vivia
(ā āæā ^ā āæā ^ā )
- May 13, 2025
- 105
i don't even know what to do anymore. starting fresh in college sounds great, but starting from scratch is just so damn exhausting. even though this was exactly what i'd been dying for. i really wanted to wipe the slate clean and start over as a totally new person. but the second i actually got here, all that fear and paranoia came rushing back. am i gonna fuck it all up again like i used to? even when i'm literally doing nothing, my head is already a total mess
i just don't have the drive to get through the day anymore. my friends have all moved on and gotten a life somewhere else. and then there's me, left behind, supposed to be doing the exact same thing, but everything just feels so numb and hollow. i don't know if i'm supposed to turn myself into some basic normie just to fit in with a society whose lifestyle i absolutely despise, clueless people who don't know shit about basic tech and have zero passion, or if i should just accept who i am right now and drag all this baggage with me. i'm just so drained. i literally don't know what i'm doing. i should've been dead already, way before all this even started. i should be dead, but i'm still stuck here, second-guessing my own damn choices. i don't even know if i should be regretting it or grateful that i botched the attempt, but one thing's for sure, i'm completely lost on what to do next. i don't know a single soul here. i just show up to class, listen to the professor yap, and head straight home. plus, i get the feeling that most people aren't gonna vibe with me anyway, and the feeling is totally mutual. i kinda wanna join some campus org or committee, but i just don't have it in me. i'm way too lazy and awkward. i'm just stuck on this endless loop. is it just gonna be like this forever?
honestly, i don't even have a reason to hate on people anymore. the truth is, i'm just the one who can't keep up with them. i hate myself way more right now than anyone else ever could. i don't know how i ended up like this, just zoning out through life with zero hope for the future, or even just for waking up tomorrow. do i still have nothing to lose? technically, no. so much money has been dumped into putting me through college, but here i am, lowkey regretting that i couldn't pull off offing myself the other day. i wanna do it now, but then all that money would just go down the drain. maybe later? i don't fucking know. why is it so damn hard for me to make friends? am i really just gonna be entirely alone until the day i die? i'm not even asking for much. i just want someone to actually believe in me and pick me over whoever else is standing right in front of them. i'm so sick of being the outcast. i wanna change, but it's just too damn hard. and yet, here i am again, overthinking every little thing, crying myself to sleep over shit that might not even be real. that toxic-ass habit is still clinging to me. i'm always getting paranoid over shit that hasn't even happened yet. but then again, sometimes that shit does happen, and that's obviously way worse. i want this and that, but then i remember i've got nobody backing me up, i'm totally on my own. i keep compulsively checking my phone, but it's just dry, nobody's hitting me up. i wanna text people first, but i'm terrified of being annoying and just coming off as a total nuisance to them. and it sucks so bad when you're tagging along behind a friend group, even when we're just walking, i can't even walk beside them, i'm always the one trailing behind, no matter what. is it always gonna be like this?
even online, i still can't manage to make any friends. so the problem really is just me, huh? it's crazy how lonely i am, i literally have nobody to rely on but myself. "social creatures who need others to survive?" yeah, that doesn't really apply to me. i'm just gonna be stuck here, all by myself, no matter what happens. i'm such a fucking loser. my body keeps getting older, but my mind is still completely stuck at 15. it honestly feels like i died on the inside back then, and now i'm just wasting time and energy doing absolutely nothing. i don't have any reason left to wake up tomorrow, but i'm already in too deep with all this crap that i shouldn't even be dealing with anymore. why is it so damn hard for me to just go through with it? why did i fail? why am i still here? what's even the point of me sticking around? i can literally count the number of people i talk to in a day on one hand. that's how pathetic i am. and now i'm out here relying on my old elementary school friend who i used to bully relentlessly. karma really came back to bite me in the ass, huh? now i'm the one looking like total trash, basically using the only person i still know as an excuse to keep going, as a friend. it just gets more and more exhausting. i'm already carrying all these responsibilities that i have to deal with, and i don't even know what for, but i just keep doing them anyway. even though i know it's all gonna be for nothing in the end. and this cycle is just gonna keep repeating, over and over again. i don't even know why i keep telling myself "everything's gonna be alright" when i'm in this kind of state. i don't know if there's genuinely any hope left for someone as useless as me. honestly, i don't even wanna get my hopes up for anything anymore. none of it is gonna happen, and i'd just be lying to myself in the end. there were so many things i wanted to do back in high school, but literally none of them ever happened. i'm just so tired. what's my reason for still being here? what's the point of sticking around until tomorrow? what the hell am i even gonna be doing tomorrow? i just want to quit being this useless burden to everyone else. because i know, deep down, i've been the problem from day one. i'm the one who shouldn't have been born in the first place, who should've been aborted, but for some reason, i'm still here, just a piece of trash whose only job is jerking off in my room looking at top guys' abs
i just don't have the drive to get through the day anymore. my friends have all moved on and gotten a life somewhere else. and then there's me, left behind, supposed to be doing the exact same thing, but everything just feels so numb and hollow. i don't know if i'm supposed to turn myself into some basic normie just to fit in with a society whose lifestyle i absolutely despise, clueless people who don't know shit about basic tech and have zero passion, or if i should just accept who i am right now and drag all this baggage with me. i'm just so drained. i literally don't know what i'm doing. i should've been dead already, way before all this even started. i should be dead, but i'm still stuck here, second-guessing my own damn choices. i don't even know if i should be regretting it or grateful that i botched the attempt, but one thing's for sure, i'm completely lost on what to do next. i don't know a single soul here. i just show up to class, listen to the professor yap, and head straight home. plus, i get the feeling that most people aren't gonna vibe with me anyway, and the feeling is totally mutual. i kinda wanna join some campus org or committee, but i just don't have it in me. i'm way too lazy and awkward. i'm just stuck on this endless loop. is it just gonna be like this forever?
