Love hurts, am I crazy?

[AS.star]

Loving is hurtful for a person like me.
I'm (turned out) autistic and it's really hard for me.
I'm writing this high on meds I'm sorry if it's poorly written.

I have a boyfriend, I love him so much that it hurts me.
We're together online, I get to see him once a month cause of my abusive mother
(she doesn't care I'm an adult, as long as I live under her roof i have to obey + I'm still studying at school 8-9 hours a day so I don't have time to work and move out)

I'm very sensitive about loudness and my routine and plans changing.
One of my favourite part of daily routine is talking with my boyfriend, but whenever he's not available or he goes somewhere for the weekend I'm a complete mess.
I cry, I have a meltdown and I can't get out of bed.
He always tells me he will text me, but barely does cause of lack of time (he doesn't mean bad, he just always assumes he will have time to text me, but never does, he lets me know he's alive and okay once per 4 hours)
and I'm alone, without the most important part of my routine, my boyfriend - the only person I talk to and with my depression and intrusive thoughts in my abusive household.
I always worry about him getting hurt obsessively when he doesn't let me know he's going outside with friends and stood reponding for hours randomly.
I miss him so fucking much I want to cut my throat open.

And don't get me wrong, he's the loveliest person alive and I'm so lucky to have him, but loving hurts me.
How can I be happy if I worry 24/7 and every time he's not at home I'm tweaking with my own thoughts...
When I was alone I didn't worry about anyone, I had no one to worry about except my doggy, who always layed with me.
I felt nothing and still wanted to die, but when I look bad feeling nothing is not that bad for me...
feeling absolute horror and anxiety is worse.

I don't know how to explain it to my psychiatrist, I'm not doing good, I started taking dozens of opioids again to make myself less stressed and less "aware".
I just want to die, why do even love hurts me so much.
Can someone relate to my experiences?
Is it purely cause of autism? Should I seek another diagnosis? Am I going crazy?
I wanted to add that every time he's gone I can't enjoy anything

I'm an artist and even drawing doesn't help, I just want him back :((
When he return and he has to go tomorrow again I can't relax while taking to him, cause I know he's gonna be away again tommorow and we won't talk again it's killing me what is wrong with me
I know it's not his fault, I never blame him
can I be helped? I'm so fucking tired of being insane

 

[Thisiscertainlyause]

that's rough, you're not alone, when I was with my partner, especially at the start I was much the same, every second away felt like hours and it always hurt like hell. I don't really have good advice for it :(. my only suggestion is even if you don't know how to explain it to your psychiatrist, just tell them how it makes you feel when you aren't able to be around your bf, they might be able to help you work through your thought process even without a good explanation. I Hope you can find a way to deal with those emotions, and sorry to hear about the abusive mother, only being able to visit your partner once a month sucks. wishing you the best and hope that your situation gets better!!

 

[AS.star]

that's rough, you're not alone, when I was with my partner, especially at the start I was much the same, every second away felt like hours and it always hurt like hell. I don't really have good advice for it :(. my only suggestion is even if you don't know how to explain it to your psychiatrist, just tell them how it makes you feel when you aren't able to be around your bf, they might be able to help you work through your thought process even without a good explanation. I Hope you can find a way to deal with those emotions, and sorry to hear about the abusive mother, only being able to visit your partner once a month sucks. wishing you the best and hope that your situation gets better!!

Thank you for your kind words :3