notevenhere
Ghost Angel
- Apr 27, 2023
- 46
I'm sorry for venting again, I just don't want to burden my online friends about this. I've been complaining for so long, now: I should really just find a way to order the SN online and die. I don't care if I can't find antienemics or benzos, I will power through keeping the SN inside me if I have to. I'm not looking for peace anymore when I die, I don't care of it's a peaceful death or not. What's important is my suffering to stop. I feel hopeless. Anytime a problem comes my way, there's no way for me to solve it.
I only have one thing keeping me alive and that's my PC. If this thing breaks, I literally will have nothing to live for. My parents didn't pay for this, I worked hard back in 2019 to get the money to achieve this. Now, I'm just begging for money online but I used to do sex work to survive from day to day. I'm never leaving my room and my room isn't even nice, it's the size of a closet. This life is miserable. I don't do anything with myself, I can't find myself to ever get better. The only man who I know cares about me said this isn't mental illness anymore, it's my decision of never getting better and he's right. it's so ridiculous for me to think he cares or loves me enough to commit to me in a relationship. He doesn't. he won't because he knows i can kill myself at any time and he'd feel responsible for it. everything i do was literally for the possibility of us marrying in the future and having a life worth living with him. but he and i already dated and it didn't work out, he already took my virginity so I won't die a virgin (thank god) I've already known what it's like to be loved by him, he'll kill himself in two years because he doesn't want to reach 30. my grandma who's the only family I have that doesn't despise or abuse me is getting older. My health is worsening. Just today, my mouse was having issues and it's enough to trigger me into thinking of already purchasing SN online. I'm sick of this. I can't handle how ugly I am anymore. I want to die while I still can. it's the only control I have over.
Please encourage me. I need the strength.
I only have one thing keeping me alive and that's my PC. If this thing breaks, I literally will have nothing to live for. My parents didn't pay for this, I worked hard back in 2019 to get the money to achieve this. Now, I'm just begging for money online but I used to do sex work to survive from day to day. I'm never leaving my room and my room isn't even nice, it's the size of a closet. This life is miserable. I don't do anything with myself, I can't find myself to ever get better. The only man who I know cares about me said this isn't mental illness anymore, it's my decision of never getting better and he's right. it's so ridiculous for me to think he cares or loves me enough to commit to me in a relationship. He doesn't. he won't because he knows i can kill myself at any time and he'd feel responsible for it. everything i do was literally for the possibility of us marrying in the future and having a life worth living with him. but he and i already dated and it didn't work out, he already took my virginity so I won't die a virgin (thank god) I've already known what it's like to be loved by him, he'll kill himself in two years because he doesn't want to reach 30. my grandma who's the only family I have that doesn't despise or abuse me is getting older. My health is worsening. Just today, my mouse was having issues and it's enough to trigger me into thinking of already purchasing SN online. I'm sick of this. I can't handle how ugly I am anymore. I want to die while I still can. it's the only control I have over.
Please encourage me. I need the strength.
