Venting might commit matricide [vent/rant + vent art]

[turbomightbegone]

alright so I know this this is extremely problematic, im aware that this isn't okay, im pretty sure this might even get me banned from the website, but I cant fucking take it anymore, I need to just let it all out in a way that doesn't physically hurt others.

I hate my mother. I hate her so much. she has always been a selfish piece of shit, always fucking complaining about herself, always talking about how other people's problems are affecting HER. she always complains about my autism, she won't stfu about it, hell she talks about it as if I had the CHOICE to be like this.

"I fed you, I clothed you, I gave birth to you!" all that shit. I didn't choose to fucking be like this, hell I didn't choose to fucking EXIST, yet she blames me for my own existence

I hate how I can't leave, im fucking TRAPPED here. thanks to my autism I can't even take care of myself, my mother has to keep me in the house and do everything for me, I feel like I'm in a fucking cage. she expects me to pay her back via my OWN ART, she uses me to show off to her friends and boost her own stupid fucking ego. ever since I was young she always overworked me at several things… school, my art, my animation, my grades, my social skills… she's overworked me to the point where I've gotten physically sick, I could even walk because I was so tired and dizzy. I've always wanted to be an animator, always wanted to be an artist, and all my mother did was take that and forced it into my nightmares, now I can't even finish an artpiece without having a mental breakdown, it's never fucking good enough for her or anyone. I cant even bother trying to animate, I had so many ideas I wanted to do but I cant even stand looking at my own creations, holy fuck they look so fucking ugly.

I fucking hate this so much, it isn't fair. I'm trying, im fucking trying to get my life together and trying to take care of myself and all my mother does is fucking make me sink lower and lower into the ground. it feels like it's her intention, it feels like she likes me suffering. she always comments on everything I do. hell she even commented on my physical appearance, saying that I looked so ugly and fat. she told me herself that she wished I was anorexic. she wishes that I'd develop some kind of eating disorder so that I'd be "skinny". and then the next day she'd be fucking whining and complaining about how I don't forgive her, like WHAT?? you literally fucking admitted to me that you WANT me to be mentally ill, you WANT me to have serious health problems. I still remember when you found out I was cutting myself for the first time, you fucking slapped my raw wounds and yelled at me, you wanted to blackmail me and send me to a clinical ward to be turned into a vegetable. I still remember when you tried rubbing salt into my raw wounds because they were bleeding too much, it fucking hurt so much and I was screaming, I ended up hitting you and barricading myself in my room. now when it's mentioned you'd say that you've forgotten, that it never happened. I fucking hate you.

My mother tends to try and make me have an outburst so she could have an excuse to call the police, she tried faking a broken finger just to make me scream loud enough. I believe I have charges on my record because of this, neighbours would always knock on the door because I'd keep fucking screaming. Then my mother would always act like the victim, saying that I was abusing her… I just wanted to be left alone but she goes out of her way to make me mad. I have anger issues, I want to fucking throw stuff around, I can't control my emotions too well. she knows this, and she uses this against me, I think she wants to ruin my life because of how my father treated her. I don't think I can stay here for that much longer, every day I separate myself from everyone else because I keep thinking of committing horrible fucking stuff, yet my mother never leaves me alone, it's getting unbearable. I'm trying my best to control my intrusive thoughts but it's getting so hard, I feel like I will snap eventually.

I was supposed to get mental help years ago. I was supposed to get a fucking diagnosis. I know there's something wrong with me, something other than autism. But my mother doesn't even let me get mental help. I was supposed to go to therapy, I was supposed to see a physiatrist ages ago. Police officers came to the house one time and they said that I was going to get booked in for therapy, they said I had to get diagnosed. That was a long while ago, I've never heard from any doctors. I've had to self diagnose myself and I fucking hate it, I hate how rotten it makes me feel, it feels like I'm just seeking attention and romanticising serious mental disorders. I want a ducking diagnosis but my mother won't let me see anyone. And it's not like I can leave anyway, I'd probably starve on the streets. So I'm fucking stuck here.

