Story Message for all

[NoPoint2Life]

Had alright day but still feel like shit. It was an easy day and i have a good life compared to a lot of people. Have relative staying this weekend but once they're gone I hope I'll find guts to end it. It's not just the voices, I can't do any of this. Life is exhausting and empty and pointless

OK, so I can't be a hypocrite and argue much about life in general being pointless because you can see my username. But that's my personal opinion and it doesn't have to be yours. Actually, I can assure you your life in particular is not pointless simply because you actually make me smile every time I see a post from you and know that you're still here. All it takes to know you are a good person is knowing you've positively affected one person and you have positively affected many of us here.
I can also say I feel like that's something I haven't heard you say before. When this thread started, we saw that you felt you needed to ctb but didn't actually want to. Obviously, there are things you still want to do in life.

you are definitely not evil. You can get a bad vibe from people on this forum when it comes to being evil by the things they post. There are no bad vibes from you.

And you said a lot of positive things there. Your day was all right and easy and you realize you have a good life compared to many others. Try to concentrate on those things. It's better than how some of your days have recently been. Maybe this is something you should try to build on.

I think you should reconsider the medicine.
It may take time to kick in, but in that time you can see that nothing bad is happening. And for me, it was actually like a distraction, trying to figure out what was working best. It made me concentrate on a lot of smaller details in my life.
I may be very late to the game on suggesting this, but have you ever tried just blasting music , especially with earbuds so that you won't hear any voices?

I don't know if any of this helps or not. But I'm wishing you hugs and a good nights sleep either way.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

They did ask a couple weeks ago if I wanted to book in to see psych to discuss possibility of meds but said i wasnt sure so they've left it for now. I could ask it wanted but don't want to take any meds and my sleep isn't too bad atm, most nights I get enough for me.
it's always been pointless.

You could always give it a try?
I mean make the appt and discuss meds. No need to take them after that either.

I'm glad you are sleeping a bit better!!

How are you today?

 

[cotton]

Why do you think you're evil? what have you done?

 

[timetodie24]

OK, so I can't be a hypocrite and argue much about life in general being pointless because you can see my username. But that's my personal opinion and it doesn't have to be yours. Actually, I can assure you your life in particular is not pointless simply because you actually make me smile every time I see a post from you and know that you're still here. All it takes to know you are a good person is knowing you've positively affected one person and you have positively affected many of us here.
I can also say I feel like that's something I haven't heard you say before. When this thread started, we saw that you felt you needed to ctb but didn't actually want to. Obviously, there are things you still want to do in life.

you are definitely not evil. You can get a bad vibe from people on this forum when it comes to being evil by the things they post. There are no bad vibes from you.

And you said a lot of positive things there. Your day was all right and easy and you realize you have a good life compared to many others. Try to concentrate on those things. It's better than how some of your days have recently been. Maybe this is something you should try to build on.

I think you should reconsider the medicine.
It may take time to kick in, but in that time you can see that nothing bad is happening. And for me, it was actually like a distraction, trying to figure out what was working best. It made me concentrate on a lot of smaller details in my life.
I may be very late to the game on suggesting this, but have you ever tried just blasting music , especially with earbuds so that you won't hear any voices?

I don't know if any of this helps or not. But I'm wishing you hugs and a good nights sleep either way.

Thank you for your thoughtful response and all your support lately.
I know my threads lately all focused on feeling I have to die. Whilst that's still true, for much longer i've wanted to die . I first had thoughts 10 years ago and first attempted ctb in 2020 yet only known about the system this year. Life has felt pointless and wanted it to be over for a long time. I just guess wanting to and being able to successfully end it are 2 different things. And the system is pushing me into doing it in a timeframe I didn't choose and in a method I'd never choose. But even before that i felt very hopeless about life, hated myself and life for many years. I've had a good life that i'm grateful for but that's not a reason to stay . I'm the problem not my life and that has been true since I was a child and won't change.

Why do you think you're evil? what have you done?

Many reasons that i won't go into

You could always give it a try?
I mean make the appt and discuss meds. No need to take them after that either.

I'm glad you are sleeping a bit better!!

How are you today?

I'm alright thanks. Felt pretty crap today but it's past midnight here, in bed now and haven't consumed anything inedible today so small wins I guess.
How are you ?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

sending you peaceful thoughts and many hugs TTD.

