my chud life

[fawn]

hi, i havent posted on here in a while, just need to vent :). today i was looking through my moms texts with my grandma trying to find a picture of something that i needed. tldr, i ended up finding message after message after message of them both basically laughing at me and insulting me. these past few months have probably been the hardest in my life so far, i truly dont think ive ever been this suicidal in my life, and i say this as someone whos been suicidal since before i even knew my multiplications. i feel like this was genuinely my last straw, as ive said ive been extremely suicidal and ive been planning what to do for a little while now, but i still had a tiny bit of doubt i suppose. not necassarily doubt, more like fomo i guess, haha. but this has made me almost completely sure of what i need to do. they laughed at me for relapsing a few weeks ago, said i need to get a life, shared extremely personal messages i sent when i was literally having borderline panic attacks, and more. im just so so utterly humiliated, the worst part for me is the fact that she has shared pretty much everything ive said, because for years and years i struggled with sharing how i felt, and as soon as i finally start to, i get laughed at. i just feel like i truly do not belong on this earth, pretty much everywhere ive gone, people have disliked me and im not quite sure why. they insulted me because i dropped out of school, and because i dont have a job yet, even though i just turned 18 in march. i dropped out of school because of undiagnosed autism, and due to that i was bullied and isolated. i tried very hard to stay in school, i tried only going in a few days a week to try and build up to a full week, i tried going in late, i tried counselling, i tried telling people about how awfully i was being treated, nothing worked. being autistic is truly one of the most isolating experiences ever, i feel so seperated from everybody else, i do not understand if it is because of my neurodivergence that people dont like me, or if its just a problem with my personality. maybe my looks, im not sure. i just feel so utterly worthless and humiliated now, and even more isolated than before. if even my own family cant tolerate me anymore, what does that say about me? i think what i will do is pretend that i am okay and put up a facade for a little while so that they dont see it coming, go to a shooting range, and put the gun to my head before anybody can stop me. im not sure if this has been thought of before, i was previously concerned about traumatising whoever else is there - but i genuinely could not care less about that right now. i know that is incredibly selfish, but i think it is more selfish that practically the only option for most people with lives such as mine is to take your chances with methods that are extremely unreliable, and will most likely leave you brain damaged, or paralysed. i did think about overdosing on heroin, but this method is pretty much foolproof as far as im aware - there usually isnt any coming back from a bullet to the skull. besides, the idea of going on the dark web and buying drugs is terrifying to me, lol. eek okay i feel so cringe i am not used to venting HAHA i doubt anybody will read this and that is okay, like i said i just needed to vent, but if anybody is, i hope you have a good day today:)

 

[GodChallengesMe]

Sometimes I don't want to believe the fact that people can be that terrible. I really do find it hard to believe that a mother and a grandmother can be that kind of [insert male genital word here] + heads, even towards their direct offspring. Sorry OP, not insulting anybody personally, just highlighting the unfortunate reality there is. Those kind of people are simply two-legged animals, both, literally and figuratively.

 

[Kenny]

I can't speak for others but I read it through, I can say from experience that being mocked for being vulnerable is one of the worst feelings out there. You talk to someone with the hopes that they'll actually understand you and then they mock you. I've had it happen with my dad and it sucks, he actually told me to ctb on a few occasions at this point. The only thing that's really kept me here is a few understanding friends and hobbies, because unfortunately my family doesn't care too much (other than only my mother at this point). They do like calling me a failure behind me back for not having my life figured out at 18 though. Also mostly because I missed the last few weeks of school, whoopsie. I passed everything still but that doesn't change that I'm a failure in their eyes.

I've had the same thoughts about a shooting range too! It seems like it'd be quick, in fact, I saw one place in Texas a while ago that let's you rent machine guns (in a shooting range I presume). It'd definitely be traumatising for the people there, but then it'd be over, so yeah. Realistically I don't have the guts to do it unless I'm in a horrible mood. If I ever commit to it, I'd probably just end up renting a ferrari or something fast, flooring it down the road and yeeting myself off a turn, wheee!

 

[GodChallengesMe]

I can't speak for others but I read it through, I can say from experience that being mocked for being vulnerable is one of the worst feelings out there. You talk to someone with the hopes that they'll actually understand you and then they mock you. I've had it happen with my dad and it sucks, he actually told me to ctb on a few occasions at this point. The only thing that's really kept me here is a few understanding friends and hobbies, because unfortunately my family doesn't care too much (other than only my mother at this point). They do like calling me a failure behind me back for not having my life figured out at 18 though. Also mostly because I missed the last few weeks of school, whoopsie. I passed everything still but that doesn't change that I'm a failure in their eyes.

I've had the same thoughts about a shooting range too! It seems like it'd be quick, in fact, I saw one place in Texas a while ago that let's you rent machine guns (in a shooting range I presume). It'd definitely be traumatising for the people there, but then it'd be over, so yeah. Realistically I don't have the guts to do it unless I'm in a horrible mood. If I ever commit to it, I'd probably just end up renting a ferrari or something fast, flooring it down the road and yeeting myself off a turn, wheee!

Calling a family member a failure, mocking them, or doing any injustice directly or indirectly, be it gossiping behind their back, be it shit talking in their face or any act that damages the person psychologically, especially if the person is vulnerable and they know it, and, especially if the person is youngster who is just starting to figure out how things are in the world and struggles to become independent financially in order no longer to be a "failure" they call them without remorse, is a terrible, I'd rather call inhumane and extremely evil thing to do. Treating a family member like that speaks so much about their own character and personality.