Cyril
Loving Being
- Mar 30, 2026
- 2
I have many, many disorders. Those disorders make me unable to work and have a job since they disable me. I was raised in a family that has gone to college and have high paying jobs and I am here. I have nothing to look forward to, no college, no waking up early to earn some money. For years now I have been attempting to find a job and yet, I can't stick to one because of my ideations and how bad they get. I get jealous of seeing people around me progress while I'm stuck in this loop. I also have C-PTSD which make me unable to function/feel properly. My emotions are blank and I feel awkward showing excitement, happiness and when I'm grateful. I know I'm happy, I just feel like it's undeserved for me to feel this way.
I've done my fair share of CTB, but I think it's finally the end for me soon.
As much as I've given hints TO others, I haven't cried to anyone about it yet, and it's the first time I haven't done it.
Last time I even tried to CTB, I was happy and felt light. I've never felt so happy in my life until I was interrupted and brought to the hospital.
I can't do anything about anything.
I have never blamed myself for those disorders, because I know most are rooted in my childhood trauma. I am severely disabled because of people from my past and I've lived with this curse since.
No one understands me. They understand the part where "Oh, i'm depressed and also want to CTB", but they don't get how painful life is when you're basically paralyzed and can't do anything about it. They can move on from those moments where life isn't so great for them, but I can't. I remember the past, I remember everything and it haunts me. It makes me have breakdowns.
I have plans to CTB in a month. I don't really care much anymore since I've never really had a day in my life where I didn't think anything bad. It's been there since I was 6.
It'll catch up to me sooner at this point, I feel...
I've done my fair share of CTB, but I think it's finally the end for me soon.
As much as I've given hints TO others, I haven't cried to anyone about it yet, and it's the first time I haven't done it.
Last time I even tried to CTB, I was happy and felt light. I've never felt so happy in my life until I was interrupted and brought to the hospital.
I can't do anything about anything.
I have never blamed myself for those disorders, because I know most are rooted in my childhood trauma. I am severely disabled because of people from my past and I've lived with this curse since.
No one understands me. They understand the part where "Oh, i'm depressed and also want to CTB", but they don't get how painful life is when you're basically paralyzed and can't do anything about it. They can move on from those moments where life isn't so great for them, but I can't. I remember the past, I remember everything and it haunts me. It makes me have breakdowns.
I have plans to CTB in a month. I don't really care much anymore since I've never really had a day in my life where I didn't think anything bad. It's been there since I was 6.
It'll catch up to me sooner at this point, I feel...
