ; mais en général les chances sont augmentées si nous sommes en bonne condition.
Ce n'est pas parce que NOUS réagissons de manière plus extrême que la moyenne des gens en pensant que nous sommes des monstres ou des infirmes. Et ce n'est pas seulement négatif, cela vient aussi avec plus d'empathie, plus de profondeur, plus d'intuition, plus de gentillesse, d'émotions, de spiritualité, différents niveaux et capacités de pensée, etc. La société aime vous considérer comme une personne diminuée, ou peut-être que vous l'êtes. en vous considérant de cette façon. Mais je ne pense pas que tu l'es. Je suis sûr que tu as beaucoup de qualités. Tu es trop dur avec toi-même. Je pense que tu es trop fatigué, non seulement par ton état mais par la vie en général. Les événements de votre vie vous ont donné le sentiment que cela n'en vaut pas la peine. Même quand quelque chose de bien arrive, c'est temporaire et on dirait que la vie s'amuse à nous le prendre. Ouais, la vie est cruelle, quelque peu sadique. Je pense que c'est pour ça que beaucoup d'entre nous trouvent du réconfort en s'isolant, moins de mal, moins de déception etc...

Détendez-vous, sautez ou pas. Ce n'est pas moi qui décide mais seulement toi. Mais d'une manière ou d'une autre, tout va bien. Pas besoin de plus de torture et de souffrances.

MAGNIFIC text

A quoi penses-tu à ce moment précis ?

I watched athlétism and i was content.
It's funny that the sites talk about either falling on hard ground or water...around the buildings there is a lot of grass...the grass is still rather hard...esa say to fall from your height on the grass it hurts. I'm talking here about grass and not bush my friend told me that someone had committed suicide from the 11th floor and landed in the (neighbor's) garden, grassy I suppose. for me there is grass but also hard difficult to aim and at worst if I jump and I don't die instantly I hope to die shortly after like in the ambulance or in the hospital

60m on concrète is clearly efficient 99,9%
On grass i dont know.


If you're already that nervous, even before going there, i think it's a strong signal that you won't make it. You're scared, hesitating and feeling Bad. I told you already, 20 years you think about it and still there. If you really wanted, if you were able to make it, you would be dead since long. As me.
Not really sure why you think things will get worst for you. How do you know? Your parents will be helped, there are people caring for that. You could be present and help as it's possible for you. Maybe just visiting. Some professionnals do the Big work.
About yourself, you know your condition. You can live with that. You have some up and down. You really need to learn how to counterattack the down vibes.
And sorry to say but you dont live for your parents, but for yourself. Find some activities for yourself. To keep busy and get satisfaction. I know it sounds stupid but the most simple, the most effective. If you do nothing, have nothing to bring you satisfaction in life, yeah that's sure the down period will hit strong.

I dont know you, nor your condition,but if you survived till there, handling all what you did, you are stronger than you think. Sad you Lost your partner, true... But at least you had true love, that's something. And someone else could arrive later, WE never know; but generally chances are increased if we are in good condition.
That's not because WE react more extrem than average people in the mind that we are Monsters or cripple. And it's not only negative, it also Comes with more empathy, more deepness, more intuition, more kindness, emotions, spirituality, différent level and skills of thoughts etc. The society like to look at you as a diminish one, or maybe your are considering yourself this way. But i dont think you are. I'm sure you have lots of qualities. You're too hard on yourself. I think you are too tired,not only by your condition but by life generally. Your life events gave you that feelings that it's not worth it. Even when something good Come, it's temporary and it seems like life having fun to take it from us. Yeah life is cruel, somehow sadistic. I think that's why many of us find comfort by isolating themselves, less harm, less disappointment etc...

Just relax, jump or don't. It's not me to décidé but only you. But one way or another, just be fine. No need more torture and sufferings.

@ blackandwhite I can't bear to see my mother lose her mind or not recognize me...I worked with Alzheimer's I know how it works

60m on concrète is clearly efficient 99,9%
On grass i dont know.


If you're already that nervous, even before going there, i think it's a strong signal that you won't make it. You're scared, hesitating and feeling Bad. I told you already, 20 years you think about it and still there. If you really wanted, if you were able to make it, you would be dead since long. As me.
Not really sure why you think things will get worst for you. How do you know? Your parents will be helped, there are people caring for that. You could be present and help as it's possible for you. Maybe just visiting. Some professionnals do the Big work.
About yourself, you know your condition. You can live with that. You have some up and down. You really need to learn how to counterattack the down vibes.
And sorry to say but you dont live for your parents, but for yourself. Find some activities for yourself. To keep busy and get satisfaction. I know it sounds stupid but the most simple, the most effective. If you do nothing, have nothing to bring you satisfaction in life, yeah that's sure the down period will hit strong.

