I met a girl online. She was a trauma survivor who was sexually abused by her boyfriend. We became good friends there. I always listened to her, made her feel comfortable around me. She find a safe home in me for venting. Gradually i developed feeling for her. It was after ages I wanted to live for her. I wanted to love her so deeply that she forget her past. 2 months ago she told me she's seeing some guy I felt awful but consoled myself. Recently she broke up with him, she was quite depressed and wasn't eating at all. I felt bad for her. I told her I'm coming to her city for some urgent issue (although I lied about that part, my only intention was making sure if she was doing okay), was she interested in meeting me? She replied with a big yes. I planned my trip all around her. Purchased gifts. Printed personalised quotes, wrote a motivational letter in my own handwriting for her. I told her everything in advance. When I reached the city she told me she was doubtful for that day. She was having some issues. I asked I've something for her. I want to meet her for just a few minutes. She replied my message the next day telling me a lot of shit going on her life. She can't come. I sent her the pics of the gifts that I purchased insisting at least take the gifts, at that moment she was furious at me. She told me you're making me uncomfortable. I thought of you as a friend but you think of me as more than that. I was so emotional at that moment that I confessed my feelings, I told her my life is already in mess i I don't want to get her and date her I just had feelings for her and I wanted to make sure if she was okay. after that she replied this friendship is bit too overwhelming for me. It's better if we take a break from it. After that I told her I'm deactivating me account. Then I deactivated my account. Cried all day that day, the next day. Didn't ate anything for 3 days. I felt so shitty and miserable. A few days after that I saw her post targeting me that a guy made me uncomfortable and later guilt tripped me saying he was deactivating his account hoping I will stop him. I activated my account to apologize to her for my behaviour but I was blocked before I was able to say anything. I wanted to be her friend. I feel so shitty and awful and just wanna kill myself now. Was I wrong ? What was the reason for her behaviour? What should I do now? Does anyone have any anwer?
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derpyderpins
A new mentality, closer to the heart
- Sep 19, 2023
- 2,104
Yes, bro, you were wrong.
Not for loving, not for trying to be supportive, but that behavior was way too far. You'd never met IRL and you lied as a pretext to go and see her? Way too far. All the gifts and everything: way too far too fast. Your heart may have been in the right place but it was reasonable of her to question your motives.
It's not the end of the world, but do leave her alone now. The taste in her mouth must be awful. If you try to contact her to apologize more that would be selfish, because it would only bug her and be for your benefit.
What you do now is look at what happened and learn from it. You never met her in person. You fell into limerence - and obsessive kind of "love" that is more of a fixation. I've written pretty openly about my past experiences with this. Apparently that latching on could be a symptom of neurodivergence. It's something I've done with every crush I've had, and luckily now - after many years - I can direct it at the person I am actually in a relationship with, in a much healthier way because I know her intimately.
You have to realize you may grow attached way faster than other people. It's a tough balance, and you're hurting now so it may take a while. You have to try and see things from the other person's eyes, assuming they aren't as attached as you.
Even if she thought of you as a good friend but not a romantic interest, here is how things went: "oh I broke up, I'm sad," "oh @Sadmonster98 happens to be coming to town, of course I'd love to meet up if I can!", "Ah, darn it, stuff is too complicated I'd really rather not / cannot meet now", "wait why is he being so pushy?", "was this trip even real, or did he come just for me?", "holy crap is he trying to take advantage because I just broke up? I better tell him I'm uncomfortable," "He bought all that stuff? Yeah my suspicion was right, he wanted to get with me while I was vulnerable."
Women, rightfully, have to be more careful about men they don't know pretending to be someone they are not and having bad intentions. Can't blame her at all.
Not for loving, not for trying to be supportive, but that behavior was way too far. You'd never met IRL and you lied as a pretext to go and see her? Way too far. All the gifts and everything: way too far too fast. Your heart may have been in the right place but it was reasonable of her to question your motives.
It's not the end of the world, but do leave her alone now. The taste in her mouth must be awful. If you try to contact her to apologize more that would be selfish, because it would only bug her and be for your benefit.
What you do now is look at what happened and learn from it. You never met her in person. You fell into limerence - and obsessive kind of "love" that is more of a fixation. I've written pretty openly about my past experiences with this. Apparently that latching on could be a symptom of neurodivergence. It's something I've done with every crush I've had, and luckily now - after many years - I can direct it at the person I am actually in a relationship with, in a much healthier way because I know her intimately.
You have to realize you may grow attached way faster than other people. It's a tough balance, and you're hurting now so it may take a while. You have to try and see things from the other person's eyes, assuming they aren't as attached as you.
Even if she thought of you as a good friend but not a romantic interest, here is how things went: "oh I broke up, I'm sad," "oh @Sadmonster98 happens to be coming to town, of course I'd love to meet up if I can!", "Ah, darn it, stuff is too complicated I'd really rather not / cannot meet now", "wait why is he being so pushy?", "was this trip even real, or did he come just for me?", "holy crap is he trying to take advantage because I just broke up? I better tell him I'm uncomfortable," "He bought all that stuff? Yeah my suspicion was right, he wanted to get with me while I was vulnerable."
Women, rightfully, have to be more careful about men they don't know pretending to be someone they are not and having bad intentions. Can't blame her at all.
Thank you mate for your kind advice. I tried to put myself in her shoes and realised the same and felt bad that she thinks of me as a creep now but my friends even a female friend told me her gesture wasn't good. I guess they weren't honest enough. It confused me. Your answer seems most genuine. I know it hurts but at least someone spoke the truth to me. Thanks
