Venting Maybe I'm not actually supposed to be here

[Jupiturii]

I mean, have you ever felt that feeling before? Seeing peers, family members and others go way way further than you ever have and then they come back to you and tell you to follow their lead like it's easy?
I mean to some, I'm sure it's easy. I never had such ease with a lot of things, maybe it's the way I am or how everyone else views me. But it feels like again and again the world leaves me behind, like it's completely forgotten about me. My name isn't even really my own it's just someone else's. Honestly I try a lot of times to get up and do something but often it leads into things like... me getting SA'd or me getting domestically abused, or me being easily manipulated because I don't know how to say no to someone. Maybe it's just my hard knock life. Everyone tells me again and again to just keep trying and keep going.
I've been trying and going for 5 years, and it leads to trauma after trauma after trauma. At this point, I'm in a state where I can't even eat. If I do eat my family will get mad at me because what I ate was supposedly theirs. I thought about going into sex work, because I haven't been able to find work for 5 years and I just want money to feed myself. But I have people telling me too that, that's a bad idea and that it'll just get me killed.

I don't have anyone.
I have no friends close by.
My family tend to just look over me, if anything I'm just kind of like a pet to them. This room is just my cage. I can't expect help from them at all.
I have no one who can help me, and when I have tried to get help, they put me in the mental hospital or put me on medications that make me feel terrible.

I don't think there is a fix to my life, I waited for... more than 5 years... I waited for 8 years for a solution. A huge chunk of my life.

I think I should just ctb, it's strange
when you notice how people are a bit more free and a bit more happier in your absence. How you watch their facial expressions and mood change for the worst when they see you.
I think, my being here is kinda like an anomaly? You ever felt that?
I don't think I was actually supposed to be here, so I think I'll just ctb at some point
I'm not exactly the biggest fan of riding this out for longer just to get SA'd again or abused again or bullied again, shit I got SA like just last week
haven't told anyone, how am I supposed to
i put myself in that situation anyways

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your situation. It sounds as if you are in a very tricky position where you are (perhaps) needing and relying on other people to help you. It's probably my cynicism talking here but I'd say that's a risky chance to take. A lot of people are too preoccupied by their own lives to carry others. Others- sadly will seem to want to care and offer support but, will then take advantage of any vulnerability.

Truthfully, it troubles me you seem to be SA'd so often by guys. May I ask, how are you meeting these people? Are you hoping each one will be a serious boyfriend? Are you putting yourself in a lot of situations where you are vulnerable to this?

I suppose ultimately, it does have to come down to choice. Maybe you do want a promiscuous lifestyle- which is fine- if it's definitely your choice. If not though, I think you need to look closely at how you end up in these situations. Where to draw boundaries, so you don't endanger yourself in future.

I'd personally say that it would be safer to try to become independent, rather than hope some kind person will help or 'save' you. Do you work or study? Are you able to, do you think?

 

[Jupiturii]

I'm so sorry for your situation. It sounds as if you are in a very tricky position where you are (perhaps) needing and relying on other people to help you. It's probably my cynicism talking here but I'd say that's a risky chance to take. A lot of people are too preoccupied by their own lives to carry others. Others- sadly will seem to want to care and offer support but, will then take advantage of any vulnerability.

Truthfully, it troubles me you seem to be SA'd so often by guys. May I ask, how are you meeting these people? Are you hoping each one will be a serious boyfriend? Are you putting yourself in a lot of situations where you are vulnerable to this?

I suppose ultimately, it does have to come down to choice. Maybe you do want a promiscuous lifestyle- which is fine- if it's definitely your choice. If not though, I think you need to look closely at how you end up in these situations. Where to draw boundaries, so you don't endanger yourself in future.

I'd personally say that it would be safer to try to become independent, rather than hope some kind person will help or 'save' you. Do you work or study? Are you able to, do you think?

I don't know what kind of lifestyle I want, its just that I often find myself in promiscuous situations. I don't know why, maybe its because of my childhood, but I often go to chatrooms and hookup places knowing exactly whats going to happen but I can't stop myself. I know I don't want these things, but I go there, and talk to a guy and find myself unable to say no. I can't say no to myself nor to the people who take advantage of me. I try to say no, but they keep pushing and I end up doing it anyways, my "No" is just a delayed "yes" everytime.

I heard stories, how some would encounter a guy who they'd sleep with who'd give them tips, support, money whatever just to help them on their feet. I find myself wishing the same would happen for me.

I study now, barely was able to get into college after failing to for 3 years. But I don't know how student loans and grants and all that work... so I want a job so I can support myself in that way but I've been struggling in that too. Every opportunity seems to slip through my fingers even when I thought I got it.

I had given up a long time ago, but people around me keep telling me not to give up, so I'm just moving because people tell me too.
I don't know what I want to do other than to eat, and be happy.
It gives me reason to consider CBT everyday

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't know what kind of lifestyle I want, its just that I often find myself in promiscuous situations. I don't know why, maybe its because of my childhood, but I often go to chatrooms and hookup places knowing exactly whats going to happen but I can't stop myself. I know I don't want these things, but I go there, and talk to a guy and find myself unable to say no. I can't say no to myself nor to the people who take advantage of me. I try to say no, but they keep pushing and I end up doing it anyways, my "No" is just a delayed "yes" everytime.

I heard stories, how some would encounter a guy who they'd sleep with who'd give them tips, support, money whatever just to help them on their feet. I find myself wishing the same would happen for me.

I study now, barely was able to get into college after failing to for 3 years. But I don't know how student loans and grants and all that work... so I want a job so I can support myself in that way but I've been struggling in that too. Every opportunity seems to slip through my fingers even when I thought I got it.

I had given up a long time ago, but people around me keep telling me not to give up, so I'm just moving because people tell me too.
I don't know what I want to do other than to eat, and be happy.
It gives me reason to consider CBT everyday

Sorry to sound cruel but, if you know you can't say 'no' when you meet these guys, the obvious thing is not to meet them in the first place. But then, would that leave a big social gap in your life? I guess you need to judge whether their company is worth coercive sex.

I guess people do find 'sugar daddy's' or whatever. I suppose it's up to them ultimately but, I don't know how likely it is.

Student loans (in the UK at least) work by giving the person money while they study- obviously. They then have to be earning over a certain threshold before they have to start paying it back. Your college should have people there to explain it all though.

I can completely understand your worries about getting into debt though. Who wants that? A job sounds like a good idea- if you can juggle it. If only to experience the real world. It's pretty different to college- I found.

Don't beat yourself up for having trouble though. It's not easy to break into work. Especially if you have no experience. I must have applied to hundreds of jobs by now. It's probably more 'normal' to struggle.