Help Mentally forced to ghost my brother? Thoughts?

[Life_and_Death]

im gonna start this off with i love my little brother. i was basically the one that raised him despite only being in middle school (junior high).

ive been trying to talk to him for a couple years now. check on him, try to be there for him to talk to if need be. things like that.
but seeing as hes the "wanted one" and gets treated like hes 18 despite only being 13....i just cant do it... its taking heavy mental wear on me and i...just dont think i can do it for 2 more years (why 2 yrs in case youre wondering, because then he'll be 16 (but you said hes 13, his bday is at the end of the month) meaning he can legally move out which means my mother is less likely to be a bitch and push things at the risk of losing him over me)

ive really tried. i keep my anger to myself (at my parents, not him. i dont do sibling rivalry and im not gonna blame him for his parents shitty parenting). well away from him, i vent to my exhus and bf because HOLY FUCK!!! (example, they murdered my chickens, blamed me at the age of 10. oh, and now he has his own that lay pretty blue eggs. YEAH IM FUCKING PISSED. and thats just one example) but i dont say anything to him. i either say "cool" and lie or just keep my mouth shut.

and it feels like hes constantly asking "are you mad at me??" (no im dealing with shit!!!!) so a week or so ago i went out of my way to explain to him "i cant see me ever being mad at you. i have no reason to be mad at you. but i promise that if im mad at you ill talk to you about it like an adult". well i decided to take the past week off from him related stress to deal with the stress of the 1st anniversary of the death of my cat (that meant the world to me). can you guess?? i have "are you mad at me?" messages waiting for me, that i left on unread, so hes not even aware ive read them.

am i wrong to "ghost" him until hes 16? idk what else to do...

 

[Hvergelmir]

I don't fully grasp your situation. I don't understand why the situation would be different when he's older, or what your mother has to do with it.

If you have to break contact, don't leave him guessing. Personally, I'd try to maintain reduced contact, blaming work or whatever.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I don't fully grasp your situation. I don't understand why the situation would be different when he's older, or what your mother has to do with it.

he can legally move out which means my mother is less likely to be a bitch

 

[Hvergelmir]

...and push things at the risk of losing him over me

The entire dynamic is confusing. But I'm not sure it's relevant.

I'm just picturing a 14 year old blindly guessing why parts of his closest family are turning their backs to him. Combined with all the other struggles one tend to go through at that age, it could have serious consequences.

You have no duty to check in on him, but I do think you have something of a duty to reply to his questions politely, and be helpful when you have wisdom to contribute. Especially if you plan on normalizing relation further down the line.

 

[Life_and_Death]

The entire dynamic is confusing. But I'm not sure it's relevant.

I'm just picturing a 14 year old blindly guessing why parts of his closest family are turning their backs to him. Combined with all the other struggles one tend to go through at that age, it could have serious consequences.

You have no duty to check in on him, but I do think you have something of a duty to reply to his questions politely, and be helpful when you have wisdom to contribute. Especially if you plan on normalizing relation further down the line.

you dont understand the situation, got it make me feel like its my fault, that was real helpful. thank you

 

[Hvergelmir]

you dont understand the situation, got it make me feel like its my fault, that was real helpful. thank you

You did ask if it's wrong to ghost a 14 year old sibling for two years. I do think that could be irreversible, and I don't think it's in either of your interests.

I grew up in a similarly unfair situation, and you have my sincere sympathies. Any harm or other offence was unintentional.
Please accept my apology, even if my stance on this particular subject may seem inappropriate.

Hopefully someone else comes along with more useful insights or perspectives.

 

[Life_and_Death]

even if my stance on this particular subject may seem inappropriate.

my problem with "your stance" is that its only going to make things worse. if i say anything chances are extremely good shes going to be a 2yo and call the cops, tell lies and get a restraining order against me. this, is not a better situation.