Now I'm sitting here writing all of this while listening to loud music,, I hate my mother so much, I wish she'd fucking suffer. She was abused by my father, she was fucking abused, and she sees me as the problem even when I was a fucking child. She never bothered to teach me anything, I know she regrets having me. I was never taught basic social skills or anything, and I've grown up unable to be a functioning member of society. I cant even bring myself to go outside and interact with people. I stay in my room all day, and I always feel empty. The only time I don't feel so fucking empty is if I'm feeling somewhat happy,, or if I'm feeling angry of course. I always snap at the most simplest things, I fucking tear up out of stress and rage, I always feel so fucking stupid over small mistakes. I just want to fucking,, break or kill something, anything. My mother always compares me to my father,, I think she's turning me into him. I don't want to be like this, I don't want to be some murderous monster. I just want to be normal, I want to have a normal life, I want to be safe and sound with my friends, why is it so fucking hard…

Sometimes, when I lay in bed late at night, I think about killing my mother in such a brutal way,, I can't even describe it, I want to fucking rip her into shreds. I want her to scream, I want her to suffer. Yet I'm too much of a coward to act upon my intrusive thoughts, at least for now. I've considered killing her and then myself, I think about it an awful lot. I have no idea what will happen if I decide to cbt, I have no idea if I'll suffer or if I'll be happy or if I'll just be nothing. I feel like my mother deserves to suffer for what she's done to me.. and yet… I feel like I will regret it if I commit matricide. I feel like I'm too kind, I feel like I will chicken out while I'm halfway into it. I'm so fucking scared, im so fucking scared of thinking about it, hell I'm fucking scared of myself.

I hate how I feel pity for you. I hate how I'm too kind and too scared to take you down with me. I fucking hate you.

 

[dragonofenvy]

There's quite a bit to unpack here. I do hope talking about it has helped you. Perhaps, me sharing a similar experience might help as well.

I hate my mother too. I also am autistic. My mother was a piece of shit to me. Always telling me that I wasn't going to amount to anything. Punishing me for showing emotion by yelling at me or hitting me. I spent most of my days in the basement trying to avoid her, but sometimes she'd come down for no reason other than to torment me. She tried committing suicide when I was 1, but I accidentally saved her by crying in the night, which woke my dad up he found her and stopped her. She used me as an outlet for her mental problems. To this day she wonders why I'm "so messed up" because she cannot comprehend that her horrid treatment of me (along with other unrelated traumatic things that were done by other people) could've possibly affected me. In her mind, I was born bad. In her mind, I was the one causing all the problems.

Maybe I shouldn't share this on a public forum where everyone can see it, but if it can help one person it is worth it. One day, when I was 12, I decided that I didn't want to eat at the table because she was eating loudly. She followed me to my bedroom, pinned me to a wall, and started to strangle me. I would've been killed had it not been for my father intervening. I'm not sure why he didn't call the police, or arrest her himself (he was a police officer at the time). But I guess it doesn't matter. She tried to kill me simply because I didn't want to eat at the table. I can list off so many more things but that's not what I'm here for. Point is, she's fucking crazy. A few weeks later, I decided that my hatred of her was too much after this event. I stole a pistol from my father's gun safe while he was at work. My mom was in her office talking to a co-worker over the phone. I cracked the door open and aimed the gun at her head. I was going to take her and then take myself.

I decided not to. Because to me, that would make her no better than what she was. I would be a monster, and everyone would've viewed her as a victim even though it was the other way around. She inflicted great pain on me that I won't get into detail on, just like your mother did for you. Some people shouldn't be parents. I am so sorry you have had to go through this for your whole life. I've been around this place for a while and this is one of the first posts where I wish I could be with the person physically and hug them. You never deserved any of this.

I don't know if my story helped you or not. I just want you to know you're not alone in your experience. I wish I could do more than offer words.

 

[turbomightbegone]

There's quite a bit to unpack here. I do hope talking about it has helped you. Perhaps, me sharing a similar experience might help as well.

I hate my mother too. I also am autistic. My mother was a piece of shit to me. Always telling me that I wasn't going to amount to anything. Punishing me for showing emotion by yelling at me or hitting me. I spent most of my days in the basement trying to avoid her, but sometimes she'd come down for no reason other than to torment me. She tried committing suicide when I was 1, but I accidentally saved her by crying in the night, which woke my dad up he found her and stopped her. She used me as an outlet for her mental problems. To this day she wonders why I'm "so messed up" because she cannot comprehend that her horrid treatment of me (along with other unrelated traumatic things that were done by other people) could've possibly affected me. In her mind, I was born bad. In her mind, I was the one causing all the problems.

Maybe I shouldn't share this on a public forum where everyone can see it, but if it can help one person it is worth it. One day, when I was 12, I decided that I didn't want to eat at the table because she was eating loudly. She followed me to my bedroom, pinned me to a wall, and started to strangle me. I would've been killed had it not been for my father intervening. I'm not sure why he didn't call the police, or arrest her himself (he was a police officer at the time). But I guess it doesn't matter. She tried to kill me simply because I didn't want to eat at the table. I can list off so many more things but that's not what I'm here for. Point is, she's fucking crazy. A few weeks later, I decided that my hatred of her was too much after this event. I stole a pistol from my father's gun safe while he was at work. My mom was in her office talking to a co-worker over the phone. I cracked the door open and aimed the gun at her head. I was going to take her and then take myself.