honestly, i don't even have a reason to hate on people anymore. the truth is, i'm just the one who can't keep up with them. i hate myself way more right now than anyone else ever could. i don't know how i ended up like this, just zoning out through life with zero hope for the future, or even just for waking up tomorrow. do i still have nothing to lose? technically, no. so much money has been dumped into putting me through college, but here i am, lowkey regretting that i couldn't pull off offing myself the other day. i wanna do it now, but then all that money would just go down the drain. maybe later? i don't fucking know. why is it so damn hard for me to make friends? am i really just gonna be entirely alone until the day i die? i'm not even asking for much. i just want someone to actually believe in me and pick me over whoever else is standing right in front of them. i'm so sick of being the outcast. i wanna change, but it's just too damn hard. and yet, here i am again, overthinking every little thing, crying myself to sleep over shit that might not even be real. that toxic-ass habit is still clinging to me. i'm always getting paranoid over shit that hasn't even happened yet. but then again, sometimes that shit does happen, and that's obviously way worse. i want this and that, but then i remember i've got nobody backing me up, i'm totally on my own. i keep compulsively checking my phone, but it's just dry, nobody's hitting me up. i wanna text people first, but i'm terrified of being annoying and just coming off as a total nuisance to them. and it sucks so bad when you're tagging along behind a friend group, even when we're just walking, i can't even walk beside them, i'm always the one trailing behind, no matter what. is it always gonna be like this?
even online, i still can't manage to make any friends. so the problem really is just me, huh? it's crazy how lonely i am, i literally have nobody to rely on but myself. "social creatures who need others to survive?" yeah, that doesn't really apply to me. i'm just gonna be stuck here, all by myself, no matter what happens. i'm such a fucking loser. my body keeps getting older, but my mind is still completely stuck at 15. it honestly feels like i died on the inside back then, and now i'm just wasting time and energy doing absolutely nothing. i don't have any reason left to wake up tomorrow, but i'm already in too deep with all this crap that i shouldn't even be dealing with anymore. why is it so damn hard for me to just go through with it? why did i fail? why am i still here? what's even the point of me sticking around? i can literally count the number of people i talk to in a day on one hand. that's how pathetic i am. and now i'm out here relying on my old elementary school friend who i used to bully relentlessly. karma really came back to bite me in the ass, huh? now i'm the one looking like total trash, basically using the only person i still know as an excuse to keep going, as a friend. it just gets more and more exhausting. i'm already carrying all these responsibilities that i have to deal with, and i don't even know what for, but i just keep doing them anyway. even though i know it's all gonna be for nothing in the end. and this cycle is just gonna keep repeating, over and over again. i don't even know why i keep telling myself "everything's gonna be alright" when i'm in this kind of state. i don't know if there's genuinely any hope left for someone as useless as me. honestly, i don't even wanna get my hopes up for anything anymore. none of it is gonna happen, and i'd just be lying to myself in the end. there were so many things i wanted to do back in high school, but literally none of them ever happened. i'm just so tired. what's my reason for still being here? what's the point of sticking around until tomorrow? what the hell am i even gonna be doing tomorrow? i just want to quit being this useless burden to everyone else. because i know, deep down, i've been the problem from day one. i'm the one who shouldn't have been born in the first place, who should've been aborted, but for some reason, i'm still here, just a piece of trash whose only job is jerking off in my room looking at top guys' abs