 

[lovedread]

i think u should take the space you need to, maybe just reiterate in a quick text that youre burnt out and emotionally overwhelmed by the family dynamic but you are not at all mad or blaming them for that. mention that you can talk about whats bothering you at a later date, when they are a bit older and you feel calmer/have access to resources that will help u handle ur emotions in a healthy manner.


i dont think u should ghost for that at all tbh. they sound like they have an anxious attachment style (perhaps bc of mom? bc u mention being expected to raise or upbringing) but try not to inadvertantly/unintentionally punish them for that. but pls dont ghost that wld probably be traumatizing since u mean a lot to them. you would look back and feel a little guilty later, which cld perpetuate a cycle of shame/lack of self worth. but still take the distance you need, just in a way that wont make them feel they did something wrong. its good u didnt already decide to just give up and ghost

 

[moshimoshi]

Lovedread worded it really well. I have a little brother who is the same exact age basically. I've never had him ask me this, but if he did (especially if he did it a lot) I would try to ask him why he thinks I hate him, and why he's always worried about if I do. Maybe sitting down and speculating what the root of the problem is could help. I don't think it's wrong if you need to step away for a while take care of yourself, and when you check in with him make sure to tell him you love him a lot. I'm sure you're an amazing big sister, good luck!

 

[Life_and_Death]

by the family dynamic

he doesnt know anything about the "family dynamic" and i cant tell him anything about it. saying anything would be a huge risk

...that its only going to make things worse. if i say anything chances are extremely good shes (my mother) going to be a 2yo and call the cops, tell lies and get a restraining order against me. this, is not a better situation.

theres precedent for this. out of the blue, for no other reason than my brother was born, she did this exact same thing to me. just randomly stopped letting me visit my grandfather, refused to tell me why, made up lies and called the cops on him.
(and then lied to me again, saying that hes dying and theyre trying to reconcile things. just to get pissed off when i started talking to him again. btw, i was moved out at this time)

they sound like they have an anxious attachment style

Maybe sitting down and speculating what the root of the problem is could help

i do question if he has bpd, because i do and i know my mother clearly has some problem or another (people dont act like her without a reason) and i know feeling like/assuming people hate you is a go to for bpd. and bpd can be hereditary.

but at the same time like you and @soulkitty mentioned, i have to take care of myself. if i keep myself in a stressful situation trying to "do the right thing" and be there for him, then its no longer going to be the right thing and im either going to undeservingly (towards him) going to blow up or tear myself down.

make sure to tell him you love him a lot.

i try my best to make sure he knows, i even told him that i say i had to grow an extra heart (for each brother. i have 2 but the other one is younger and doesnt know me as well) just to hold all of my love for them.

i went out of my way to explain to him "i cant see me ever being mad at you. i have no reason to be mad at you. but i promise that if im mad at you ill talk to you about it like an adult"

mention that you can talk about whats bothering you at a later date, when they are a bit older and you feel calmer/have access to resources that will help u handle ur emotions in a healthy manner.

i sadly have to do the same thing that my grandfather was forced to do with me, "ill tell you when youre older". (for me it was about who my real father was. they lied to me about that one literally my whole life. even when i blatantly asked them at about the age of 12 if i was adopted. let me see, blue eyes, blue eyes, blue eyes. and here i am sitting there with green eyes. how stupid do you take me for!!?)

I don't think it's wrong if you need to step away for a while take care of yourself

i think u should take the space you need to

thankfully (hopefully) i talked to him yesterday about the "spoon theory" and without really explaining why (i touched on my social anxiety but not anything severe (bpd/cptsd) or family related) i told him that i can only handle so much. so hopefully now i can take my needed emotional breaks (with minimal explanation. "sorry, i just ran out of spoons ") without being bombarded with "do you hate me?" (no, i hate your f'en parents!!), because obviously that doesnt help and only resets my stress levels. he said it makes sense, so we'll see i guess


@lovedread @soulkitty thank you for your support

 

[Mirrory Me]

"are you mad at me??"

"Why don't you reply to me?".