Losing hope

[terra.nuvo]

Sorry for venting so much but here's another vent. I hate this life. I'm trying so hard to hang on but nothing is working. I try to use my old coping skills but they don't bring me peace anymore. Music used to be my biggest coping mechanism but I can't even manage to make one song anymore and it doesn't give me the same feeling that it used to. I'm such a failure and I can't see a path forward in my life where I'll be happy or successful. I can't even finish a goddamn degree where I only have TWO classes left. Like how sad is that? I've wasted so much time bed rotting that my mind has turned to mush and I can't do the same things I used.

I just keep telling myself that I have to get through the hard parts and eventually things will get better. But it's so hard to keep hanging on to what feels like false hope. Do things really get better? Do they always? What if I'm the case where things either only get worse or stay bad? There's so many times when I look at the geese around my apartment and I just wish I were a bird. Only caring about what my instincts tell me to. But unfortunately I'm a human and I have to deal with these human problems of not having a job, not being smart enough, and just generally feeling like shit.

I'm such a burden on my mother right now and on society in general. I hate that I have to find a job that I don't want to do in order to survive. I hate that I'm probably gonna be living with my mother for the rest of my life. I hate that I can't seem to do better. I'm just so worthless it hurts. And I keep thinking about when my mother is no longer able to take care of me. What'll I do then? What am I gonna do when there is no one left to take care of me. I'll be out on the street fending for myself. I'm terrified of that but at the rate I'm going its seeming like that's where I'm headed and I hate that I can't just bring myself to get out of bed and fucking work so that it won't happen.

Overall, I'm just so stressed right now and always that I can barely function and it hurts so much to be like this. I'm so lazy and I don't know what to do. Again, sorry for another vent.

 

[Ares]

Don't apologize. You're stressed and you're trying to move forwards despite how you feel right now. That's how I know you care. I'm in a similar situation with my classes, I took on a ton of extra virtual classes and they're making my grade suffer a ton and I'm on a super short deadline (I should be working on them rn ahaha!). We can get through this, maybe take a moment and have some tea? Or something else that makes you a little happier... Relaxing a bit before pushing myself forwards tends to motivate myself a bit, like a little treat before I force myself to do my assignments. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I believe in you!! ^^

 

[sirciroc]

Sorry for venting so much but here's another vent. I hate this life. I'm trying so hard to hang on but nothing is working. I try to use my old coping skills but they don't bring me peace anymore. Music used to be my biggest coping mechanism but I can't even manage to make one song anymore and it doesn't give me the same feeling that it used to. I'm such a failure and I can't see a path forward in my life where I'll be happy or successful. I can't even finish a goddamn degree where I only have TWO classes left. Like how sad is that? I've wasted so much time bed rotting that my mind has turned to mush and I can't do the same things I used.

I just keep telling myself that I have to get through the hard parts and eventually things will get better. But it's so hard to keep hanging on to what feels like false hope. Do things really get better? Do they always? What if I'm the case where things either only get worse or stay bad? There's so many times when I look at the geese around my apartment and I just wish I were a bird. Only caring about what my instincts tell me to. But unfortunately I'm a human and I have to deal with these human problems of not having a job, not being smart enough, and just generally feeling like shit.

I'm such a burden on my mother right now and on society in general. I hate that I have to find a job that I don't want to do in order to survive. I hate that I'm probably gonna be living with my mother for the rest of my life. I hate that I can't seem to do better. I'm just so worthless it hurts. And I keep thinking about when my mother is no longer able to take care of me. What'll I do then? What am I gonna do when there is no one left to take care of me. I'll be out on the street fending for myself. I'm terrified of that but at the rate I'm going its seeming like that's where I'm headed and I hate that I can't just bring myself to get out of bed and fucking work so that it won't happen.

Overall, I'm just so stressed right now and always that I can barely function and it hurts so much to be like this. I'm so lazy and I don't know what to do. Again, sorry for another vent.

Are you me?

God there is SO much I can relate to here it's almost uncanny. The severe anhedonia. 2 classes left in college but still can't manage to finish. Rotting in bed. Wishing I was an animal that didn't have to deal with these problems. Wondering if it's even worth it cause I'll just be stuck in a job I don't want but need because of late stage capitalism. Feeling like a failure and a burden on my parents (especially mom). Believing that I am truly worthless and wondering why it is so hard to get anything done.

 

[moshimoshi]

I really feel that when you said that the bed rotting has turned your brain to mush, I've pretty much just been bed rotting for a whole year. I can't do anything I used to be able to do. It's very hard for me to get a job too, I've tried but it's just incredibly hard and I can't seem to do the things that normal people can do. And there's no need to apologize for venting!! We're here for you I know how you feel though because I feel guilty about venting sometimes and almost disgusted with myself. I don't know if you're looking for advice or just needing someone to listen, but you're being way too hard on yourself. Being an adult is very difficult especially when you're struggling with depression, depression is a horrible illness that really tends to sap the life and willpower out of you. Something that has helped me is trying to accept that I'm not able to do the things I want right now and that's okay. You're going through so much and it's alright to be stagnant for a while and not have a job. I also feel like a burden, all of the time, but just know the fact that you're still alive is so amazing especially with everything you're facing. The immense pressure you're putting on yourself isn't healthy, just know it's alright to simply exist for a while and accepting that may help you move forward with your goals in the future. Sorry if that was unsolicited advice btw >~< ! Definitely let me know if it is

 

[Zazacosta]

@terra.nuvo Have you tried to write a list of activities you like to do? Even if they are very trivial. Like for example drinking a cup of tea, eating a good meal, listening to some music, playing some game, watching some movie... Walking in the park, or whatever else... having a shower? Or having a good sleep in the night? Anything.