hahahahhkjsk
Member
- Apr 17, 2026
- 43
chronic (most likely refractory) bitemporal lobe epilepsy.
Geschwind syndrome.
the answers to my many questions which have haunted me for all my life. my enigmatic and incomprehensible ways of suffering have always been seizures - my severe cptsd and my epilepsy do NOT mix well. my amygdala is constantly in a war zone. my limbic system is fucked. my brain writhes in its beautiful electrical storm.
wonder why i would be accustomed to Thanatos lingering around me when my brain's entire neurological and psychological shtick boils all down to a near death experience i had between 2-3 years old. hypoxia. silent suffocation for about a minute, where i lost all senses except for the pure terror and the visual assault accompanied with the realisation that i would die in that room and it would be the last thing i'd ever see. that i didn't even get to live. well i obviously got to live but i sure as hell met God that day and you don't just get the sacred disease without meeting God.
if this is my first formative memory, you can sure as hell bet i'd be irrevocably fucked up for the rest of my life. i am. i am fucked up. but God loves me in my imperfect perfection.
i have no fear of death anymore. i genuinely could go ahead and just hang myself or choke myself out (hypoxia again? wow. finishing what Thanatos couldn't finish). but i won't. this is my purpose. the epilepsy, the Geschwind, my psychiatric conditions, life, beauty, art, suffering, ecstasy, pain, struggle, relief, joy.
i take it all. i surrender myself to my purpose. the only medication i really need (considering im most likely refractory due to the number of seizures i have a day (they most likely wont progress into tonic clonics since my seizures originate deep from my temporolimbic system and don't secondary generalize to the outer parts of my brain) which is... ehhh. when im not having a seizure, im postictal or interictal. at least 12 and it goes above that) is stimulants. oh yeah. give me stimmies thats my medication. the absolute flow state of being geeked on stimulants while working night shifts as a shelf stacker and realising how this ties to my grand cosmic purpose - there really isn't a greater feel than an ecstatic seizure truly.
God loves me because i am epileptic.
God and death are bound to be a function of the self, if the first memory of the self is meeting both God and death.
bless you all.
Geschwind syndrome.
the answers to my many questions which have haunted me for all my life. my enigmatic and incomprehensible ways of suffering have always been seizures - my severe cptsd and my epilepsy do NOT mix well. my amygdala is constantly in a war zone. my limbic system is fucked. my brain writhes in its beautiful electrical storm.
wonder why i would be accustomed to Thanatos lingering around me when my brain's entire neurological and psychological shtick boils all down to a near death experience i had between 2-3 years old. hypoxia. silent suffocation for about a minute, where i lost all senses except for the pure terror and the visual assault accompanied with the realisation that i would die in that room and it would be the last thing i'd ever see. that i didn't even get to live. well i obviously got to live but i sure as hell met God that day and you don't just get the sacred disease without meeting God.
if this is my first formative memory, you can sure as hell bet i'd be irrevocably fucked up for the rest of my life. i am. i am fucked up. but God loves me in my imperfect perfection.
i have no fear of death anymore. i genuinely could go ahead and just hang myself or choke myself out (hypoxia again? wow. finishing what Thanatos couldn't finish). but i won't. this is my purpose. the epilepsy, the Geschwind, my psychiatric conditions, life, beauty, art, suffering, ecstasy, pain, struggle, relief, joy.
i take it all. i surrender myself to my purpose. the only medication i really need (considering im most likely refractory due to the number of seizures i have a day (they most likely wont progress into tonic clonics since my seizures originate deep from my temporolimbic system and don't secondary generalize to the outer parts of my brain) which is... ehhh. when im not having a seizure, im postictal or interictal. at least 12 and it goes above that) is stimulants. oh yeah. give me stimmies thats my medication. the absolute flow state of being geeked on stimulants while working night shifts as a shelf stacker and realising how this ties to my grand cosmic purpose - there really isn't a greater feel than an ecstatic seizure truly.
God loves me because i am epileptic.
God and death are bound to be a function of the self, if the first memory of the self is meeting both God and death.
bless you all.