 

[Surai]

There needs to be a world seperate from this one

 

[timetodie24]

Not having a good evening. sudden urges to run away, chest pain/tightness and voices are saying it's because they're here for me and want to help. They say that it's time to go to the road . It is tempting.

 

[wren-briar]

Not having a good evening. sudden urges to run away, chest pain/tightness and voices are saying it's because they're here for me and want to help. They say that it's time to go to the road . It is tempting.

If it isn't already evident, there are many voices of people here who care for you and we want what's best for you, which is definitely not the goal of those urges.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Not having a good evening. sudden urges to run away, chest pain/tightness and voices are saying it's because they're here for me and want to help. They say that it's time to go to the road . It is tempting.

So sorry to hear that! Could grounding exercises/breathing exercises or something help?
Although my reason for chest pain is different, maybe it helps for you as well?

I'm alright thanks. Felt pretty crap today but it's past midnight here, in bed now and haven't consumed anything inedible today so small wins I guess.
How are you ?

I'm so proud of you That's such a huge accomplishment!

Bit better again each day, physically.
Mentally a big mess. But hey thats life..

 

[alltoomuch2]

Not having a good evening. sudden urges to run away, chest pain/tightness and voices are saying it's because they're here for me and want to help. They say that it's time to go to the road . It is tempting.

I really hope you're still here . I thought my updates were set to email notifications so I missed this. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. Fine friend I am. Hope you made it to today so you can tell me yourself . I don't think it was tempting to go to the road. It was terrifying because you don't want to die and not in that way. Bloody voices. I wish I could make them go away for you. And they're stupid anyway because not many HGVs on the roads on a Sunday evening so you probably just got cold and wet. Not that the voices cared how you felt. How was it with the relative? Is it someone you like? Did you do anything nice? Just an emoji will be fine if you can't use words today. Just something so we'll know you're still here

 

[timetodie24]

If it isn't already evident, there are many voices of people here who care for you and we want what's best for you, which is definitely not the goal of those urges.

Thank you so much

So sorry to hear that! Could grounding exercises/breathing exercises or something help?
Although my reason for chest pain is different, maybe it helps for you as well?

I'm so proud of you That's such a huge accomplishment!

Bit better again each day, physically.
Mentally a big mess. But hey thats life..

Thanks, wouldn't say huge accomplishment but at least progress . I made it yesterday without doing it too . I think mostly down to the fact that I was having some physical symptoms that may have been caused by it so trying not to for now as i know ending up in hospital will make things worse . So far symptoms seemed to have resolved today.

Glad you're starting to feel physically better, albeit slowly. Well it'd be greedy to be getting better mentally too, life wouldn't be that kind ! . But in all seriousness. Sorry things are so shit atm, here if you want to talk x

I really hope you're still here . I thought my updates were set to email notifications so I missed this. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. Fine friend I am. Hope you made it to today so you can tell me yourself . I don't think it was tempting to go to the road. It was terrifying because you don't want to die and not in that way. Bloody voices. I wish I could make them go away for you. And they're stupid anyway because not many HGVs on the roads on a Sunday evening so you probably just got cold and wet. Not that the voices cared how you felt. How was it with the relative? Is it someone you like? Did you do anything nice? Just an emoji will be fine if you can't use words today. Just something so we'll know you're still here

hey. Sorry.
You have nothing to apologise for. I dont expect you or anyone to respond to any of my posts nevermind all of them, don't worry about it ! You have so much going on in your own life to focus on too
Feeling a bit calmer today thanks. managed to resist the voices last night, don't want to do it impulsively like that.

 

[SVEN]

Good on you TtD. Hoping you manage to continue to endure. Sometimes that's really all we can manage to achieve.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Thank you so much

Thanks, wouldn't say huge accomplishment but at least progress . I made it yesterday without doing it too . I think mostly down to the fact that I was having some physical symptoms that may have been caused by it so trying not to for now as i know ending up in hospital will make things worse . So far symptoms seemed to have resolved today.

Glad you're starting to feel physically better, albeit slowly. Well it'd be greedy to be getting better mentally too, life wouldn't be that kind ! . But in all seriousness. Sorry things are so shit atm, here if you want to talk x

hey. Sorry.
You have nothing to apologise for. I dont expect you or anyone to respond to any of my posts nevermind all of them, don't worry about it ! You have so much going on in your own life to focus on too
Feeling a bit calmer today thanks. managed to resit the voices last night, don't want to do it impulsively like that.