I decided not to. Because to me, that would make her no better than what she was. I would be a monster, and everyone would've viewed her as a victim even though it was the other way around. She inflicted great pain on me that I won't get into detail on, just like your mother did for you. Some people shouldn't be parents. I am so sorry you have had to go through this for your whole life. I've been around this place for a while and this is one of the first posts where I wish I could be with the person physically and hug them. You never deserved any of this.

I don't know if my story helped you or not. I just want you to know you're not alone in your experience. I wish I could do more than offer words.

Decided to try replying to this, I'm not too good with words so I'm sorry if this seems insensitive or repetitive.

Thank you. Legitimately thank you. I have no other way of stating this, but thank you. Thank you for sharing your story in an effort to try to help, it means so much and it makes me feel better. It's okay if you can't offer anything else apart from words, I appreciate the gesture.

I'm sorry that happened to you,, I'm sorry your mother is such a fucking bitch. I hope it's gotten somewhat better for you, you didn't deserve to be fucking hurt like that. I cant offer much, all I can do is just repeat some repetitive comforting shit, but holy fuck I hope you're okay. I also wish I could physically hug you, comfort you in any way I can. I wish I could just yank you away from your mother and place you somewhere safe with your loved ones but I can't. I wish I had better words to say.

I really hope everything gets better for you,, your story was fucking horrible, it hurts to think that there's other people with similar experiences to mine, it hurts how people are going through similar abuse and feeling similar things, yet it feels comforting at the same time. It really is horrible, yet there's not much I can do. I just hope you're somewhat okay,, I hope your mother will eventually never ruin your life again. I'm so sorry.

 

[drownll]

Don't do that please.

 

[Malaria]

This one was rough to read... I sadly relate to some of the things you're talking about... I'm on the verge of tears, I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry you're going through all this, you don't deserve this, you deserve better.

 

[NeverReallyHere]

It sounds very much like she's trying to keep you reliant on her. Is it possible that the reason you haven't heard back about your diagnosis is she's deliberately interfered in the process? Is there anyone you can trust who can help you get in contact with mental health services?

 

[turbomightbegone]

It sounds very much like she's trying to keep you reliant on her. Is it possible that the reason you haven't heard back about your diagnosis is she's deliberately interfered in the process? Is there anyone you can trust who can help you get in contact with mental health services?

Yeah, it feels like she's deliberately fucking everything up to make sure I don't get a diagnosis. I don't get it, there's no fee for it here, so it's definitely not about money. I think you may be right,, making me completely reliant on her feels like something she would do.

As for anyone I could turn to,, no, not really. My family supports my mother and also views me as a monster thanks to my father. The closest people I have are my online friends I guess, but they're all the way in america and have their own lives. I don't want to pull them into my shit, especially if they're dealing with stuff in their lives themselves.

This one was rough to read... I sadly relate to some of the things you're talking about... I'm on the verge of tears, I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry you're going through all this, you don't deserve this, you deserve better.

Thank you for your words,, it means a lot. I'm sorry I got you in such a state, I'm sorry you relate to some of my experiences. I hope you're doing okay, or at least somewhat better.

Don't do that please.

Trying not to of course, I've been trying to distract myself from the idea any way I can. I feel like I would just chicken out anyway, I'm too much of a coward. I suppose the only way I'd commit matricide is if I completely snap or have to defend myself.

 

[Ambivalent1]

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I hate my mother too and also am autistic, which has complicated things a lot.

 

[NeverReallyHere]

Yeah, it feels like she's deliberately fucking everything up to make sure I don't get a diagnosis. I don't get it, there's no fee for it here, so it's definitely not about money. I think you may be right,, making me completely reliant on her feels like something she would do.

It's good that you live somewhere where you have free mental health services. I think gaining access to a psychiatrist should be your first priority - maybe through your GP (if you can trust them not to tell your mother), or through a hospital or clinic or something. Getting away from your mother should your next priority, as ending up in the legal system because you harmed her is the worst thing that could happen to you. Of course it's easy for me to sit here and say that, but I wish you the best of luck...

 

[26mmmm]

alright so I know this this is extremely problematic, im aware that this isn't okay, im pretty sure this might even get me banned from the website, but I cant fucking take it anymore, I need to just let it all out in a way that doesn't physically hurt others.

