hahahahhkjsk
Member
- Apr 17, 2026
- 15
hazy ramble about something ive thought about. im 19 so legally im an adult. im apparently mature enough to have picked what university im supposed to go to, mature enough to apply for a job, vote, have my own bank account, etc. the adult stuff.
yet i feel like bringing up any of this suicidal stuff to anyone around me makes them view me like some child throwing a tantrum. that its immature, irresponsible, dumb and childish to be thinking about such things.
but why? if ive thought it all out? if i spent all my life basically cycling back and forth between feeling ok and wanting to take the nearest exit from life? if i had ideations and fantasies about my death for longer than i did not and i have no idea what it would feel like to not want to die every day? im actually responsible when it comes to dealing with these thoughts because im still here after all and i haven't impulsively laid on the train tracks like i once almost did. if anything, i have plenty of reasons that i can justify with examples as to why i want to ctb. its not some childish, immature fantasy out of a temper tantrum. i understand why i want to do it, i understand why i feel like this, but i just can't seem to find a way out of it.
does this make sense? maybe not. im so tired that its a miracle i can wring a sentence out of myself.
yet i feel like bringing up any of this suicidal stuff to anyone around me makes them view me like some child throwing a tantrum. that its immature, irresponsible, dumb and childish to be thinking about such things.
but why? if ive thought it all out? if i spent all my life basically cycling back and forth between feeling ok and wanting to take the nearest exit from life? if i had ideations and fantasies about my death for longer than i did not and i have no idea what it would feel like to not want to die every day? im actually responsible when it comes to dealing with these thoughts because im still here after all and i haven't impulsively laid on the train tracks like i once almost did. if anything, i have plenty of reasons that i can justify with examples as to why i want to ctb. its not some childish, immature fantasy out of a temper tantrum. i understand why i want to do it, i understand why i feel like this, but i just can't seem to find a way out of it.
does this make sense? maybe not. im so tired that its a miracle i can wring a sentence out of myself.
