Help how to form new bonds when you're too autistic and traumatized to form bonds?

[Chuunibyou]

I'm realizing I need new friends. my current social circle has shrunk down pretty small and I feel more alone than I have in a long time.

I'm autistic. if you've read my previous posts you know I'm also pretty cold and detached from others. I don't experience empathy, and most of my social life (even at the best of times) is made up of me masking who I really am. I pretend to be normal but my real self isn't. I pretend to care about others but truthfully I don't. it's exhausting. I also have unusual interests and ethical values. I love death, self harm, cannibalism, everything gross or scary, but I'm a fairly radical leftist too.

I just want to find someone like-minded irl who I can unmask and be myself around. maybe that's too big of an ask, considering being myself would ideally involve me not pretending to care about someone's feelings more than I do lol. but I'm just so tired. I'm tired of acting all the time, and I'm tired of feeling alone.

how should I go about finding someone that fits my life? because of my autism I have poor social skills, and because of my trauma I'm terrified to the point of paralysis when I try and be "outgoing". just the other day I met someone I was interested in, and even after he flirted with me clearly trying to prompt me to ask for his number or something, I still couldn't. I didn't continue the conversation further and ended up autistically eloping. and that was someone I *wanted* to pursue! usually I don't even get that far.

I've tried dating apps, friendship apps, regularly attending hobby meet-ups, bars, clubs, etc. nothing has helped. all the friends and partners I've had (past and present) are people who pursued me first, and continued to pursue me despite my difficult nature. I need to figure out a way to be the one taking initiative, or I'm afraid I'll only become more alone.

any advice appreciated, even if it doesn't fit my exact situation. I hope I haven't rambled too much, and this still makes sense.

 

[Yuri440]

I love the last line, sounds like how I'd sign off on my messages with people haha

It's a hard thing. I'm autistic too, but I think I'm fortunate enough that I while I also struggle with empathy and relationships with people, I also don't feel lonely, so I've got that going for me.

Speaking from my experience, I don't really care for being outgoing to bars and such. I met my only friend I have at work, she's autistic too, and we have different interests but align really well with our personalities. It was completely by chance.

I've met a few other people that I personally don't consider 'friends' just because I don't really care to have more friends, but are also autistic and would've probably been up for friendships if I shared their interest in it. I met those through an autism group that I went to as part of my mental health team's referral. It was a learning autism thing as I'm only recently diagnosed, and they showed us a lot of other support groups and such around the area that cater to neurodiverse people. It might be worth having a gander online at anything local to you that's in your comfort area, and if you have anyone you can take with you like a safe person, take them with you. Most places that cater to this kind of thing are absolutely happy for you to bring someone, since it's a common thing to do.

When it comes to your interests, I think that's where you're going to struggle. Personally I wouldn't really mind too much if someone was into gross and scary things, depending on what you mean specifically with that. For the self harm, death, and cannibalism you're probably going to struggle and IN MY OPINION which you can absolutely take with a pinch of salt, I would ask before fully opening up with those if the other person is comfortable with you speaking about them either as an interest or talking about your struggle with them, just out of consideration of the other person and what they feel. Random fact, did you know yam yam in Turkish means cannibal? I can't ever stop referring to cannibals as yam yams because it makes me laugh haha

You're definitely going to struggle. Just remember that it'll likely take time to find someone who you're fully comfortable with both because you're wanting someone who will be comfortable with your interests and you have that trauma with you that's going to be a road block. Baby steps, and you can always ask for more help if you need it here <3

Editing this because my brain just actually had a thought. Shocking, I know. Make sure to learn to listen. I struggled with that a lot when talking to people I liked, to the point I would usually annoy and overwhelm them with my constant talking. People, including those who are autistic like us, love to feel like people are interested. Both my best friend and myself were noticeably happy when we realised the other one was actually listening and interested in listening to what we were saying. One of our first calls she talked to me about fish for 7 hours straight. Guess what her special interest is? Hahahaha

 

[softfur]

uuhhhhgh this is maybe the realest shit i've ever read. all the friends i think i've ever had reached out to me first. or i meet people through other people.

I also have unusual interests and ethical values.

this too. i see sometimes how bad it could be for me if people knew how i really think, and not because of some regressive or bigoted belief, just because i'm out-there and taboo. but i think a lot of your kind of people might exist in kink community. no idea if that's appropriate for you, it's not really for me, but the people i know who are the most open minded and weird, we found out we were on the same wavelength from talking about that kind of stuff.

that's all i got. i don't know how to really make friends. hopefully we'll all get lucky, the kind of creature we are

 

[Isolatedloner]

I'm autistic too. I'm detached too from others and often cold. It's why I made this my name here. I'm radically left too but…. Yeah I look at morbid stuff. Let's talk?

 

[voc_89]

One of us. Had to reasearch the comment deeply before I commented. U have it worse than the socially anxious (which I fit in). I feel for u. The only advice I can give is to allow things to play out. Especially if u want realtionships with indivuals u perceive as 'normies'. Till u can do that u will forever do your 'protections'

 

[troubled_puppet]

Sorry for the wall of text!!!

