mold
local fungi
- Jun 25, 2019
- 177
I feel like I am in hell. I say this a lot, but I genuinely do feel like I am in hell. I haven't really felt truly happy from the bottom of my heart in a while. Every day feels worse than the last even though I think it can't get any worse. I have SN sitting in my room taunting me as if to say its time every day. I have so many responsibilities to get done before I go, but it all feels so heavy. I know if I die before I get these things done it will cause issues for innocent people. It hurts so badly.
I recently found a hobby that makes me mildly happy, it's nowhere near real, true happiness, and it does have some ties to some really bad memories that trigger mild PTSD episodes. I'm scared that something or someone will take it away from me like every mild happiness I found before this. It makes me scared to get my hopes up because every time, without fail, when I get my hopes up it comes crashing down somehow. 100% loss rate, I guess, lol.
The people and things who plunged me into hell don't care. They probably never did and never will, or just see me as a liability or something to pity. I hate this. I wish people actually cared. I wish people were actually sorry. I wish people can just tell me "I can fix this" or "I don't want you like this, I don't want you dead and gone and out of my life, let's fix this together". No one will though. They just say don't die or make fun of me for being suicidal or just tell me the same shit of "go to a therapist/psych". I did. I tried. I tried really hard. I went back to school, I made friends, spoke to people more, went outside more, saw a psychiatrist, I did all I could for years and years and years and it just amounts to nothing. I still get bullied and lied to by people I considered friends or even best friends every year without fail. I get told I'm lazy by my family, that I'm not trying hard enough, that I'm not doing enough. I still get assaulted by someone I considered a close friend. And the one person I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with abandoned me, said I wasn't worth waiting for, not worth all the trouble and called me too sick, then started dating one of the people who they knew bullied me. They even defended this bullies' behavior until they realized I seriously was at my limit. If I was not at my limit they would still be getting defended.
I was never defended. Not once. Not once while I was getting sexually assaulted and harassed nearly every day for years as a minor, not once while our mutual friends bullied me, not once. Not a single time. By anyone. I am not someone worth defending. I can say I'm happy that they've learned how to defend someone, that I'm just jealous that it's somebody else but... that's not it. I'm glad they've learned how to "properly" love and defend the person they love, I just wish it wasn't someone who bullied me for a year straight. I wish it wasn't someone who they knew objectively did me dirty for seemingly no reason. But it's all good because "they didn't mean to hurt you" and "intention matters". I wish they defended me just once, even a fraction of the effort they put into defending someone who bullied me. I wish just the once I was someone worth defending.
Everyone I love and trust ends up hurting me in the end. I've come to the conclusion it's my fault, that I'm the common denominator. The first few times I thought I was just unlucky, but now it feels like if this KEEPS consistently happening it has to be my fault, and I'm too delusional and sick to see it. Maybe my personality disorder makes me blind to it. I sometimes need to talk to an outsider to see if I'm psychotic or delusional and even when they tell me I was fine and it's not my fault, the PTSD from all of this makes me so paranoid. I've lost all my will to be extroverted like I was as a child. I don't trust the friends I currently have. I don't trust the one family member I have who loves me.
I've begun to feel subhuman. I feel like I'm an impostor who tried hard to be human but just failed. All of this made me realize I'm just bad at being a human. I'm awful at it, actually. Can hardly have a close friend, can't love romantically, can't trust my own family. I objectively had a good childhood/life yet here I am, planning to kill myself with SN on a random day because I suck at being human. I was given everything, I was never struggling, never poor, physically healthy until recent years, good friends, good grades, lots of hobbies, good at sports, loving mother... I had all of this and I'm still here. I feel like I'm choking every day.
I thought if I just got married to the person I loved that things would be easier. I'd have a reason to fight through all this suffocation. But not only was it "no" but it was "no, I'm dating someone who I know you dislike, someone who I know bullied you, but they didn't mean it so it's okay. I thought you'd just get mad or stop talking to me. You're still special to me though, so don't die!" I was worth losing for this person. They risked losing me for someone who they KNEW bullied me, isolated me from my friends, told me I'd never heal, never get better, grow up to become abusive because of my mental illnesses, all of that. They risked our special relationship for someone who did all that, but it's okay because "they didn't mean to hurt you" and this person makes them so happy and made them feel like they've grown from me. I wish they just once told me "I'll work hard to get better for you" like I did. They said they felt no love from me but I tried. I tried so hard. I wish they could just say "I don't want to lose you, let's fix this together."
I wish I could rewind the clock a decade to fix everything. I'd do everything right. I'd work harder at school, I'd work harder at my hobbies, I wouldn't quit my jobs because of depression, I would avoid the person who assaulted me as a teenager, I would try to show I was trying, that I was someone worth protecting, that I was someone who didn't need to be abandoned. I don't believe in the afterlife or next lives or gods, but if there's another chance, please god, any god; Please just let me do everything right. I'll work harder to be more human. I'll do better next time, if I'm given a next time, or deserve a next time.
