Venting Missed my date last year and now I'm thinking about ctb again.

[3/4Dead]

I feel so stupid.
I've been away from here for a year. I got into a serious relationship, I've got a pretty intense and sort of important job, I'm a full time student, I'm on track to graduate a year early with almost a perfecf GPA, I've been doing weekly therapy for years, and I'm still fucking miserable.

Every once in a while I'll get upset and think maybe its not too late and I ought to just CTB but then I think about my friends and my partner.

Im so stupid.

Im in way over my head. I love this guy to my core, more than I've ever loved anyone or anything but its so hard to find it in myself every day to keep trying when it feels like nothing is working. I just want it to won't. I want to be better, i want to be with him, I wanna be happy with him. I dont know what's wrong with me.

I've been feeling like this for so long and it's so exhausting.

My life is so good right now, things are so good, and I'm gonna fuck it all up. I just know it.

I'm trying everything else. Im taking the meds. Im sleeping. Im working out. Im eating. Im socializing. Im doing the things my therapist says. I feel exactly the same.

Its better than it was. Less frequent and less intense but its always there. Im always miserable.

Im so tired.

I dont know. Maybe I should just break up with him, drop out of school, quit my job and buy a gun when I turn 21 soon. I dont know.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so stupid.

I hate this body. I hate this brain. I cant seem to fix it and I feel like im just doing it all wrong.

I don't know what's wrong with me and I dont know if I can get better anymore.

I won't do anything tonight. Probably not for a while. Maybe everyone was right and I'm too scared to do it, that I wont.

I'm just scared and it all just hurts so much.

 

[Steph99]

Very sorry to hear of your troubles. Great you are doing so well at college. Perhaps try to finish college and see how you feel then?

 

[3/4Dead]

Very sorry to hear of your troubles. Great you are doing so well at college. Perhaps try to finish college and see how you feel then?

Thank you.
I dont know. After uni I'm supposed to go to law school and i just feel like it won't be any better. My partner and I have been together for just over a year now, i worry waiting too long will be worse than if I did it now...