Venting Mentally overwhelmed and starting to give up on all hope

[Abditory]

I am genuinely fed up with myself. I know that I have assignments to get done, and the due dates are approaching, but I can't find motivation at all. It's like I'm paralyzed, despite knowing I really need to pass and have the grades to get into university. It's as if my motivation has completely disappeared, and all I want to do is rot in bed all day.

On top of that, more and more, I'm starting to lose myself and hope. Every day, I'm getting more irritated at the slightest things, and my mind is going completely crazy. I'm starting to notice patterns and understand my behavior, but even then, I can't stop or help it. I'm constantly finding a person to rely on when I need some sort of happiness, but the second I feel slightly rejected or think that they're acting different, I want to completely self-sabotage and ruin the friendship, disappearing from everyone's lives.

Lately, I've been so obsessed with the relationships I have with people, suddenly wanting to cut them all off because I'm starting to believe they're annoyed of me just because I think they're ignoring me or their tones are off. I even asked my parent for help for the first time, wanting to go to therapy, and they have decided that it's purely my phone's fault for the cause of my depression, anxiety, etc. I don't know why this made me feel 10x worse even though I expected that response. I know I'm declining further into this rabbit hole, but I can't seem to stop it or even want to. I want to get worse and do something drastic just for someone to see and get me this help because I'm not allowed to do it on my own yet. I truly do want to get better at times and figure out what's wrong with my brain, but at the same time, I want to completely give up and ctb.

 

[Argo]

This world has a tendency to make people feel unwanted, because most of the values of the world are superficial. And then people internalize it, and others around you sense it, and it all festers and becomes this massive feedback loop that gets worse and worse. If, like you say, you "truly want to get better", it would benefit you to understand this problem and see it in your life in real time.

Imagine trying to solve any problem. Anything you can think of. And now imagine there isn't much understanding or clear awareness of the problem itself, why it's happening, how it's happening, when it's happening. It would just be impossible to solve, wouldn't it?

 

[Abditory]

I appreciate your insight, and I can see how the world's superficial values can contribute to making people feel unwanted. It's sad how this can create a negative feedback loop. I get that understanding the root of a problem is crucial, which is why I'm really trying to convince my parent to allow therapy. But thank you for your words, it was a great example!! :-)