I hate my mother. I hate her so much. she has always been a selfish piece of shit, always fucking complaining about herself, always talking about how other people's problems are affecting HER. she always complains about my autism, she won't stfu about it, hell she talks about it as if I had the CHOICE to be like this.

"I fed you, I clothed you, I gave birth to you!" all that shit. I didn't choose to fucking be like this, hell I didn't choose to fucking EXIST, yet she blames me for my own existence

I hate how I can't leave, im fucking TRAPPED here. thanks to my autism I can't even take care of myself, my mother has to keep me in the house and do everything for me, I feel like I'm in a fucking cage. she expects me to pay her back via my OWN ART, she uses me to show off to her friends and boost her own stupid fucking ego. ever since I was young she always overworked me at several things… school, my art, my animation, my grades, my social skills… she's overworked me to the point where I've gotten physically sick, I could even walk because I was so tired and dizzy. I've always wanted to be an animator, always wanted to be an artist, and all my mother did was take that and forced it into my nightmares, now I can't even finish an artpiece without having a mental breakdown, it's never fucking good enough for her or anyone. I cant even bother trying to animate, I had so many ideas I wanted to do but I cant even stand looking at my own creations, holy fuck they look so fucking ugly.

I fucking hate this so much, it isn't fair. I'm trying, im fucking trying to get my life together and trying to take care of myself and all my mother does is fucking make me sink lower and lower into the ground. it feels like it's her intention, it feels like she likes me suffering. she always comments on everything I do. hell she even commented on my physical appearance, saying that I looked so ugly and fat. she told me herself that she wished I was anorexic. she wishes that I'd develop some kind of eating disorder so that I'd be "skinny". and then the next day she'd be fucking whining and complaining about how I don't forgive her, like WHAT?? you literally fucking admitted to me that you WANT me to be mentally ill, you WANT me to have serious health problems. I still remember when you found out I was cutting myself for the first time, you fucking slapped my raw wounds and yelled at me, you wanted to blackmail me and send me to a clinical ward to be turned into a vegetable. I still remember when you tried rubbing salt into my raw wounds because they were bleeding too much, it fucking hurt so much and I was screaming, I ended up hitting you and barricading myself in my room. now when it's mentioned you'd say that you've forgotten, that it never happened. I fucking hate you.

My mother tends to try and make me have an outburst so she could have an excuse to call the police, she tried faking a broken finger just to make me scream loud enough. I believe I have charges on my record because of this, neighbours would always knock on the door because I'd keep fucking screaming. Then my mother would always act like the victim, saying that I was abusing her… I just wanted to be left alone but she goes out of her way to make me mad. I have anger issues, I want to fucking throw stuff around, I can't control my emotions too well. she knows this, and she uses this against me, I think she wants to ruin my life because of how my father treated her. I don't think I can stay here for that much longer, every day I separate myself from everyone else because I keep thinking of committing horrible fucking stuff, yet my mother never leaves me alone, it's getting unbearable. I'm trying my best to control my intrusive thoughts but it's getting so hard, I feel like I will snap eventually.

I was supposed to get mental help years ago. I was supposed to get a fucking diagnosis. I know there's something wrong with me, something other than autism. But my mother doesn't even let me get mental help. I was supposed to go to therapy, I was supposed to see a physiatrist ages ago. Police officers came to the house one time and they said that I was going to get booked in for therapy, they said I had to get diagnosed. That was a long while ago, I've never heard from any doctors. I've had to self diagnose myself and I fucking hate it, I hate how rotten it makes me feel, it feels like I'm just seeking attention and romanticising serious mental disorders. I want a ducking diagnosis but my mother won't let me see anyone. And it's not like I can leave anyway, I'd probably starve on the streets. So I'm fucking stuck here.

Now I'm sitting here writing all of this while listening to loud music,, I hate my mother so much, I wish she'd fucking suffer. She was abused by my father, she was fucking abused, and she sees me as the problem even when I was a fucking child. She never bothered to teach me anything, I know she regrets having me. I was never taught basic social skills or anything, and I've grown up unable to be a functioning member of society. I cant even bring myself to go outside and interact with people. I stay in my room all day, and I always feel empty. The only time I don't feel so fucking empty is if I'm feeling somewhat happy,, or if I'm feeling angry of course. I always snap at the most simplest things, I fucking tear up out of stress and rage, I always feel so fucking stupid over small mistakes. I just want to fucking,, break or kill something, anything. My mother always compares me to my father,, I think she's turning me into him. I don't want to be like this, I don't want to be some murderous monster. I just want to be normal, I want to have a normal life, I want to be safe and sound with my friends, why is it so fucking hard…

