Discussion Lying to parents about CTB, or not?

[montanatype]

I've always thought about this a lot. Honestly, I have no interest in leaving a note or telling anyone, but with my mother it's pretty unique. Since she's schizophrenic and I'm her only child, I have a half-finished suicide note in which I dedicate a few words to her and explain how to take SN

Another option is simply to program the note and then send it saying that I've gone on a trip with "someone" (I need to elaborate a bit on this), and that I'm never coming back, that she shouldn't worry about me, etc., etc., etc.

Honestly, it's impossible for me to go on living like this anymore. I'm noticing it in the desperate and impulsive decisions I'm making, and I'll probably never change. So, the best thing is to calm things down because I already know where things are going, and I want it that way.

I'm almost at the point of not having the slightest fucking interest in continuing to live, if I don't already have it.

22 years of suffering is too much for a human, no matter how much I "cope" with """depression""" and every other damn thing that comes up, it's enough.

Things are unstable; I don't know what I could do in a couple of months, lose touch with reality... Enough is enough.


I wanted to do things my way, like a man, my whole life, and obviously, it didn't work, but it was clear it wasn't going to work; there was never a chance.

Is this selfish of me? I could go and shoot him right now and end his misery, then shoot myself, but that would mean throwing away any semblance of a "future," and even then, something was bound to go wrong. Surely, as always




I have nothing more to say.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I'm noticing it in the desperate and impulsive decisions I'm making, and I'll probably never change.

For the impulsive decisions, various things can help, from writing items down, deep breaths, etc. (not sure what to say about schizophrenia's influence on decision making, coz idk how much medication helps, etc)

Another option is simply to program the note and then send it saying that I've gone on a trip with "someone" (I need to elaborate a bit on this), and that I'm never coming back, that she shouldn't worry about me, etc., etc., etc.

Becoming a "missing person" for a lifetime might be worse for her, because she might keep wondering when you'd return.

I have a half-finished suicide note in which I dedicate a few words to her and explain how to take SN

As for the explanation of SN, it's probably better to describe the process in 1st person, eg "I took X after waiting Y hours", instead of presenting it like a tutorial. That way, it shares the choice of CTB with her without coming across as too authoritative.

Is this selfish of me? I could go and shoot him right now and end his misery, then shoot myself, but that would mean throwing away any semblance of a "future," and even then, something was bound to go wrong. Surely, as always

Both CTB and CTB with extra unalivings, would get rid of a future (eg: if u feel like a future is possible, it's alright to try something different for self improvement)... and yes, CTB + unalivings do increase the risk of things going wrong.