I planned my departure for my 21st birthday which is coming up soon, but as it draws closer I find myself caring less about my wellbeing and relationships. I've started spending recklessly, ghosting friends, slacking off at work, gaining lots of weight, etc. I'm thinking of moving the date up.
I remember always being told I'm smart. I looked smart and acted smart: upholding the hidden expectations placed upon me. But I'm not smart. I've felt like a fool for a long while now. I cheated in school because I fell behind and didn't want people to know. When I was caught, I stayed silent to spite the teacher for catching me. When I was referred to the sweet guidance counselor, I stayed silent to spite those who referred me. When my parents took me to a therapist, I lied and said there was no reason for me to be there. As I'm writing this post, I am still resolute to not seek help. If only I had the courage to be smart. I feel like I'm going to explode, it's the same feeling I get from the subjects in dark documentaries while watching them. While I know I won't do the same as them, it's an unpleasant dread of myself.
I recently fell for a scam. I knew it was a scam, I had even messed with the scammer. I still fell for it, maybe I even wanted to. After I realized I had lost something that was fairly important to me, I came here to lurk. I don't think I fully processed it, because I don't remember caring much.
I made a todo list to prepare my family, but I've not even done the first item yet, and I don't really care enough to. I love my parents and I know they'll be devastated and yet I still don't care.
I purchased a firearm last year, and it brought with it solace that I had the freedom to go at any time I wish. My method is simple, a 9mm JHP. I originally planned to do it intraoral, but SI makes it hard to even dry fire it when my mouth is literally barrel stuffed. Testing against my parietal bone had much more success, I don't flinch, and my breathing and heartrate doesn't change. No reaction at all. As for the success rate, I doubt it'd be a meaningful difference. I could go with a full-auto to minimize risk but I feel that's overkill and would suck even more for whoever finds me. I would like to remain as intact as possible for my parents.
I saw a couple threads about catching the bus on Sunday. I might even grab a ticket and try as well.
That was probably the most I've written myself since high school when chatgpt didn't exist. I see why people vent now, it cleared up my mind a lot.
I remember always being told I'm smart. I looked smart and acted smart: upholding the hidden expectations placed upon me. But I'm not smart. I've felt like a fool for a long while now. I cheated in school because I fell behind and didn't want people to know. When I was caught, I stayed silent to spite the teacher for catching me. When I was referred to the sweet guidance counselor, I stayed silent to spite those who referred me. When my parents took me to a therapist, I lied and said there was no reason for me to be there. As I'm writing this post, I am still resolute to not seek help. If only I had the courage to be smart. I feel like I'm going to explode, it's the same feeling I get from the subjects in dark documentaries while watching them. While I know I won't do the same as them, it's an unpleasant dread of myself.
I recently fell for a scam. I knew it was a scam, I had even messed with the scammer. I still fell for it, maybe I even wanted to. After I realized I had lost something that was fairly important to me, I came here to lurk. I don't think I fully processed it, because I don't remember caring much.
I made a todo list to prepare my family, but I've not even done the first item yet, and I don't really care enough to. I love my parents and I know they'll be devastated and yet I still don't care.
I purchased a firearm last year, and it brought with it solace that I had the freedom to go at any time I wish. My method is simple, a 9mm JHP. I originally planned to do it intraoral, but SI makes it hard to even dry fire it when my mouth is literally barrel stuffed. Testing against my parietal bone had much more success, I don't flinch, and my breathing and heartrate doesn't change. No reaction at all. As for the success rate, I doubt it'd be a meaningful difference. I could go with a full-auto to minimize risk but I feel that's overkill and would suck even more for whoever finds me. I would like to remain as intact as possible for my parents.
I saw a couple threads about catching the bus on Sunday. I might even grab a ticket and try as well.
That was probably the most I've written myself since high school when chatgpt didn't exist. I see why people vent now, it cleared up my mind a lot.
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