Venting missing ex and dealing with icky thoughts

[dogbreath]

I miss him so much ahh!! we were long distance but made it work,,, I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to be a weirdo but i keep having icky thoughts,,like I still have his address saved and i think "omg what if i send him letters and gifts begging him to take me back or what if i visit him and threatened to kill myself if he doesnt get back with me!!"
I remember back in october i relapsed and self harmed. While bleeding my emotions were all over the place and so i decided to write a couple of letters to my ex with my blood (i know, edgy and cringe ) I kept thinking "i should send these letters to him wouldn't it be romantic if he opened my letters and was holding my blood??" I never did send the letters because again, I don't want to be weird or hurt him or do anything dangerous,,,
but its stressful thinking these things I hate it because I want to do these things but they're wrong and horrible!! I just want to get over him! i hate thinking these harmful thoughts because I want to be normal, I dont want to make him scared of me ahh :(

 

[Lexapro]

in all honesty you dont forget them. you can find someone else but it wont replace them. i ruined my chances with the best person i knew. theres really no way to get over him, i guess with time itll become a scar but itll always be there just less emotional