Story Message for all

[timetodie24]

Thank you so much everyone for the continued support
Even after an ok day today, feeling detached and exhausted. Not sleeping well isnt helping but too much on my mind. I'm ok all things considered. Increasingly confused. And really not sure how or why I'm still here.
I'm slipping away more and desperately need to save everyone before i'm fully gone .
But idk what to do anymore

 

[wren-briar]

@timetodie24 - I know you're currently working with a crisis team. Out of curiosity, have you tried staying at a Soteria house? If not, is that an option?

 

[timetodie24]

@timetodie24 - I know you're currently working with a crisis team. Out of curiosity, have you tried staying at a Soteria house? If not, is that an option?

I'd never heard of them as they aren't a thing in UK. I looked into and there was one that closed in 2016 after only being opened for a year. I guess lack of funding. There are some people campaigning and working on opening more though apparently.

 

[SVEN]

Still here. Not good. Can't really do words atm sorry .

But thank you so much and hugs to @Whale_bones @alltoomuch2 @NoPoint2Life @opheliaoveragain @Edistrying
@Lostandfound82

Just hang in there meantime TtD, and try to be kind to yourself, m8.

 

[wren-briar]

It might also be worth contacting the UK group that's trying to set up Soteria Houses and Respite Centers. If for no other reason than you may find some more IRL allies and friends. https://www.soterianetwork.org.uk/contact/

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

How are you doing today @timetodie24?

I've been having a really tough week with a lot of longcovid symptoms. Derailing everything again. Combined with a fkd up gp and panic attacks.
Hence me not commenting, srry bout that.
But doing a bit better again today, Yay!

 

[-Toplox-]

No disrespect bub, I but I have no idea what you're talking about.

 

[timetodie24]

Just hang in there meantime TtD, and try to be kind to yourself, m8.

Thank you hope you're doing as ok as possible

How are you doing today @timetodie24?

I've been having a really tough week with a lot of longcovid symptoms. Derailing everything again. Combined with a fkd up gp and panic attacks.
Hence me not commenting, srry bout that.
But doing a bit better again today, Yay!

No need to apologise ! I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, sounds awful. It's horrible when it's one thing after another. I'm glad you're feeling at least a bit better today and hope that continues.
Sending hugs your way and never any pressure or expectation to reply , take your time

No disrespect bub, I but I have no idea what you're talking about.

i understand it's confusing, it is for me too ! It's also missing context (i have lots of previous posts explaining) so i get why it doesn't make sense

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Sending you so many hugs TtD. We're here for you. Just happy to see you posting. I hope things are going as well as possible, I know lack of sleep is hard. Hoping you can get some real rest soon.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Just want to echo what the others are saying. You are in my thoughts.

 

[timetodie24]

Sending you so many hugs TtD. We're here for you. Just happy to see you posting. I hope things are going as well as possible, I know lack of sleep is hard. Hoping you can get some real rest soon.

Just want to echo what the others are saying. You are in my thoughts.

Thank you so much both of you
Hope you're both doing as ok as you can be, whatever that looks like for you

 

[timetodie24]

Feeling a bit dissociated today. Well I think? just felt a bit out of it on walk then in shower it was like I couldn't feel the water on me fully. Also things taste weird today.
Feeling more grounded now though.
Because I'm an idiot , I carved the word 'evil' very big down my leg. It didn't even help. Can't be bothered to properly SH lately. Not deep so shouldn't permanently scar, embarrassing eventhough no one should see it as I always wear trousers.
Voices have warned me about some specific dangers because of me so going to keep checking news to see if they're bluffing or not.
Feeling a bit calmer about food now, not so many thoughts about it being drugged but my mum did drug my coffee the other day but I chucked it after not drinking much luckily.

Harder than I thought not seeing my cpn this past week but no idea what i'll say to her next
( this coming)week tbh anyway .

I feel so ashamed and guilty that I'm still here

 

[ARW3N]

Reads like the plot for The Medusa Touch, a psychological thriller about a telekinetic novelist who causes disasters simply by thinking about them. Seriously, I doubt very greatly that your death will bring to an end the Middle East crisis and Russia Ukraine war or the world's natural disasters, which are more down to man's inhumanity to man and climate change than one guy's highly destructive telekinetic powers.

 

[wren-briar]

Did you put some antibiotic on and bandage your new wound?

Is there any chance you can bump up your con appointment?