I dont know you, nor your condition,but if you survived till there, handling all what you did, you are stronger than you think. Sad you Lost your partner, true... But at least you had true love, that's something. And someone else could arrive later, WE never know; but generally chances are increased if we are in good condition.
That's not because WE react more extrem than average people in the mind that we are Monsters or cripple. And it's not only negative, it also Comes with more empathy, more deepness, more intuition, more kindness, emotions, spirituality, différent level and skills of thoughts etc. The society like to look at you as a diminish one, or maybe your are considering yourself this way. But i dont think you are. I'm sure you have lots of qualities. You're too hard on yourself. I think you are too tired,not only by your condition but by life generally. Your life events gave you that feelings that it's not worth it. Even when something good Come, it's temporary and it seems like life having fun to take it from us. Yeah life is cruel, somehow sadistic. I think that's why many of us find comfort by isolating themselves, less harm, less disappointment etc...

Just relax, jump or don't. It's not me to décidé but only you. But one way or another, just be fine. No need more torture and sufferings.

@ blackandwhite I can't bear to see my mother lose her mind or not recognize me...I worked with Alzheimer's I know how it works

60m sur béton est clairement efficace 99,9%
Sur l'herbe, je ne sais pas.


Si vous êtes déjà si nerveux, avant même d'y aller, je pense que c'est un signal fort que vous n'y arriverez pas. Vous avez peur, vous hésitez et vous vous sentez mal. Je te l'ai déjà dit, 20 ans tu y penses et toujours là. Si tu le voulais vraiment, si tu parvenais à y arriver, tu serais mort depuis longtemps. Comme moi.
Je ne sais pas vraiment pourquoi vous pensez que les choses vont empirer pour vous. Comment savez-vous? Tes parents seront aidés, il y a des gens qui s'en occupent. Vous pourriez être présent et aider dans la mesure du possible pour vous. Peut-être juste pour visiter. Certains professionnels font le gros œuvre.
Concernant vous-même, vous connaissez votre état. Vous pouvez vivre avec ça. Vous en avez des hauts et des bas. Vous devez vraiment apprendre à contre-attaquer les vibrations négatives.
Et désolé de le dire, mais vous ne vivez pas pour vos parents, mais pour vous-même. Trouvez des activités pour vous-même. Pour s'occuper et obtenir de la satisfaction. Je sais que ça paraît bête mais le plus simple, le plus efficace. Si vous ne faites rien, n'avez rien pour vous apporter satisfaction dans la vie, oui, c'est sûr que la période de dépression va être forte.

Je ne connais pas vous, ni votre état, mais si vous avez survécu jusque-là, en gérant tout ce que vous avez fait, vous êtes plus fort que vous ne le pensez. Triste d'avoir perdu ton partenaire, c'est vrai... Mais au moins tu as eu le véritable amour, c'est quelque chose. Et quelqu'un d'autre pourrait arriver plus tard, on ne sait jamais ; mais en général les chances sont augmentées si nous sommes en bonne condition.
Ce n'est pas parce que NOUS réagissons de manière plus extrême que la moyenne des gens en pensant que nous sommes des monstres ou des infirmes. Et ce n'est pas seulement négatif, cela vient aussi avec plus d'empathie, plus de profondeur, plus d'intuition, plus de gentillesse, d'émotions, de spiritualité, différents niveaux et capacités de pensée, etc. La société aime vous considérer comme une personne diminuée, ou peut-être que vous l'êtes. en vous considérant de cette façon. Mais je ne pense pas que tu l'es. Je suis sûr que tu as beaucoup de qualités. Tu es trop dur avec toi-même. Je pense que tu es trop fatigué, non seulement par ton état mais par la vie en général. Les événements de votre vie vous ont donné le sentiment que cela n'en vaut pas la peine. Même quand quelque chose de bien arrive, c'est temporaire et on dirait que la vie s'amuse à nous le prendre. Ouais, la vie est cruelle, quelque peu sadique. Je pense que c'est pour ça que beaucoup d'entre nous trouvent du réconfort en s'isolant, moins de mal, moins de déception etc...

Détendez-vous, sautez ou pas. Ce n'est pas moi qui décide mais seulement toi. Mais d'une manière ou d'une autre, tout va bien. Pas besoin de plus de torture et de souffrances.

Et surtout que je suis déjà allé 2 fois sur le lieu et que de suite j'ai vu direct que je ne pourrai pas...il n'y a même pas eu d'hésitation