Months of preparation only to hesitate drinking the cup

[Rhaaz]

Damnit, just damnit. I did months of preparation. I bought the SN, went far away just so I can pick it up and not have it delivered. Ordered Meto online. Bought cups, painkiller, etc. Ordered a hotel for 3 hours. Ordered bleach to dispose of excess SN (although found out it was bad).

So I did everything. I was at the bed about to drink the SN cup. I felt hungry and a little foggy in my mind. I already posted my story here. But in essence the things that stopped me was that I was too hungry to think so I succumb to instincts, was at the bed trying to drink this big cup which kind of made me uncomfortable, and I was hesitant due to my family leaving my chores behind, leaving my unfulfilled promises to them, making them depressed for my death.

So I didn't. I threw the cup, and have thrown all my SN away beforehand. All months of preparation, gone.

If I have to retry it I'll be more messy, I'd finally order things and risk it. And I'd probably leave many evidence behind compared to me planning things and throwing them at different locations recently.

Going home being reminded that the situation won't relent, that I should have drank the cup. Kills me. Well mid attempt I promised to myself to live with the pain rather than escape it from now on. Such words I can't truly hold on with the pain I have.

 

[TheHolySword]

I understand. I attempted last night. I stared at the cup for 30 minutes. Taking it is one of the most difficult things I've done, but also one of the easiest. And it was all for nothing. I hope we both find our peace one day

 

[madameviolette]

I understand. I attempted last night. I stared at the cup for 30 minutes. Taking it is one of the most difficult things I've done, but also one of the easiest. And it was all for nothing. I hope we both find our peace one day

It didn't work ?

 

[mrelief82]

I was the same , had better moments to do it earlier but was holding in for my son . Now when I'm damaged completely part of my wants to live but it's impossible . I told myself this is the day few times . Held a cup in my hand once , last night started to take meds and couldn't . Sth happened in me some stupid hope or I don't know which wasn't here earlier. But I am so damaged that I have a paranoia that my soul is damaged and I won't be able to be there neither I'm scared of afterlife now , while earlier seen it as a relief

 

[itsnotokayy!22]

Well mid attempt I promised to myself to live with the pain rather than escape it from now on. Such words I can't truly hold on with the pain I have.

I feel this...
I have been there..I have said this to myself and I still sometimes do despite my almost preparation but I cannot hold on and live to grow as such a person like I am.