 

[timetodie24]

Reads like the plot for The Medusa Touch, a psychological thriller about a telekinetic novelist who causes disasters simply by thinking about them. Seriously, I doubt very greatly that your death will bring to an end the Middle East crisis and Russia Ukraine war or the world's natural disasters, which are more down to man's inhumanity to man and climate change than one guy's highly destructive telekinetic powers.

I'm well aware i'm not telekinetic and that life isn't a novel . My death won't fix any existing problems, it will just prevent further destruction directly resulting from the glitch (me living past death date). Yes horrible things like natural disasters and war will still happen after my death. I know I'm not that important or powerful. But me living will cause a chain reaction of more disaster and end of the world. So i need to prevent that.

Did you put some antibiotic on and bandage your new wound?

Is there any chance you can bump up your con appointment?

I've used some antiseptic spray plaster (liquid band aid) as very superficial.

I see them on thursday so not long to wait anyway. I can contact them to speak sooner on phone if needed but I don't feel I need to.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

hoping you can feel safe enough to get some food soon. glad to see you're feeling more grounded, even though I know it likely doesn't just fix anything. I def can relate to the shower feelings. it's a part of derealization in my experience. not a push back on your experiences at all. we're here for you no matter what.

 

[timetodie24]

It's stupid and embarrassing but started swallowing small harmless things (just earring back so far- pathetic I know) to build myself up to swallowing more harmful things . System wants me to swallow harmful things (like blades, batteries and magnets) but trying to psych myself up to it . I know it's bad idea but have to follow their rules. I've never SH this way before

 

[NoPoint2Life]

First of all, it's not embarrassing or pathetic. You are doing what you believe you have to do. But you don't need to do any of this. I want to reassure you that we all think there is no reason for you to harm yourself at all. It's unnecessary and the world will be fine. Why not try believing us instead of the system? See what happens?
The things you want to swallow are dangerous, and they are just going to land you in the hospital. I don't want to see you hurting more.

 

[Hvergelmir]

It's stupid and embarrassing but started swallowing small harmless things (just earring back so far- pathetic I know) to build myself up to swallowing more harmful things . System wants me to swallow harmful things (like blades, batteries and magnets) but trying to psych myself up to it . I know it's bad idea but have to follow their rules. I've never SH this way before

Good to see you still around. It sure sounds like a stupid thing, but there's no reason for embarrassment.
I think you should consult a doctor, asap. You don't want to go out from something puncturing an intestine, sending you into a months-long septic shock and painful operations.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

not stupid or embarrassing. it's what you're going through and that's why this place is here for us.

ignore if i'm off base, but if you're feeling pushed to self harm in a way that could really leave lasting internal damage and not kill you, wouldn't that mess with the systems goal of you ctb'ing? just trying my best to be mindful of how you're feeling and what you've said.

sending big hugs regardless.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Like said above, no shame needed.
But my first thought was the same. It likely won't kill you but will put you in the hospital for surgery. Bad idea..! Could you share this on your appointment on thursday? Maybe you can find ways to fight the system on this together?

 

[timetodie24]

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful responses and lack of judgement, it means a lot

First of all, it's not embarrassing or pathetic. You are doing what you believe you have to do. But you don't need to do any of this. I want to reassure you that we all think there is no reason for you to harm yourself at all. It's unnecessary and the world will be fine. Why not try believing us instead of the system? See what happens?
The things you want to swallow are dangerous, and they are just going to land you in the hospital. I don't want to see you hurting more.

Thank you so much for your understanding.
It's getting harder to fight the thoughts and voices. Idk what's real anymore.
Idc how much I harm myself but yes I don't want to end up in hospital and i know that's likely if swallow the harmful things. But it's hard to reason with those in control

Good to see you still around. It sure sounds like a stupid thing, but there's no reason for embarrassment.
I think you should consult a doctor, asap. You don't want to go out from something puncturing an intestine, sending you into a months-long septic shock and painful operations.

thank you so much for your understanding. I'll try to tell my CPN (mental health nurse) about it in my next appt. As haven't swallowed anything harmful yet so it can wait.

not stupid or embarrassing. it's what you're going through and that's why this place is here for us.

ignore if i'm off base, but if you're feeling pushed to self harm in a way that could really leave lasting internal damage and not kill you, wouldn't that mess with the systems goal of you ctb'ing? just trying my best to be mindful of how you're feeling and what you've said.

sending big hugs regardless.

