Venting Moving My CTB Date Up?

[hikikomorizombie]

originally i was going to kms anytime on or after Feb 5th, when i officially become homeless & will have absolutely nothing left to lose. however i'm thinking of making it sooner than that bc i also won't be able to pay my phone bill, & navigating the streets as a first time homeless person w/o a phone to help is just not something i wanna do @ all, even less than i want to live out of my car.

i'm contemplating driving to my jumping spot tn & buying a parking ticket so i don't have to worry abt being hassled if i stay overnight. just hole up in my car there till i can manage to fall off the ledge. the only downside is if my SI & fear still win, i'll spend my last few days w a house + a bed to go back to, already sleeping in my car. sigh. so idk ://

i have to ctb though. even if i wasn't gonna be homeless. there's just no other logical option for me, i don't have a choice. i've exhausted all other options & have been proven right time & time again. i wasn't meant to be a person, there is no 'recovery'/'better' for me. my purpose is to die. unfortunately logic alone isn't enough to overcome the fear + SI.

 

[Sleeper System]

Being homeless isn't so bad when you purge yourself of caring what other people think.
As humans, throughout history, we have endured more hardship than being homeless in 2024. Seriously.
I don't want to be homeless and hate that you are going throught that. I feel like you could make it through though.

DM if you want. I want to talk more about it with you if you feel like it.

 

[forfever]

hey zombie, are you still here??

 

[hikikomorizombie]

hey zombie, are you still here??

hiiii :) yes i am! unfortunately, lol.

 

[rozeske]

Am so sorry this is a terrible spot to be in. No one deserves to be put through this where both possibility is not an easy decision. Is there a shalter provider in your area that you could stay at until you are able to come up with a decision whatever that may be?

yes i am! unfortunately, lol.

 

[forfever]

hiiii :) yes i am! unfortunately, lol.

okay, sorry if this is bizarre, but i've been lurking the forums for like some months now (created my account few days ago tho). your posts speak to me in particular, i empathize with you a lot. i'm sorry things are going the way they are. i hope you're doing better than in your last few posts. why did you go silent, if you dont mind me asking?

 

[hikikomorizombie]

okay, sorry if this is bizarre, but i've been lurking the forums for like some months now (created my account few days ago tho). your posts speak to me in particular, i empathize with you a lot. i'm sorry things are going the way they are. i hope you're doing better than in your last few posts. why did you go silent, if you dont mind me asking?

omg! tysm :') not bizarre @ all, i appreciate the empathy. i didn't go silent really, just moved my ramblings to my profileposting threads publicly to get 0 interaction kinda makes me feel like i'm in a zoo being stared @. or something, lol.

Am so sorry this is a terrible spot to be in. No one deserves to be put through this where both possibility is not an easy decision. Is there a shalter provider in your area that you could stay at until you are able to come up with a decision whatever that may be?

there are a few women's shelters, but most of them are specifically for victims of abuse that're trying to escape, so i don't qualify. i'm also in 1 of the big US cities with a v high violent crime rate, so i'm kinda scared/paranoid to be in a shelter w strangers. literally any1 could hurt me if they wanted toeven a moderately healthy 14 yr old could, lol.

but ty for asking, i appreciate the concern :)