Venting Love will not fix you

[czarbeau]

I should preface that this is just my very limited and probably narrow minded experience. I'll start with some background and how it relates to recently.

Around january/february this year my ex girlfriend broke up with me and got with another guy. breaking up was bad enough and it didnt necessarily warrant any thoughts to ctb but upon finding out shed gotten with a guy i went over the deep edge and got onto here looking for a way out. for the record, i met her around 2 years ago in may 2024. we were together for about half a year before breaking up the first time, and then together for another 4 or so months before this breakup. her and i suffer from (what i suspect) to be some serious attachment disorders which left her needing alone time for weeks on end where she was incredibly distant. but, when she did love me, it was great; i ate it up given my attachment style and never had the self respect to try and leave. she was (and if i am going to be honest, is) the most beautiful girl and she was the only human being to understand me and love me. she is literally the only person ive ever loved (apologies for the hollywood bullshit.)

naturally, i looked for a one-size-fits-all suicide method which was quick and painless. since i have no access to firearms or any advanced means, i pussied out and didnt do anything. a couple months go by and a dreadful job and a miserable family really did tempt me to drive off a bridge every day i would drive home, but i stayed alive for my childhood dog, max. in march, he passed away infront of my parents to a ruptured spleen. i came home to an empty bed covered in blood.

on account of how lonely i was i texted a girl i knew from school a while back. she wasnt pretty nor smart or really even funny but i conceded on meeting her. tw: mention of SA. i wont bore you with the details, she raped me in the frontseat of my car about 2 weeks later.

i had absolutely nobody. parents stopped paying for therapy so i rotted in my room for days on end and lost about 15 pounds. i am already lightweight and a heavy drinker so im suprised that alone didnt kill me. i dealt with that pain using drugs, alcohol, and weed for about 2 months before my ex reached out.

she told me that she wanted to see how i was doing and talked about her relationship. the boy she was with was a highschool dropout, incredibly abusive and just a disgusting piece of work. after a couple days of talking i encouraged her to break up with him. the tension pulled through and we ended up getting bath together (for the third time) back in may. again, wont bore you with the details. she broke up with me a couple hours ago. this time she blamed herself, saying that she was selfish for having reached out knowing full well that i would relish the attention and fall in love again. i forgave her and that was the end of it. now she wants to be friends, with the clause that both of us will stay single so she can be with me when shes ready.

i am not asking for relationship advice. i know full well that what im doing and what ive done is pathetic. i just want anyone who is wondering to know that no, love, no matter how real it feels to you, is more than capable of biting you in the ass. i think ill probably commit sometime this year depending on how the near future goes with her. in my experience, love wont save you. it will leave you in a worse state than before, maybe give you a good high for a while before reality drags you back down to remind you that people like me will just always be alone.


ps. i havent been to this site in a while. im sorry of this post is misplaced or against the rules. i do not intend to contribute to anybodies urges.

take care

 

[lastappleonearth]

I should preface that this is just my very limited and probably narrow minded experience. I'll start with some background and how it relates to recently.

Around january/february this year my ex girlfriend broke up with me and got with another guy. breaking up was bad enough and it didnt necessarily warrant any thoughts to ctb but upon finding out shed gotten with a guy i went over the deep edge and got onto here looking for a way out. for the record, i met her around 2 years ago in may 2024. we were together for about half a year before breaking up the first time, and then together for another 4 or so months before this breakup. her and i suffer from (what i suspect) to be some serious attachment disorders which left her needing alone time for weeks on end where she was incredibly distant. but, when she did love me, it was great; i ate it up given my attachment style and never had the self respect to try and leave. she was (and if i am going to be honest, is) the most beautiful girl and she was the only human being to understand me and love me. she is literally the only person ive ever loved (apologies for the hollywood bullshit.)

naturally, i looked for a one-size-fits-all suicide method which was quick and painless. since i have no access to firearms or any advanced means, i pussied out and didnt do anything. a couple months go by and a dreadful job and a miserable family really did tempt me to drive off a bridge every day i would drive home, but i stayed alive for my childhood dog, max. in march, he passed away infront of my parents to a ruptured spleen. i came home to an empty bed covered in blood.

on account of how lonely i was i texted a girl i knew from school a while back. she wasnt pretty nor smart or really even funny but i conceded on meeting her. tw: mention of SA. i wont bore you with the details, she raped me in the frontseat of my car about 2 weeks later.

i had absolutely nobody. parents stopped paying for therapy so i rotted in my room for days on end and lost about 15 pounds. i am already lightweight and a heavy drinker so im suprised that alone didnt kill me. i dealt with that pain using drugs, alcohol, and weed for about 2 months before my ex reached out.

she told me that she wanted to see how i was doing and talked about her relationship. the boy she was with was a highschool dropout, incredibly abusive and just a disgusting piece of work. after a couple days of talking i encouraged her to break up with him. the tension pulled through and we ended up getting bath together (for the third time) back in may. again, wont bore you with the details. she broke up with me a couple hours ago. this time she blamed herself, saying that she was selfish for having reached out knowing full well that i would relish the attention and fall in love again. i forgave her and that was the end of it. now she wants to be friends, with the clause that both of us will stay single so she can be with me when shes ready.

i am not asking for relationship advice. i know full well that what im doing and what ive done is pathetic. i just want anyone who is wondering to know that no, love, no matter how real it feels to you, is more than capable of biting you in the ass. i think ill probably commit sometime this year depending on how the near future goes with her. in my experience, love wont save you. it will leave you in a worse state than before, maybe give you a good high for a while before reality drags you back down to remind you that people like me will just always be alone.


ps. i havent been to this site in a while. im sorry of this post is misplaced or against the rules. i do not intend to contribute to anybodies urges.

take care

I'm so sorry bro, this is a combination of probably the most horrific events one can experience in a relatively short period of time. I don't have that much to say, but I have unfortunately also had the displeasure of falling in love with someone who is highly avoidant. It's insane tbh, at first it's almost overwhelming and they are really warm, caring etc, and then suddenly nothing but distance. It's heartbreaking and I just don't get it, if someone knows that they have these issues, then why put someone else through this, it's unfair, especially if they're not upfront abt it.
It might sound delusional rn, but I really hope things get better for you and that you'll be around to experience them getting better. Wish you all the best