My addiction; give me your honest opinion

[Dear Agony]

I have quite a complicated situation in my hands and I was hoping any of you guys can help me. First I should tell a bit of my story so you guys can understand me a little.
I've been on this forum since the beginning of 2020 and never posted much. I always assumed my CTB would be something spontaneous rather than planned, and I'll explain why. About 4 years ago I developed bulimia nervosa, which is a mental illness in which you basically binge eat a lot and then make yourself throw up which is called purging as most of you probably already know. Thing is, before I developed it, I was in the worst state of depression I've been in my entire life and I was sure I was going to CTB soon at the time. I am completely addicted to food and binging and purging, it's the only thing that keeps my head above water and eating is the only thing I enjoy in my life at this point. I am also severely underweight because of this behavior and I only like my body when I am like this, otherwise I would literally end myself.
My family, however, has been insisting I stop since the beginning. At the end of last year they were gonna throw me into a psych ward for the second time in my life involuntarily which I would literally rather die than go through that again. So I had to stop binging and purging and gain some weight.
I, however, can't stand this situation anymore. Every day feels like an endless nightmare in which I wait for the next meal, hoping to be able to binge eat again. I am a food addict, of the worst type, and I'm not willing to leave my bulimia. I was ready to die that way and continue to be so, otherwise I'm 100% sure it will end in CTB.
So, a friend from another country has recently asked me to move in with her, and I am planning to go and leave my family behind in my own country. My mom will be devastated I am sure, because she is convinced if I choose my bulimia I am choosing death and indeed, I know at my weight if I went back to my behaviors that's probably true, but I've made up my mind and plus that WOULD probably take some years if not a whole lifetime.
So the question is, should I leave my family and make them devastated, or continue to be here in treatment and ending up CTB'ing? Please give me your honest opinions about my situation. I know it's hard to understand, but think of it as alcoholism or a drug addiction. This addiction is all I have in life and I'm not willing to let go off it, and if I have to die so be it, hell I'll die anyways. Might as well leave the country to do it.

 

[BigG91]

I have quite a complicated situation in my hands and I was hoping any of you guys can help me. First I should tell a bit of my story so you guys can understand me a little.
I've been on this forum since the beginning of 2020 and never posted much. I always assumed my CTB would be something spontaneous rather than planned, and I'll explain why. About 4 years ago I developed bulimia nervosa, which is a mental illness in which you basically binge eat a lot and then make yourself throw up which is called purging as most of you probably already know. Thing is, before I developed it, I was in the worst state of depression I've been in my entire life and I was sure I was going to CTB soon at the time. I am completely addicted to food and binging and purging, it's the only thing that keeps my head above water and eating is the only thing I enjoy in my life at this point. I am also severely underweight because of this behavior and I only like my body when I am like this, otherwise I would literally end myself.
My family, however, has been insisting I stop since the beginning. At the end of last year they were gonna throw me into a psych ward for the second time in my life involuntarily which I would literally rather die than go through that again. So I had to stop binging and purging and gain some weight.
I, however, can't stand this situation anymore. Every day feels like an endless nightmare in which I wait for the next meal, hoping to be able to binge eat again. I am a food addict, of the worst type, and I'm not willing to leave my bulimia. I was ready to die that way and continue to be so, otherwise I'm 100% sure it will end in CTB.
So, a friend from another country has recently asked me to move in with her, and I am planning to go and leave my family behind in my own country. My mom will be devastated I am sure, because she is convinced if I choose my bulimia I am choosing death and indeed, I know at my weight if I went back to my behaviors that's probably true, but I've made up my mind and plus that WOULD probably take some years if not a whole lifetime.
So the question is, should I leave my family and make them devastated, or continue to be here in treatment and ending up CTB'ing? Please give me your honest opinions about my situation. I know it's hard to understand, but think of it as alcoholism or a drug addiction. This addiction is all I have in life and I'm not willing to let go off it, and if I have to die so be it, hell I'll die anyways. Might as well leave the country to do it.

I haven't experienced eating disorders myself but i have experienced alcohol and light drug addictions and can say that if i were you i would move out get a job and try to live by myself and find work so that i can make some money to drink and do recreational drugs instead of being a burden on my parents.
I have personally done that in the past and it has worked for me but i made sure i worked.
If you don't plan to work then you might aswell stay at home with your parents.

 

[lofticries]

I think i've had every kind of eating disorder known through out the years. Right now I'm dealing ednos in which i have mini binges along with starvation periods. My eating disorder is one of the things I don't want to part with unlike all the other mental illnesses I have. So I understand you a bit about being somewhat addicted to your eating disorder. And how it's ruining your life. I can't remember a day in which I didn't count calories since I was 14.

I wish I could give you some helpful advice but I can't since I'm kinda in the same boat. I used to suffer from bulimia for 3-4 years but stopped because it was giving my stomach and teeth hell on earth. Be very careful with the oral health regarding that btw. make sure rinse your mouth out with water and baking soda after but don't brush your teeth right away.

 

[Quiet Desperation]

Can't say I like either option as you've presented them. I hear you though about depression, the pleasure of eating, and about addictions, though mine is not food related.

I guess I would ask you to think about how things would realistically go if you did move. Would your eating disorder spiral? Do you have a plan for money after you move? Though your family is all in your business about your mental health and ED, will you miss them after a month or three or a year? Have you lived on your own in a foreign country before? It can be stressful, alienating, and lonely. Food for thought, if you will. Whatever you decide I hope it brings you at least a small measure of peace.

 

[Dot]

Slf d/ nt hve n.e. advce & srry tht u r in dffclt positn & srry 2 hr tht ur e.d = th/ mst satsfyng rlatnshp tht u hve

Slf wantd mre 2 cmmnt on ur usr-nme as slf listnd 2 lts of Breakng Benjmn also

Hpe u fnd th bst pth 4 u

 

[Klo]

I think you should give treatment another try. This sounds like a very destructive disease/addiction with little reward compared to getting high or even drinking. If you take this problem with you to a new situation with less of a support system then you are just setting up to fail. Forgive me if I'm wrong but you sound you may be young as well. You should try to explore of there is a life that you would feel comfortable living. Things could change for you, but if you feel suicide is the only option other than living with your eating disorder only you can decide that for yourself.

 

[kosameAmagai]

i have bulimia too i know how it feels ... the only way i can control my bulimia attacks is by self harming as an punishment for myself instead of purging and eating an lot, i think you should do what you feel like doing ... its hard for other people to tell what you should do if i was in your shoes i d leave my family from what you said about them, but thats up to you wish you the best :) <3

 

[ikadasui]

As someone who had it wreck their life I strongly suggest trying to stop. My teeth are fucked, but I said I'd be long gone by now so any damage woukdn't matter. Biggest regret of my life. Can't ever smile at 27, had my back mollar split in half and be pulled, constant pain even though no cavities, god awful breathe even with excessive brushing and mouthwash. It's beyond miserable and truly wish I had just gone the anoerix route if I was gonna suffer an ED