Venting misery

[sleepydeaths]

sorry for the constant posting. hopefully it's not a bother

ive been doing nothing but crying or cutting all day today so far. im so sick and tired. i contacted 988 chat twice. the first time i cancelled before the chat started and the second I did connect with someone but i left the website for a moment and we lost connection so i didn't bother trying for a third time.

im sick and tired. i have extreme suicidal ideation and a lot of thoughts. i feel so miserable. this is hell.

i don't want to exist like this and im so sick and tired of having to. my thighs hurt and i feel nauseous due to how miserable i am. i feel like shit. i want to die so.fucking badly. i told myself i won't do anything but im really considering.

i don't think i can do this. im going to have to pretend im a functioning human being tomorrow and i don't know if ill be able to. im so tired.

 

[aRose]

I'm trying to schedule suicide between work obligations. How fucked is that? Figured it's the only way people will realize I'm missing at all.
Mondays are shit but they are especially shit when you dream of dying all weekend.

 

[sleepydeaths]

deciding to use this as a general vent thread. hopefully that's fine

I haven't cut today yet but i want to. ever since saturday night i haven't been able to do anything but self harm and be catatonic.. i hate being like this. i hate being unable to be fixed. i hate having people worry about me when im on this path of destruction. i just want to not exist. im exhausted and so sad and miserable

 

[sleepydeaths]

i feel like im breaking
I'm so sad and tired. i cut again
im not mad at anyone. i just really hate myself
I wish I could just disappear

 

[SufferingDev]

Is there anything - you recall in life that made you happy - at least for a moment?

 

[sleepydeaths]

Is there anything - you recall in life that made you happy - at least for a moment?

i don't think so and that's probably the worst part? at least not happy for a long period of time. i get bursts but nothing that lasts too long

i just tried the 988 chat and people were not lying about it sounding like a script lol. maybe it would've been better if i called idk

 

[sleepydeaths]

it's getting to a point where im moving from ideation to really considering making an actual plan. i feel so broken and sad and exhausted. i don't want to be here or feel like this

 

[sleepydeaths]

i know my friends want to comfort me and want to be there for me but i feel so different and hopeless compared to them
it's not comforting or helpful and i hate how it doesn't help. i want it to
i don't want them to think im angry or spiteful
nothing makes sense im so.deeply overwhelmed and sick

 

[lolkid66]

Try taking a walk or going shopping, it kinda helped me! (ik this is comming from lolkid66 but like )

 

[sleepydeaths]

in a spiral and ao3 is down. may have to cut myself

 

[sleepydeaths]

it's getting to that point where my friends don't know what to say to me. all they can repeat is that they love me
i know they do but it's getting to that point where i may be too far gone. i think i may have to start making a plan soon.
people don't understand how incredibly isolating being depressed is. im so sick and tired