Thank you so much for your kindness
yes it doesn't really make sense since it'd likely delay ctb. The system is conflicting at times which makes it all very confusing
Hugs your way too

Like said above, no shame needed.
But my first thought was the same. It likely won't kill you but will put you in the hospital for surgery. Bad idea..! Could you share this on your appointment on thursday? Maybe you can find ways to fight the system on this together?

Thank you so much
Yes I don't want to end up in hospital/needing surgery, which is what has stopped me so far. But it's getting harder to ignore so that's why started to take steps to push myself to do it.
I'll try to mention it in my next appt.

Hope you're feeling a bit better ?

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Thank you so much for your understanding. I'll try to tell my
Thank you so much
Yes I don't want to end up in hospital/needing surgery, which is what has stopped me so far. But it's getting harder to ignore so that's why started to take steps to push myself to do it.
I'll try to mention it in my next appt.

Hope you're feeling a bit better ?

please try. As you said. You don't want to go down that road yourself at all.

Today is the first day in over 2 weeks I felt human! Whoehoe.. ish. Ha ha.
Not as breathless as before. Hate it. Hate feeling as if I'm being choked all day long. Just creeping back in now. Need more sleep to reset, but I'm not sleeping. Go figure. But overall a lot better already, thank you

 

[timetodie24]

please try. As you said. You don't want to go down that road yourself at all.

Today is the first day in over 2 weeks I felt human! Whoehoe.. ish. Ha ha.
Not as breathless as before. Hate it. Hate feeling as if I'm being choked all day long. Just creeping back in now. Need more sleep to reset, but I'm not sleeping. Go figure. But overall a lot better already, thank you

I hope you feel much better soon, I'm glad at least things have been improving. It sounds horrendous for you . I hope you can get some sleep soon, nothing worse when you're unwell and can't get well rested

 

[timetodie24]

It's stupid and embarrassing but started swallowing small harmless things (just earring back so far- pathetic I know) to build myself up to swallowing more harmful things . System wants me to swallow harmful things (like blades, batteries and magnets) but trying to psych myself up to it . I know it's bad idea but have to follow their rules. I've never SH this way before

Swallowed something slightly more risky but still likely harmless tonight . I know i shouldn't be heading further down this road but can't stop myself. Just testing myself with something slightly worse each day so none of the harmful things yet.

 

[Whale_bones]

Feeling a bit dissociated today. Well I think? just felt a bit out of it on walk then in shower it was like I couldn't feel the water on me fully. Also things taste weird today.
Feeling more grounded now though.

I often have that feeling with the shower too, like I'm only feeling the water 25% even as it's hitting my skin. Seems to be a common thing with dissasociation, I wonder if it's because it's usually a lot of sensation with a lot of water hitting the body all at once, so it's harder for our brains to process that? Just my thoughts on it, I'm glad you were able to feel a bit more grounded afterwards though.

It's stupid and embarrassing but started swallowing small harmless things (just earring back so far- pathetic I know) to build myself up to swallowing more harmful things . System wants me to swallow harmful things (like blades, batteries and magnets) but trying to psych myself up to it . I know it's bad idea but have to follow their rules. I've never SH this way before

I'm so sorry you have to deal with these urges and commands, you aren't pathetic at all and I'm proud of you for doing your best to fight it

Unfortunately things take a while to go through your whole digestive system, so even if it doesn't cause any problems in your mouth or throat when being swallowed, there is still the danger of it causing a tear in your stomach or intestines. And these can range from mild to severe.

You probably already know of this, it's just good to keep in mind if you feel a sudden pain in your abdomen even days later, it could be caused by an object. No judgment at all, I have swallowed an object before when in extreme distress, and had to get scans repeatedly for a while afterwards, and it was scary and stressful the whole time.

I would say definitely talk to your cpn about this if you feel okay to, since she's been supportive so far. It can be helpful to simply get that off your chest and know you're not having to keep that all inside and deal with the burden on your own (besides us lovely online people, of course )

 

[timetodie24]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response as always @Whale_bones . Hope you're doing as ok as can be .


Having minor stomach pain today but must be either coincidence or psychological. It was a very small, blunt screw i swallowed yesterday so can't cause any damage.

 

[wren-briar]

It was a very small, blunt screw i swallowed yesterday so can't cause any damage.

Anything that your system can't digest, no matter how small or blunt, can cause problems.