Lost for words to express what I think but very glad you're here, in awe of your strength and resilience and pleased you're feeling a bit calmer

 

[timetodie24]

Trying to resist urges today but have been collecting various metal items (small to swallow, some sharp) from around the house like some deranged magpie

They're loud again tonight still wanting me to follow them as they say the exit to the system is on that highway. It's the answer to everything so why am I torn ?

 

[alltoomuch2]

Trying to resist urges today but have been collecting various metal items (small to swallow, some sharp) from around the house like some deranged magpie

They're loud again tonight still wanting me to follow them as they say the exit to the system is on that highway. It's the answer to everything so why am I torn ?

I think you're torn because the voices are trying to get you to ctb against your will using a method you wouldn't choose to use. Please stay tonight. Xxx

 

[timetodie24]

I think you're torn because the voices are trying to get you to ctb against your will using a method you wouldn't choose to use. Please stay tonight. Xxx

Idk. It's not that bad a method. As long as it works then maybe the pressure is a good thing? I can't do it tonight dw, it'll be during day if/when I do it . But this never ends otherwise so doesn't make sense to stay. Even if i'm not sure it's what I want, idk what I do want but I do know what is meant to be

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Hey TTD. Happy to see you posting, I understand completely that you're feeling pushed to follow through despite not being sure. Stay here and talk with us today and tomorrow will be what it will be, we'll still be here for you <3

 

[timetodie24]

Today had been a better day, voices not so loud so far. Yet stronger sh urges so swallowed a sharper screw today . Still very small so unlikely to do anything but at least getting closer to the things they want me to swallow. I know it's stupid and the risks etc but past caring atm . I feel so distant from life and so fed up of it . Why can't i get the courage to hurry up and end it ?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

SI is built in, it's not easily overcome, usually no matter what is going on. Maybe part of it is because you know this isn't fully under YOUR control and maybe you would like it to be your choice and yours alone versus feeling the way you're feeling? <3 I hope this doesn't come off as flip but just trying to give some perspective from the outside. You know I'm on your side, friend. Thinking of you.

 

[timetodie24]

SI is built in, it's not easily overcome, usually no matter what is going on. Maybe part of it is because you know this isn't fully under YOUR control and maybe you would like it to be your choice and yours alone versus feeling the way you're feeling? <3 I hope this doesn't come off as flip but just trying to give some perspective from the outside. You know I'm on your side, friend. Thinking of you.

Thank you
Yeah that makes sense, I know part of me still knows it's wrong to be pressured into it. I want the same end result though so that shouldn't matter . I want them to push me harder. I wish they'd be really cruel and never give me a break. I hope they drive me to it asap

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Just came across this post you wrote from today on somebody's thread who wanted to CTB now:

" I'll miss your posts if you do go
i hope whatever you decide that you don't feel pushed into doing it in a way or timeframe that you don't feel comfortable with . Impulsive is never good idea . Whatever you choose, we're here with you"

Please follow your own advice!!!
I'm glad you had a better day today and hope it continues.

 

[timetodie24]

Just came across this post you wrote from today on somebody's thread who wanted to CTB now:

" I'll miss your posts if you do go
i hope whatever you decide that you don't feel pushed into doing it in a way or timeframe that you don't feel comfortable with . Impulsive is never good idea . Whatever you choose, we're here with you"

Please follow your own advice!!!
I'm glad you had a better day today and hope it continues.

won't be impulsive when I do it, feeling more comfortable with method and they've not given me new timeframe yet. so doesn't apply
I really want this now not just need it

 

[timetodie24]

Sorry this is becoming a long vent thread now. Pls dont feel like you have to read or comment, block/ignore if needed too.

Slept badly last night, had unsettling dreams linked to everything going on atm that felt like a warning. So been pretty exhausted today.

I think someone left another forum because of me , when i said i was leaving that site they said they will too and did. Sick of that site anyway as it's very pro-life , monitored by MH charity, everyone there is lovely, but a passing comment about how SH helps me (after someone told me 'don't do it, it serves no purpose') got removed by their mods incase it 'encourages SH'. It's anon still so they don't call authorities or anything at least. Still best I stay away, just miss some people now and hope the person who left is ok. Feel guilty as they were very kind to me .

