wristcutangel
What value is there to a life that wants to end?
- Jul 5, 2023
- 167
i'm here once again. how fun. i was only inactive due to moving devices anyways, so i wasn't able to find my password, but i finally managed to sort that out.
i tried "recovering" again in the meantime, it went about as you'd expect. i suppose it wasn't really a whole-hearted effort though, i can't really think of any point in my life in the past years where i could honestly have said i don't want to die.
as always, i'm alone.
when i look back from where i was when i first joined last year, i'm arguably even more alone. i really wonder how people seem to have such close friends and how they always have people willing to be there for them. i have to wonder if people are just lying about it, sometimes. but, considering how terrible my luck has been since i was born, i wouldn't doubt if it really is just me.
i tried really hard to act like a normal person, but i just couldn't keep it up. i tried talking to new people, making art again, trying harder at college, studying day and night, posting on social media, but i just couldn't do it. i think i could handle it if i had someone there for me, but i don't. my friends hardly paid attention to me during my attempts to recover, anyways.
and so here i am again, realizing i'm just as unhappy as i've ever been if not more, crying on a suicide forum for attention while slashing away at my own body. my family's likely gonna notice the scars, and then it'll be another argument, and then i'll cry here even more.
not like my family actually cares, it's not that they care that i'm harming myself considering they do the same to me. they're just mad that the scars would make it more difficult to marry me off, that was their only concern regarding my physical health issues too. i wonder if they would've cared more if i was a man. they probably would.
i have to wonder if life outside would be all that better. the internet is more reflective of the west, but lately i don't feel welcome here either, which makes me come to the conclusion yet again that the only suitable action that i can take to end this would be suicide.
but that's also something i'm not allowed to do, so clearly, the only option the world presents me with is to keep suffering.
i think i'd be more than happy to live if life could just deal me a slightly better hand, but if life can't do that, then i'd rather just die. but it'd much rather just deal with the worst of both worlds, and i suppose at the end of the day i have no choice but to live with that.
i tried "recovering" again in the meantime, it went about as you'd expect. i suppose it wasn't really a whole-hearted effort though, i can't really think of any point in my life in the past years where i could honestly have said i don't want to die.
as always, i'm alone.
when i look back from where i was when i first joined last year, i'm arguably even more alone. i really wonder how people seem to have such close friends and how they always have people willing to be there for them. i have to wonder if people are just lying about it, sometimes. but, considering how terrible my luck has been since i was born, i wouldn't doubt if it really is just me.
i tried really hard to act like a normal person, but i just couldn't keep it up. i tried talking to new people, making art again, trying harder at college, studying day and night, posting on social media, but i just couldn't do it. i think i could handle it if i had someone there for me, but i don't. my friends hardly paid attention to me during my attempts to recover, anyways.
and so here i am again, realizing i'm just as unhappy as i've ever been if not more, crying on a suicide forum for attention while slashing away at my own body. my family's likely gonna notice the scars, and then it'll be another argument, and then i'll cry here even more.
not like my family actually cares, it's not that they care that i'm harming myself considering they do the same to me. they're just mad that the scars would make it more difficult to marry me off, that was their only concern regarding my physical health issues too. i wonder if they would've cared more if i was a man. they probably would.
i have to wonder if life outside would be all that better. the internet is more reflective of the west, but lately i don't feel welcome here either, which makes me come to the conclusion yet again that the only suitable action that i can take to end this would be suicide.
but that's also something i'm not allowed to do, so clearly, the only option the world presents me with is to keep suffering.
i think i'd be more than happy to live if life could just deal me a slightly better hand, but if life can't do that, then i'd rather just die. but it'd much rather just deal with the worst of both worlds, and i suppose at the end of the day i have no choice but to live with that.
