I'm not used to writing things out like this so please bear with me. Also English isn't my mother tongue so tips on how to improve my writing are always welcome.
Here goes nothing..
Let me start of with a little introduction of myself. I'm a male in my mid 20s, I live in western Europe. I'm also a big fat nerd (figuratively and literally). Solving problems, mostly in IT but also in the form of puzzles, math problems,... makes me temporarily forget all the miseries of being alive. I'm also socially retarded/autistic/bipolar/?? (not officially diagnosed because I lack the funds). I often miscommunicate to people and also often misunderstand people. Which makes social interactions a negative experience for me. My default mode of interpreting what someone else says is to view it as an insult, mockery or belittlement. I've tried to fix this for years but that aspect of me is only getting worse. I've always felt like life is meaningless and that the world is so full of suffering that I would prefer to not live at al.
Now that you know a little more about who I am. I would like to share something with you. Something I've been thinking about a lot lately.
I don't know what it feels like to be excited anymore. The only change in emotional state I experience is the occasional spiral into a semi-panic. One hundred percent mental panic. Laying motionless in bed while your mind spins out of control kind of panic. Perhaps panic isn't the best word to describe it. Rather it's closer to an extreme sense of mixed dread/fear.
When I was younger I used to feel things. I've been madly in love. I cursed at myself when stubbing my toe or otherwise idiotically caused myself pain. Cried when my first relationship ended. All the little things.
But now I feel nothing.
Something's wrong. I'm still able to identify the sensations of pain, sadness, fear, contentment. But it feels more like I'm a machine observing the phenomenon instead of being the one to experience it.
It's like I'm not able to experience emotions/sensations at all anymore. Everything feels so "distant". Like trying to watch a movie on a phone screen, in the fog, through binoculars, at a distance of 100m. Or watching a bollywood actor (no offence) in a movie pretend like he burned his hand, instead of experiencing the pain yourself. This extends to physical pain as well.
The best way I can put it is that it feels like I'm an alien that is pupeteering the body of human. Or maybe like the movie "get out (2017)" but where I am the one who accidentally hypnotised myself instead of a 3rd party.
I copy what the other humans do. Say what I think they want to hear, how they want to hear it. When I'm alone, I solve logic problems.
In an attempt to feel something again I went to a VERY alternative festival this summer. My plan was to just go all out, do whatever I want while also pushing myself to engage with the festival and the people. Try to have fun. All without having to worry about what people think of me.
I spent 3 days dancing like I've never danced before. I made sure to absorb all the art installations and stages. Even at the camping ground I joined a group of +- 6 people. We sat together at a beautiful creek in the most perfect weather imaginable for a while. We chilled out and had some friendly conversation.
But during all that, I felt nothing. There is no difference between laying in bed, working at a desk, dancing my ass of in the middle of the night in the middle of the woods with a bunch of hippies,... It all feels exactly the same to me. I even took some psychedlics (shrooms) on the second day in an attempt to get into a different mindset. Nothing(apart from the visuals), no real change in the mind whatsoever.
I already have my SN. The only reason that I haven't used it yet is because of my dad. He's getting older and won't be able to take care of the house much longer. That plus my mother pesters my dad to the point where he developed a stutter and doesn't speak voluntarily anymore. That woman enjoys tormenting him, manipulated all his friends and family away from him. I think she is a narcissist with bipolar or something very close to that. She never worked a day in her life, wastes all the money she can get her hands on. All the while making everything my dad's fault.
Leaving him alone with that woman simply isn't an option. Especially since my grandfather got the same treatment from my grandmother. With the only difference being that he also got physically abused when he couldn't physically protect himself anymore. He "chose" to eat a bunch of razorblades to make it end. That must have been such an awful way to go. I fear that something very similar will happen to my dad, the second I leave. Leaving my dad to his fate simply isn't an option.
I realize that "dad" can sound childish but I want to emphasize that he isn't just a father... He is a Dad. He has always supported me every step of the way. Even in the most difficult circumstances, he was always there when I needed him.
The second that my dad is no longer with us, is the same second that my life also ends.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading my post. Even though I can't see that you've read it, know that it means a lot to me.
So why did I share this with you?
Honestly, I don't know. Maybe I wrote this for myself to summarize what's currently going on in my head. Maybe I just want to be heard? Maybe I want to hear someones' opinion? I don't know.