In my case, very minor surgical scars (the original surgery was adjacent to my intestines, not in my intestines) from more than a decade prior (2008) were determined to be the cause of horrendous GI issues that I suffered for more than a year (Jun 2022 - Sep 2023) and which ultimately required a month on the surgical ward, with a tube down my nose, not able to consume any food or drinks (more on this in a moment), surgery to fix, and very nearly left me unable to ever "eat" again (I was literally days away from having to get all my nutrition [TPN, total parenteral nutrition] through a PICC line, i.e. something like a near-permanent IV that allowed nutrition and fluids to be pushed straight into my heart) for the rest of my life!

During that entire month on the surgical ward, there were like 3 days that I was allowed to eat a single cup of ice (not a typo, i.e. a single cup of small chunks of frozen water) and suck on 6 cough drops, over the course of the entire day, and those felt like they were f'ing feasts!
Most of that month, I was literally not allowed to eat or drink anything -at all- to include just sipping water! Trust me, you really do NOT want to experience this!!!!

I didn't get my PICC line (i.e peripherally inserted central catheter) until a few days before I was discharged, but once inserted for nutrition, they can be there for years (at the time I got mine, I heard that the record was a woman who had the same PICC line for 7 years before it was replaced). The one that I was given, well, I wouldn't have lasted years having to deal with it. Imagine NEVER again being able to eat anything at all, and instead having to get all your nutrition through a tube straight into your heart!

So, please know that just because it feels like things are moving through your system without problems, it does NOT mean (a) that they are actually moving through and (b) much more importantly, and even if they have moved all the way through, it doesn't mean that they aren't inflicting damage on you that will become horrifically painfully apparent later!!!

Please tell your CPN about this ASAP and don't swallow any more non-food items before that discussion!!!

 

[timetodie24]

Anything that your system can't digest, no matter how small or blunt, can cause problems.

In my case, very minor surgical scars (the original surgery was adjacent to my intestines, not in my intestines) from more than a decade prior (2008) were determined to be the cause of horrendous GI issues that I suffered for more than a year (Jun 2022 - Sep 2023) and which ultimately required a month on the surgical ward, with a tube down my nose, not able to consume any food or drinks (more on this in a moment), surgery to fix, and very nearly left me unable to ever "eat" again (I was literally days away from having to get all my nutrition [TPN, total parenteral nutrition] through a PICC line, i.e. something like a near-permanent IV that allowed nutrition and fluids to be pushed straight into my heart) for the rest of my life!

During that entire month on the surgical ward, there were like 3 days that I was allowed to eat a single cup of ice (not a typo, i.e. a single cup of small chunks of frozen water) and suck on 6 cough drops, over the course of the entire day, and those felt like they were f'ing feasts!
Most of that month, I was literally not allowed to eat or drink anything -at all- to include just sipping water! Trust me, you really do NOT want to experience this!!!!

I didn't get my PICC line (i.e peripherally inserted central catheter) until a few days before I was discharged, but once inserted for nutrition, they can be there for years (at the time I got mine, I heard that the record was a woman who had the same PICC line for 7 years before it was replaced). The one that I was given, well, I wouldn't have lasted years having to deal with it. Imagine NEVER again being able to eat anything at all, and instead having to get all your nutrition through a tube straight into your heart!

So, please know that just because it feels like things are moving through your system without problems, it does NOT mean (a) that they are actually moving through and (b) much more importantly, and even if they have moved all the way through, it doesn't mean that they aren't inflicting damage on you that will become horrifically painfully apparent later!!!

Please tell your CPN about this ASAP and don't swallow any more non-food items before that discussion!!!

I'm so sorry you went through that, sounds truly horrible hope you're doing ok now

Thank you for sharing this
I know the risks but swallowed another screw this afternoon. I had to . Will try to tell my cpn tomorrow though

 

[wren-briar]

I'm so sorry you went through that, sounds truly horrible hope you're doing ok now

Thank you. My GI issues continue, but at this point they're more of a constant nuisance, instead of nightmare that they were.

Thank you for sharing this

I'm a firm believer in learning lessons from others and that includes sharing what I've experienced so that others can learn from both my successes and my pain. (Ironically, I would have preferred to die from that GI issue, but I felt so much more compelled to document the harms that I suffered at the hands of supposed MH "providers" so that lessons can be learned from that so that maybe, just maybe, others aren't harmed in a similar way.)

I know the risks but swallowed another screw this afternoon. I had to .

Will try to tell my cpn tomorrow though