losing virginity before ctb

[romanbrown]

i wanted to save my virginity for marriage but since i plan to die soon i don't think i will.

i want to lose it as quickly as possible but idrk how to do it with dignity since hiring a male escort seems humiliating and if i go to a club then i could probably be ok if i slap makeup over my tiredness but im quite socially inept and very disinterested in anyone, even more so sexually.

i'm not attracted to physicality at all but just how he is (ik it sounds very liberal but its true to me). i don't know what to do. i saved my virginity because i was told it was pure to me but i don't think i really understood why.

i've turned off my sexual attraction switch for religious purposes and im now trying to flip it back on since life is unbearable but everything seems so pointless. replies from females preferably pls.

i also think i'd have a visceral reaction to the real thing cause of trauma

 

[myattempt]

virginity is just a social concept that ties into purity culture that has roots of pedophilia so ive never really saw the point - probably because im autistic and dont see the point of anything that cant be explained throw rational/logical reasoning

i was brought up in religion but dont personally believe losing my virginity will change anything for me since my mind is set on ctb

 

[pechaberry]

Club might work for that! Maybe you can find someone you are mildly attracted to who will put in the effort. Be careful though! Use protection and be safe about where you go and what he wants to do. Just incase you don't end up wanting to ctb later on. Protect yourself! Escort would prob be best since there are no strings and they are a professional so it won't be garbage sex. It can be hard to find a male escort though.

 

[romanbrown]

virginity is just a social concept that ties into purity culture that has roots of pedophilia so ive never really saw the point - probably because im autistic and dont see the point of anything that cant be explained throw rational/logical reasoning

i was brought up in religion but dont personally believe losing my virginity will change anything for me since my mind is set on ctb

true but i do want to experience those sensations with someone but i really wanted to do it with someone i got to know but idk about prolonging ctb for a few months just to find someone, plus it might be extra worse for them if i bond and then go kill myself.

Club might work for that! Maybe you can find someone you are mildly attracted to who will put in the effort. Be careful though! Use protection and be safe about where you go and what he wants to do. Just incase you don't end up wanting to ctb later on. Protect yourself! Escort would prob be best since there are no strings and they are a professional so it won't be garbage sex. It can be hard to find a male escort though.

is it weird to go alone to a club? finding escorts was easy but idk still it just feels humiliating that my first and last time wont be as a glorious way that my religion portrayed it to be