Venting made my decision.

[letmegetwhatiwant]

i don't think there was a single phase in my life that i wasn't depressed. sure i could feel happiness but i was never happy.

as you can see by my old posts here, i also always felt suicidal.

but life seemed to get better... and it did, for a while.
for quite a while, actually.
i felt like i healed from the wounds my family left on me, i traveled to see my long-distance partner with some quite nice frequency, i loved my career, i apologized for my mistakes, went to concerts, traveled just for the fun, i laughed, i looked forward to tomorrow. i felt like i had a purpose, like there was some shining light in the end of the tunnel and it was SO beautiful to live with so much hope.

it all got fucked up again by the end of last year when i was psychologically abused at a job i fought really hard to get.
long story short, a higher-rank employee asked me directly to be on watch and report any disobedience. i followed the rules by the book, a teenager disobeying such rules got offended and made a denounce for "authority abuse" — i asked nicely and politely for it to be followed, several people testified on my side saying i didn't do anything bad. i ended up alone in a room, two times, with my two bosses, saying i am an aggressive person. aggressive, bad, "maybe too strong-willed", that i needed to calm down, that maybe that wasn't a career for me, that my personality was a problem.
and i sat there, just listening to how bad of a person i am and that "it isn't your fault, but we'll fire you". i cried so hard they asked me to "call them if i had any bad thoughts".

i think they saw the mess they made and called me back two days later, i accepted the job back because i needed the money. i was put on "hold" for "psychiatric issues" (their words) and was sent to a minor project, but the damage was done already.

i know i haven't been the same since.

this hope i had vanished completely. i was immediately sent back into old habits: i scratched my face until it was so hurt that i went weeks looking like i had a black eye, i slashed my thighs so bad i couldn't walk properly, i lived like a zombie. and even when i felt some happiness, it was quickly crushed by disappointment.

2026, i got my full old job back and they keep shitting on me, i find new ways to hurt myself in a way nobody would care, my long-term relationship starts to break, my beloved cats died of old age, i ended up in debt. not badly, but stressful enough. it all made me feel like i had nothing holding me anymore. i lost roughly 15kg, dropping into the underweight level of bmi. i started doing drugs i could buy from pharmacies, which helped live normally since i'm always on amphetamines. i graduated college, i have a crushed career, my job contract ended and now i'm not even a student anymore, just unemployed.
people know i'm depressed but i don't think people can tell i'm suicidal — or at least they don't worry or care enough to say something. sometimes i hope someone will notice and save me, but most of the time i can't feel anything, it all feels empty and i lost all the reasons i had to keep on fighting. i feel like a shell of what i used or could be. and it's funny to feel nothing because it feels like i always knew how it'd end.

i don't remember exactly when i bought my SN but it has been waiting for me.

i tested it with blood and will probably not buy the aquarium nitrite tests, if i die i die and if not, well, we'll try again later.
i followed an image posted here and already got antiemetics and some alprazolam. i'm already used to vomit and vomit while high on xanax so it'll be fine.
i haven't set a date yet but i know i'll live at least until mid-august so i can do the college stuff and give my mom some memories before i go. i want my family to have nice pictures to remember. maybe i'll wait until September, so i can do some dumb stuff and tell everyone i love them. i want them all to have the hope and happiness i didn't have.
i won't leave a letter. and i don't think i'll write here again since i just wanted to put all this shit out of my chest.

i know that we all feel like suicide will always be the end, but i wish y'all to heal and find happiness. life wasn't for me, but maybe it can really get better for someone out there :)

 

[whywere]

My heart breaks for you and also your story brings bad REALLY bad memories to me about how I had to try and navigate office politics.

The bringing back old memories are NOT to make you feel bad at all, BUT that we are brothers and sister here in such matters.

I have quit more than one part-time position because of hostile and mind game issues with fellow employees.

I remember one time where a lady that 40 years was my junior openly harass me and even one time was walking by, grabbed the cord to my headset and pulled it, the headset flew off my head, hit the computer screen in front of me and came back and wacked me in the face. She did not get any repercussions of it, so I walked out on the spot. It was a part-time position, but I really liked it. Management or lack of, always had a rapid turnover and horrible revies about the service provided because no one was at the helm.

Having been through crap like this, I wrap my arms around you and give you a huge hug and start looking hard at other positions and get the HELL out of there, nothing will change ever.

Hugs and I am with you in spirit always, as we are ALL together in this.

Walter

 

[letmegetwhatiwant]

My heart breaks for you and also your story brings bad REALLY bad memories to me about how I had to try and navigate office politics.

The bringing back old memories are NOT to make you feel bad at all, BUT that we are brothers and sister here in such matters.

I have quit more than one part-time position because of hostile and mind game issues with fellow employees.

I remember one time where a lady that 40 years was my junior openly harass me and even one time was walking by, grabbed the cord to my headset and pulled it, the headset flew off my head, hit the computer screen in front of me and came back and wacked me in the face. She did not get any repercussions of it, so I walked out on the spot. It was a part-time position, but I really liked it. Management or lack of, always had a rapid turnover and horrible revies about the service provided because no one was at the helm.

Having been through crap like this, I wrap my arms around you and give you a huge hug and start looking hard at other positions and get the HELL out of there, nothing will change ever.

Hugs and I am with you in spirit always, as we are ALL together in this.

Walter

i'm so sorry this world is so mean to us.
it's not fear people hurt us just for because they can while we're just WORKING.

thank you so much for your words, friend. i'm hugging you tight from here! lots of hugs. we're in this together for sure. you'll be in my thoughts, wishing you the best :)