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General purpose socializing scripts i've learned since 2025:

1. How to listen: when someone is done telling me stuff about them: "So what i'm hearing is..." and i paraphrase the gist of what i hear
2. Forgetting what to say: i wait my turn when talking, its very hard and i just accept i'll always forget to say things. when i'm done paraphrasing, if i still want to interject, i say: "You told me x. This reminds me a lot of (X) and (Y), and that's because...." and if i feel like i lost somebody, i said, "that's all I wanted to share, I hope that makes sense."
3. Questions: I'm learning that some people like a few small/easy earnest questions, but im still shy about knowing what kinds of questions to ask.
4. Specificity: "Thank you for your time today," and "thank you for chatting with me," and "I appreciate you reaching out," are all things i've started saying recently. specifying what you're thankful for when someone else does something with you or for you helps them feel seen.
5. Getting Answers: "Does (X) mean you're busy next week?" usually gets more clarification than when I ask, "Is there anything else?" Sometimes people like to correct you, and when I feel that's the case with someone, I lean into that. The trick is to let someone feel helpful. "Okay, I understand better now" or "Thank you for being patient with me."
6. Clarifying misunderstandings: "I was told (X) at (time)..." or "I was under the impression that..." is much better recieved than "you told me" or "I was promised."
7. Apology example: "(Thing that I did) hurt your feelings. That wasn't right, and I'm sorry" is what most people want to hear.
8. Small Talk: Nobody actually likes talking about the weather. They like talking about how the weather makes them feel, or how the weather was different last year, what it reminds them of, etc. I don't typically care, but i tend to think small talk for neurtypical people is like a comfort stim.

(I alter these talk points as needed when i go outside.)

Idk how important that was, i felt it was helpful in general for people browsing here. this won't solve all your problems and maybe you already knew some of this. but i hope it was ok to share.

EXPLANATION: My guess is that lots of people, neurotypical and neurodivergent people who mask, they all learned growing up to read between the lines, and will try to guess even if there's literally nothing between the lines.

they were also taught to play along, not clarify or ask or be direct. being direct breaks immersion from the social script, they assume you know and dont like to believe you don't. or claryifing / being direct feels like it's confrontational and that they're correcting you, and some people don't like doing that.

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how i feel about social skills: i personally gave up on trying to "improve" my social skills or "get better with" my social anxiety. the hard truth i had to accept was that i grew up with an undiagnosed neurodevelopmental disorder that deeply affects how i understand and relate to people. even you and me, the way we express autism could be different, and that's okay.

im learning to shift this mindset so i stop worrying about how i could have done better, or how different my life would have been if i was "just better at social skills."

it's just. how i talk, how i think, how i care about others, how i interact with other's info that they share with me, all of it is just different from neurotypical people. im sick and tired of putting on what feels like a figurative costume to appeal better to neurotypical people. i don't understand how they do it every day, i don't understand why they seek it out.

i do what i can just to get by. i relate to you've said here a lot in terms of trying to reach out to people. people keep telling me it gets easier the more i go out. for me, it doesnt, it hasn't, and it won't be, not for me, and i dunno why people keep telling me this. accepting that it won't magically become easier was the only reason why i could push myself to go outside at all.

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Spoiler: tl;dr, just some ramblings. no tw, just too long.

I'm recently diagnosed autistic, too. All through my twenties, all i remember talking about is how hard it was to maintain and foster connections. I have my limited immediate family that talks to me, and that's all i have

im more on the blue side of the political spectrum, i relate with that aspect a lot.

the peers i corresponded with in my twenties, they dont talk to me anymore. sometimes i worry if it was my fault, or if im just too self centered or needy. sometimes it feels like nobody wanted to put up with me. i think im opposite to you in the sense that i care way too much, and i overthink everything.

I relate to you a lot in the sense that I hide who I really am on the inside. i'm very afraid and shy to share who i am, how i feel, what i'm interested in, what I believe in. it's really hard. reading your post helped inspire me a lot, you're brave to open up and talk about your interests.

i can't say i relate to morbid things, those specifics aren't quite my cup of tea. my personal stuff feels so mundane in comarison, i feel embarassed to share. i hope others arrive with more specific insights soon, too. you deserve earnest connection, and that's really hard to comeby these days.

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take care.

 

[byec560]

I just pretend tbh. I put on a very energetic performance even though I've kind of stopped feeling real connections with people. If you ever think you aren't important to someone, pretend you don't realize it. Treat off comments and slights as though they're not personal, even when they obviously are. I also give a lot of compliments. Sometimes I put up token resistance and then pretend that people have won me over, giving them smug satisfaction (mostly with my parents). And remember: happy happy happy. You can make off color comments, and I encourage you to talk about problems in your life but generally don't act like they bother you too much unless the other person started trauma dumping first. You can have one or a few emotional outbursts maybe, but over time you'll realize that people have begun to treat you differently if you're visibly upset too many times. The golden rule is that if you think somebody is treating you differently after something traumatic, it's because they are. If you have a friend, try to meet their friends, and then try to be friends with those friends, try to meet the friends of those friends. Can't win them all and you'll probably fail with like 30-50 percent of people. Rinse repeat. Rinse repeat.

In terms of interests, you're now interested in everything. You should have things you like more or less, and have things you dislike (by which I mean "I like this show but don't like this show" or "I like this political party and hate this one" you should still be interested in all activities). However, you should feign INTEREST in everything. Everything is a target for your all-consuming intellectual curiosity. Everything is now at least slightly neat to you. If somebody asks you to do something, the answer is yes. Actually, that specific thing they asked you to do is basically the coolest thing in the world. On the other hand, don't be obsessed with anything. If someone is obviously not enthused with a topic, switch as soon as possible. Do your best to not show any sign of being upset or sad at any part of it. Sometimes this might not be feasible and the facade takes a lot of practice but give it a year or two.

Edit: I forgot to mention, it's okay to be a bit weird but try not to be too weird. The goal is to be seen as quirky and interesting but not freaky. I would probably keep the cannibalism stuff to yourself. It's okay to laugh at dark humor involving cannibals (NTs love "dark humor") but generally try not to bring it up too often and don't be too sincere about it. Once in a while is probably fine, you'll just be thought of as a little strange which is not a dealbreaker by any means.

Sorry for the long post, hopefully it was helpful in some way.