I understand your pain. When I realized that I was going to ctb, I was desperate to do it right then and there. I was ready to down a bottle of vodka and take as many pills (prescription and over the counter) as I could find. After a little bit of research I realized how unpredictable that could be as well as painful. If you want something quick and clean I've seen a lot of people here talking about SN. You would have to order it though and I'm not sure how long that would take. Barbiturates are another method but it's extremely difficult to get a prescription in the US. I personally am going to use the inert gas method, but it does take quite some planning and it's not really all that discreet. I am so sorry that you are going through this, it's not an easy decision to make. I hope that others can chime in with some more knowledgeable answers. Best of luck