Discussion Maintaining relationships when you're afraid of them?

[like-spoiledmilk]

Hello!

This is a bad admission. I have an awful time making friends/connections and keeping them. People around me often express interest and invite me out, very frequently, but I never go.

I'm dreadfully afraid of relationships just as much as I desire them. The more I like a person, the more afraid I am. I know about attachment theory and the whole 'fearful-avoidant' thing, and I am aware of how hurtful this can be for other people. It's 90% of the reason I've intentionally kept everyone at a distance for four years now.

It also makes me feel less like a human. Connections to others - family, friends, partners - is what makes us, isn't it? At this rate, I know I'll die alone. I know I'll regret being a coward. However, trying *again* and hurting someone *again* when I disappear is worse.

Anyway, has anyone changed from being this way? Has anyone become better? I guess I just need the hope that this doesn't have to be forever.

 

[nocatwaslost]

I think this is something one can definitely change. I would suggest opening up to a person you trust and feel safe with and tell the person about your worries and anxiety. It helps to start with one person and then later extend to a wider circle, although it can take some time. But if you see that a relationship/friendship doesn't have to be as bad as you make it out to be in your head, you will see that it can be something very endearing and cheery

 

[badatparties]

I've long given up on that, so can't give advice there. Maybe in the next life or something.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

Its not a bad admission. It's an intimate confiding of something that causes you a lot of distress.

Can you explain what causes you fear?

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I would push back on the "Connections to others - family, friends, partners - is what makes us, isn't it?" - it's not true. What makes us us is our personality, character and actions.

I've had times when I've had more friends and less, but because of trauma I'm hesitant to have friends. I'm afraid of making friends and maintaining it; my goal is to get to a point where I get enough human contact at work and a relationship, and if I have my hobbies (like classes) get connect there. But what I want - deep, meaningful connection - is too hard. When I've had that, people walk away. Why put myself in the line of fire again?

 

[like-spoiledmilk]

Its not a bad admission. It's an intimate confiding of something that causes you a lot of distress.

Can you explain what causes you fear?

I apologize that this is such a late reply. Still, thank you for taking the time to ask.

Vulnerability. My parents were the emotionally volatile sort, and they both were in strings of abusive relationships. When things were at their worst, whatever partner of the week could do whatever they wanted. I felt betrayed, disappointed, and angry at myself for believing being good enough would make either of them choose me. I learned it was safer to be self-reliant.

Surface-level associates are easy for me because there aren't any expectations. When depth starts to feel required, I may want more, but I'm afraid that they'll hurt me, or that I'll hurt them. To my nervous system, we might as well be holding each other at gunpoint indefinitely.

I hope this wasn't too lengthy. I couldn't think of a more concise way to say it.

I would push back on the "Connections to others - family, friends, partners - is what makes us, isn't it?" - it's not true. What makes us us is our personality, character and actions.

I've had times when I've had more friends and less, but because of trauma I'm hesitant to have friends. I'm afraid of making friends and maintaining it; my goal is to get to a point where I get enough human contact at work and a relationship, and if I have my hobbies (like classes) get connect there. But what I want - deep, meaningful connection - is too hard. When I've had that, people walk away. Why put myself in the line of fire again?

You were very insightful. Thank you for giving me something to think about.

I hope this doesn't come off as overly argumentative, but I'm interested in your perspective. I see the self as a patchwork of prior connections, with more meaningful ones taking more space on the quilt, so to speak. We learn our performance of being from watching others. It's why solitary confinement is so detrimental. Humans require socialization to develop personality, build character, and shape decisions. When it's cut off entirely, it appears that we stagnate and begin to deteriorate.

Even the shallow relationships I have feel very precious to me for that reason. I still have blank holes where I wish I could develop from deeper conversations like this one. Thank you for having it with me. I respect that you're not the sort to take leaving lightly, and I hope your goals have gone well in the past few weeks.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I hope this doesn't come off as overly argumentative, but I'm interested in your perspective. I see the self as a patchwork of prior connections, with more meaningful ones taking more space on the quilt, so to speak. We learn our performance of being from watching others. It's why solitary confinement is so detrimental. Humans require socialization to develop personality, build character, and shape decisions. When it's cut off entirely, it appears that we stagnate and begin to deteriorate.

Even the shallow relationships I have feel very precious to me for that reason. I still have blank holes where I wish I could develop from deeper conversations like this one. Thank you for having it with me. I respect that you're not the sort to take leaving lightly, and I hope your goals have gone well in the past few weeks.

I think it's accurate that there's a core self and also all the parts of self from all the connections we have to others. The challenge is while we do require socialization when we're young and some level of it when older, this society does not make socialization easy for all of us. I have autism and life is hell because of the ableism. I crave deep conversations, but most of my acquaintances send me memes. On top of that work and partner drama has me hesitant to socialize with others. I still go out to meetups and hold out hope to find 'a' person who gets me, but also have real experience of pain, where I've been vulnerable with people in my life and their response has ranged from ghosting to physical violence.

I try to have hobbies and cafe interactions - where I still 'human' - but my heart is closed to more connection unless I am absolutely sure of safety. My most recent relationship involved abuse - someone literally attacking me while laughing at me while he kicked me over and over. My heart and soul remember that. It will be hard to forget that and the look in his eye of glee.