Sometimes, when I lay in bed late at night, I think about killing my mother in such a brutal way,, I can't even describe it, I want to fucking rip her into shreds. I want her to scream, I want her to suffer. Yet I'm too much of a coward to act upon my intrusive thoughts, at least for now. I've considered killing her and then myself, I think about it an awful lot. I have no idea what will happen if I decide to cbt, I have no idea if I'll suffer or if I'll be happy or if I'll just be nothing. I feel like my mother deserves to suffer for what she's done to me.. and yet… I feel like I will regret it if I commit matricide. I feel like I'm too kind, I feel like I will chicken out while I'm halfway into it. I'm so fucking scared, im so fucking scared of thinking about it, hell I'm fucking scared of myself.

I hate how I feel pity for you. I hate how I'm too kind and too scared to take you down with me. I fucking hate you.

I can definitely relate to you, my parents are awful too.
Maybe they aren't directly abusive but they have neglected me a good amount and set me back in life so much and I still live with them and am reliant on them financially.
I also think I might be autistic but it's just a speculation for now.

I was at the same spot you are in right now.
I would have thoughts about it every time I saw or heard them, I was full of resentment.

It started as a fantasy but eventually became a plan.
I was going to do it but at some point I've realized that kil*ing my parents would make people view me as a monster and that it wont help me much if I want to keep on living since what they've done to me will never go away like that and for legal reasons too of course.
Revenge feels good but it wont fix most of your issues.
It wont help me if I were to commit suicide right after either, since ill be gone.

Also, I don't want to encourage anything, but I've figured that to them living with the guilt of me committing suicide will hurt much more than any physical torture and an easy death especially, I don't want to give them that luxury.
And if I somehow manage to fix my life and to stop being around them then I really wont care as much.

I've personally decided to try and take control of my own life instead of blaming others, regardless of what they've done to me.
I'll never forgive them and ill never forget what they've done to me but im trying to move on.
I treat them as NPCs, no matter what I do they'll always be awful, and what they've done to me wont change, so why bother hating them if it makes me feel so bad?
I need to focus on what can change which is myself.

I still struggle with it, it hasn't been long since I've made that decision so I haven't moved on very much, but I find myself actively hating alot less which is great.

I used to resent everything, and constantly being around things you hate definitely puts you in an awfully negative place.
I don't have anything else to suggest except maybe trying to avoid them in certain ways, maybe listen to loud music, maybe dont look at them as much, do whatever you can to avoid them.

Maybe my advice wont resonate with you, but personally I find that nothing resonates with me at first and its only later on that I recall certain pieces of advice and embrace them.

Good luck.

 

[TheSpookyNameGuy]

I can't say much honestly, but i feel the exact same way.

I often have a mental tossup of wanting to put a bullet in my parents head, some days when i abuse them i often feel it so easy too

 

[Lunaloveflood]

I relate so much to your mother bragging to her friends about your art yet not caring about your mental health

I discovered people liked my singing and for the first time i felt accepted for something i love to do.. My mom always want to show off my singing to her friends and even strangers(or even my old friends ffs) It's a bit akward for me since i don't like to show unfinished project but i'm not mad about it bc at least for once i feel like i can do something right
But all she care about is what she can get from me I suspect i may have autism because I very much struggle with basic things like sleeping , taking care of my self or going outisde and stuff
And every time i talk about it it's like i'm shattering her perfect world I think she and my dad probably have autism too but they cope with it by lying to themself or ignoring it and ofc using their scapegoat (me)
I feel so guilty for hating her sometimes but it's like non stop walking on eggshell and not being able to escape it Every time i do something wrong (like not going to family gathering or not cleanning how she told me to ) she yell at me and use me like a punching ball for her negative emotions (and if i do the same i'm a monster)
The first time i talked about autism she told me i was delusionnal and looking for excuses to be lazy because " I can talk " so i can't be autistic
She also don't want me diagnosed bc it's too expansive and/or i should take appointment myself bc she is busy

Sorry if i vented under your topic i know my situation is probably nothing compared to yours but i relate so much to many things you said
It's so unfair that innocent child end up in dysfonctionnal family having to grew up like that is hell
It's normal you end up feeling this rage after everything you went through and it's good you find ways to express it without hurting anyone
I also think you'll regret it if you do it , you do really seem to be kind and in my opinion it's huge strenght to be kind So i don't agree when you say you are a coward , in my opinion the coward is your mother
I hope you'll find ways to enjoy your art again and find a way to get mental help