Venting Meeting a friend when in a weird mental state

[Fwompje]

Today I'm meeting my friend so we can plan our summer vacation. I'm not necessarily planning to be around for next summer so I have really mixed feelings. At the same time I might be alive for it because most days I'm of the opinion that I could last a few extra months to see what's going to happen. My life is being lead by a nylon thread which may snap at any time...

Anyways, the past few weeks I've struggled a lot with derealization, depersonalization, the world feels fake, I zone out a lot. I don't remember stuff, I miss days, forget to eat and do the things I want to do etc. Haven't been able to get out of bed much. I've only known this friend for a couple of months and didn't have any friends for years before that so nobody has ever seen me in such a weird headspace. I'm really scared she'd see it in my eyes and never want to talk to me again.

I just feel like I'm in a ballpit right now, like a little deer who has to learn how to walk. I'm doubtful whether I'm even save to drive there but I don't have another option.

Thanks for letting me vent, I really needed this off my chest...

 

[stoopid]

Drink a beer, be the way you are. Don't act, be real if she's okay while you're weird and is fine with that's better, because then she is genuinely going to like you. Ofc there is always a risk, but better take the risk because building a friendship with a fake persona is worse than have no friendship, state your feelings clear that you're not okay and that she gives you strength and motivation, but never mention suicide.

People like to be a "helper" and trusted but preventing someone from suicide is a load too heavy to bear for most people and they will most likely go and refer you to professionals. Speaking from first hand experience.

 

[Fwompje]

Drink a beer, be the way you are. Don't act, be real if she's okay while you're weird and is fine with that's better, because then she is genuinely going to like you. Ofc there is always a risk, but better take the risk because building a friendship with a fake persona is worse than have no friendship, state your feelings clear that you're not okay and that she gives you strength and motivation, but never mention suicide.

People like to be a "helper" and trusted but preventing someone from suicide is a load too heavy to bear for most people and they will most likely go and refer you to professionals. Speaking from first hand experience.

That's true, she knows that I struggle with mental health issues I'm just worried that I'll scare her off. Since I'm driving I might have to go with a coke though that would be so helpful.

I've told her before that I "felt suicidal in the past" because she was talking about her past feelings on suicide but I'd never tell her if I'm planning to attempt. If I succeed that would make her feel guilty (I think I know her well enough to think she'd internalize it).

Thanks for your response, I really hope it still works out. Otherwise I have no one left irl heh...