It's so stupid but all I can think about is swallowing stuff now all day. Rarely get cutting urges anymore. Swallowed a safety pin today, it was definitely closed so very low risk , but felt like increasing risk slightly incase did somehow open (although very unlikely) . Need to stop being a coward so should swallow open one next then the stuff the system suggested. Once i've proved myself they'll give me new ctb date .

Don't feel i'm going to get much sleep. Staying awake as much as I can to punish myself, also to work things out and to make sure my parents aren't up to anything like more microchips. The voices have been a bit quiet and it's unsettling as I really want their guidance.

Such a pathetic mess.

 

[timetodie24]

Had appt. with CPN today. She sent me questions beforehand which I email back . Including 1 about the SH, I admitted I'd still been swallowing foreign bodies and that the urges were really hard to cope with and on my mind all the time. She read it but didn't really say anything. She didn't ask about what or how much , or about any symptoms caused. We spent most of the session going through more of the course on voices/unusual experiences. Which is useful info at least, although a lot of this week i'd covered in my psychology degree already.

Feeling conflicted now. Whilst I'm very glad she didn't mention A&E again or have to talk lots, part of me wishes she asked more about the SH. Because I have no idea how to cope with this and i dont want to make life worse for myself ending up needing operations or something but that's the way I see this heading. At the end she did ask if anything I wanted to talk about so my fault as I should've said but I find it really hard to (hence her emailing me questions). Will try to next week . I don't want to email her between sessions so will try to put it on my answers next week. Just feel like I could end up causing myself damage in the meantime as i think my stomach is a bit irritated from it already atm. Yet still planning to escalate the sh once it settles.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Had appt. with CPN today. She sent me questions beforehand which I email back . Including 1 about the SH, I admitted I'd still been swallowing foreign bodies and that the urges were really hard to cope with and on my mind all the time. She read it but didn't really say anything. She didn't ask about what or how much , or about any symptoms caused. We spent most of the session going through more of the course on voices/unusual experiences. Which is useful info at least, although a lot of this week i'd covered in my psychology degree already.

Feeling conflicted now. Whilst I'm very glad she didn't mention A&E again or have to talk lots, part of me wishes she asked more about the SH. Because I have no idea how to cope with this and i dont want to make life worse for myself ending up needing operations or something but that's the way I see this heading. At the end she did ask if anything I wanted to talk about so my fault as I should've said but I find it really hard to (hence her emailing me questions). Will try to next week . I don't want to email her between sessions so will try to put it on my answers next week. Just feel like I could end up causing myself damage in the meantime as i think my stomach is a bit irritated from it already atm. Yet still planning to escalate the sh once it settles.

we're here for you. i'm so proud of you for continuing to push for yourself etc. I understand why you didn't push mentioning the sh in the moment, but rooting for you to be able to mention it for next week. keep in mind of choking hazards. not a method please try to stay drinking water at least if you can.

holding you in my thoughts big hugs.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Had appt. with CPN today. She sent me questions beforehand which I email back . Including 1 about the SH, I admitted I'd still been swallowing foreign bodies and that the urges were really hard to cope with and on my mind all the time. She read it but didn't really say anything. She didn't ask about what or how much , or about any symptoms caused. We spent most of the session going through more of the course on voices/unusual experiences. Which is useful info at least, although a lot of this week i'd covered in my psychology degree already.

Feeling conflicted now. Whilst I'm very glad she didn't mention A&E again or have to talk lots, part of me wishes she asked more about the SH. Because I have no idea how to cope with this and i dont want to make life worse for myself ending up needing operations or something but that's the way I see this heading. At the end she did ask if anything I wanted to talk about so my fault as I should've said but I find it really hard to (hence her emailing me questions). Will try to next week . I don't want to email her between sessions so will try to put it on my answers next week. Just feel like I could end up causing myself damage in the meantime as i think my stomach is a bit irritated from it already atm. Yet still planning to escalate the sh once it settles.

I think your cpn trusts you to tell her if you get into problems. Keep that in mind. She'll know you won't contact her without justification so she won't mind if you ask her help to get you through the moment. Take care my friend. You're still doing well considering everything. Hope your weekend goes ok. xxxxx

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Had appt. with CPN today. She sent me questions beforehand which I email back . Including 1 about the SH, I admitted I'd still been swallowing foreign bodies and that the urges were really hard to cope with and on my mind all the time. She read it but didn't really say anything. She didn't ask about what or how much , or about any symptoms caused. We spent most of the session going through more of the course on voices/unusual experiences. Which is useful info at least, although a lot of this week i'd covered in my psychology degree already.