Please feel free to share your thoughts and/or opinions. Or if you have something that you want to share yourself, share it. I will read all of it.
Here goes nothing..
Let me start of with a little introduction of myself. I'm a male in my mid 20s, I live in western Europe. I'm also a big fat nerd (figuratively and literally). Solving problems, mostly in IT but also in the form of puzzles, math problems,... makes me temporarily forget all the miseries of being alive. I'm also socially retarded/autistic/bipolar/?? (not officially diagnosed because I lack the funds). I often miscommunicate to people and also often misunderstand people. Which makes social interactions a negative experience for me. My default mode of interpreting what someone else says is to view it as an insult, mockery or belittlement. I've tried to fix this for years but that aspect of me is only getting worse. I've always felt like life is meaningless and that the world is so full of suffering that I would prefer to not live at al.
Now that you know a little more about who I am. I would like to share something with you. Something I've been thinking about a lot lately.
I don't know what it feels like to be excited anymore. The only change in emotional state I experience is the occasional spiral into a semi-panic. One hundred percent mental panic. Laying motionless in bed while your mind spins out of control kind of panic. Perhaps panic isn't the best word to describe it. Rather it's closer to an extreme sense of mixed dread/fear.
When I was younger I used to feel things. I've been madly in love. I cursed at myself when stubbing my toe or otherwise idiotically caused myself pain. Cried when my first relationship ended. All the little things.
But now I feel nothing.
Something's wrong. I'm still able to identify the sensations of pain, sadness, fear, contentment. But it feels more like I'm a machine observing the phenomenon instead of being the one to experience it.
It's like I'm not able to experience emotions/sensations at all anymore. Everything feels so "distant". Like trying to watch a movie on a phone screen, in the fog, through binoculars, at a distance of 100m. Or watching a bollywood actor (no offence) in a movie pretend like he burned his hand, instead of experiencing the pain yourself. This extends to physical pain as well.
The best way I can put it is that it feels like I'm an alien that is pupeteering the body of human. Or maybe like the movie "get out (2017)" but where I am the one who accidentally hypnotised myself instead of a 3rd party.
I copy what the other humans do. Say what I think they want to hear, how they want to hear it. When I'm alone, I solve logic problems.
In an attempt to feel something again I went to a VERY alternative festival this summer. My plan was to just go all out, do whatever I want while also pushing myself to engage with the festival and the people. Try to have fun. All without having to worry about what people think of me.
I spent 3 days dancing like I've never danced before. I made sure to absorb all the art installations and stages. Even at the camping ground I joined a group of +- 6 people. We sat together at a beautiful creek in the most perfect weather imaginable for a while. We chilled out and had some friendly conversation.
But during all that, I felt nothing. There is no difference between laying in bed, working at a desk, dancing my ass of in the middle of the night in the middle of the woods with a bunch of hippies,... It all feels exactly the same to me. I even took some psychedlics (shrooms) on the second day in an attempt to get into a different mindset. Nothing(apart from the visuals), no real change in the mind whatsoever.
I already have my SN. The only reason that I haven't used it yet is because of my dad. He's getting older and won't be able to take care of the house much longer. That plus my mother pesters my dad to the point where he developed a stutter and doesn't speak voluntarily anymore. That woman enjoys tormenting him, manipulated all his friends and family away from him. I think she is a narcissist with bipolar or something very close to that. She never worked a day in her life, wastes all the money she can get her hands on. All the while making everything my dad's fault.
Leaving him alone with that woman simply isn't an option. Especially since my grandfather got the same treatment from my grandmother. With the only difference being that he also got physically abused when he couldn't physically protect himself anymore. He "chose" to eat a bunch of razorblades to make it end. That must have been such an awful way to go. I fear that something very similar will happen to my dad, the second I leave. Leaving my dad to his fate simply isn't an option.
I realize that "dad" can sound childish but I want to emphasize that he isn't just a father... He is a Dad. He has always supported me every step of the way. Even in the most difficult circumstances, he was always there when I needed him.
The second that my dad is no longer with us, is the same second that my life also ends.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading my post. Even though I can't see that you've read it, know that it means a lot to me.
So why did I share this with you?
Honestly, I don't know. Maybe I wrote this for myself to summarize what's currently going on in my head. Maybe I just want to be heard? Maybe I want to hear someones' opinion? I don't know.
Please feel free to share your thoughts and/or opinions. Or if you have something that you want to share yourself, share it. I will read all of it.