I don't know anymore. Just get me out of here. Free me from this purgatory.
I recently found a hobby that makes me mildly happy, it's nowhere near real, true happiness, and it does have some ties to some really bad memories that trigger mild PTSD episodes. I'm scared that something or someone will take it away from me like every mild happiness I found before this. It makes me scared to get my hopes up because every time, without fail, when I get my hopes up it comes crashing down somehow. 100% loss rate, I guess, lol.
The people and things who plunged me into hell don't care. They probably never did and never will, or just see me as a liability or something to pity. I hate this. I wish people actually cared. I wish people were actually sorry. I wish people can just tell me "I can fix this" or "I don't want you like this, I don't want you dead and gone and out of my life, let's fix this together". No one will though. They just say don't die or make fun of me for being suicidal or just tell me the same shit of "go to a therapist/psych". I did. I tried. I tried really hard. I went back to school, I made friends, spoke to people more, went outside more, saw a psychiatrist, I did all I could for years and years and years and it just amounts to nothing. I still get bullied and lied to by people I considered friends or even best friends every year without fail. I get told I'm lazy by my family, that I'm not trying hard enough, that I'm not doing enough. I still get assaulted by someone I considered a close friend. And the one person I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with abandoned me, said I wasn't worth waiting for, not worth all the trouble and called me too sick, then started dating one of the people who they knew bullied me. They even defended this bullies' behavior until they realized I seriously was at my limit. If I was not at my limit they would still be getting defended.
I was never defended. Not once. Not once while I was getting sexually assaulted and harassed nearly every day for years as a minor, not once while our mutual friends bullied me, not once. Not a single time. By anyone. I am not someone worth defending. I can say I'm happy that they've learned how to defend someone, that I'm just jealous that it's somebody else but... that's not it. I'm glad they've learned how to "properly" love and defend the person they love, I just wish it wasn't someone who bullied me for a year straight. I wish it wasn't someone who they knew objectively did me dirty for seemingly no reason. But it's all good because "they didn't mean to hurt you" and "intention matters". I wish they defended me just once, even a fraction of the effort they put into defending someone who bullied me. I wish just the once I was someone worth defending.
Everyone I love and trust ends up hurting me in the end. I've come to the conclusion it's my fault, that I'm the common denominator. The first few times I thought I was just unlucky, but now it feels like if this KEEPS consistently happening it has to be my fault, and I'm too delusional and sick to see it. Maybe my personality disorder makes me blind to it. I sometimes need to talk to an outsider to see if I'm psychotic or delusional and even when they tell me I was fine and it's not my fault, the PTSD from all of this makes me so paranoid. I've lost all my will to be extroverted like I was as a child. I don't trust the friends I currently have. I don't trust the one family member I have who loves me.
I've begun to feel subhuman. I feel like I'm an impostor who tried hard to be human but just failed. All of this made me realize I'm just bad at being a human. I'm awful at it, actually. Can hardly have a close friend, can't love romantically, can't trust my own family. I objectively had a good childhood/life yet here I am, planning to kill myself with SN on a random day because I suck at being human. I was given everything, I was never struggling, never poor, physically healthy until recent years, good friends, good grades, lots of hobbies, good at sports, loving mother... I had all of this and I'm still here. I feel like I'm choking every day.
I thought if I just got married to the person I loved that things would be easier. I'd have a reason to fight through all this suffocation. But not only was it "no" but it was "no, I'm dating someone who I know you dislike, someone who I know bullied you, but they didn't mean it so it's okay. I thought you'd just get mad or stop talking to me. You're still special to me though, so don't die!" I was worth losing for this person. They risked losing me for someone who they KNEW bullied me, isolated me from my friends, told me I'd never heal, never get better, grow up to become abusive because of my mental illnesses, all of that. They risked our special relationship for someone who did all that, but it's okay because "they didn't mean to hurt you" and this person makes them so happy and made them feel like they've grown from me. I wish they just once told me "I'll work hard to get better for you" like I did. They said they felt no love from me but I tried. I tried so hard. I wish they could just say "I don't want to lose you, let's fix this together."
I wish I could rewind the clock a decade to fix everything. I'd do everything right. I'd work harder at school, I'd work harder at my hobbies, I wouldn't quit my jobs because of depression, I would avoid the person who assaulted me as a teenager, I would try to show I was trying, that I was someone worth protecting, that I was someone who didn't need to be abandoned. I don't believe in the afterlife or next lives or gods, but if there's another chance, please god, any god; Please just let me do everything right. I'll work harder to be more human. I'll do better next time, if I'm given a next time, or deserve a next time.
I don't know anymore. Just get me out of here. Free me from this purgatory.