Feeling conflicted now. Whilst I'm very glad she didn't mention A&E again or have to talk lots, part of me wishes she asked more about the SH. Because I have no idea how to cope with this and i dont want to make life worse for myself ending up needing operations or something but that's the way I see this heading. At the end she did ask if anything I wanted to talk about so my fault as I should've said but I find it really hard to (hence her emailing me questions). Will try to next week . I don't want to email her between sessions so will try to put it on my answers next week. Just feel like I could end up causing myself damage in the meantime as i think my stomach is a bit irritated from it already atm. Yet still planning to escalate the sh once it settles.

If you want to talk about it more, can you put it in the email you send her before hand?
I don't think she will mind at all.

Hugs from me for trying so hard

 

[timetodie24]

we're here for you. i'm so proud of you for continuing to push for yourself etc. I understand why you didn't push mentioning the sh in the moment, but rooting for you to be able to mention it for next week. keep in mind of choking hazards. not a method please try to stay drinking water at least if you can.

holding you in my thoughts big hugs.

If you want to talk about it more, can you put it in the email you send her before hand?
I don't think she will mind at all.

Hugs from me for trying so hard

I think your cpn trusts you to tell her if you get into problems. Keep that in mind. She'll know you won't contact her without justification so she won't mind if you ask her help to get you through the moment. Take care my friend. You're still doing well considering everything. Hope your weekend goes ok. xxxxx

thank you all so much for your continued support and kindness xx hope today is going as well as can be for you all

it means a lot, especially as feeling pretty lonely lately. I talk to family but not about this stuff. And that's it really (other than my cpn).I don't have a job so spend a lot of time at home. I've completely cut myself off from friends, haven't seen them in nearly a year or responded to messages in several months. it's for their safety but it's getting to me a bit recently but I' glad I have everyone here, it helps a lot. it's just me and the system a lot of the time, and I trust them but it scares me. I don't need anyone else really, just need to stop being pathetic and coward

I will try to put it in my reply next week that I need help with the sh urges, although depends how it goes in next week, maybe it'll be less anyway as has been less often I acted on it this week x

 

[alltoomuch2]

thank you all so much for your continued support and kindness xx hope today is going as well as can be for you all

it means a lot, especially as feeling pretty lonely lately. I talk to family but not about this stuff. And that's it really (other than my cpn).I don't have a job so spend a lot of time at home. I've completely cut myself off from friends, haven't seen them in nearly a year or responded to messages in several months. it's for their safety but it's getting to me a bit recently but I' glad I have everyone here, it helps a lot. it's just me and the system a lot of the time, and I trust them but it scares me. I don't need anyone else really, just need to stop being pathetic and coward

I will try to put it in my reply next week that I need help with the sh urges, although depends how it goes in next week, maybe it'll be less anyway as has been less often I acted on it this week x

You're being so strong. I'm glad you can work well with your CPN. She sounds cool too. Helping you but not interfering too much. That's how all MH workers should be. I think we both have the evidence that NHS MH workers can be brilliant when you finally get to see them. It's the wait that does the harm. I hope you're not feeling the effects too much of eating that stuff. And hope you have as good a Sunday as you can. I'm always here for you but never feel obliged to answer and if I'm ever too much, just say. You're doing great and I'm still amazed how kind and thoughtful you still are xxxx

 

[NoPoint2Life]

thank you all so much for your continued support and kindness xx hope today is going as well as can be for you all

it means a lot, especially as feeling pretty lonely lately. I talk to family but not about this stuff. And that's it really (other than my cpn).I don't have a job so spend a lot of time at home. I've completely cut myself off from friends, haven't seen them in nearly a year or responded to messages in several months. it's for their safety but it's getting to me a bit recently but I' glad I have everyone here, it helps a lot. it's just me and the system a lot of the time, and I trust them but it scares me. I don't need anyone else really, just need to stop being pathetic and coward

I will try to put it in my reply next week that I need help with the sh urges, although depends how it goes in next week, maybe it'll be less anyway as has been less often I acted on it this week x

Please stop calling yourself pathetic and a coward. You're a fighter. You've been fighting through this all along, and I'm sure it has taken a toll but even through that your kindness and thoughtfulness shine through.