Hi, everyone. It's kind of... surreal to be writing this. I'm a long-time lurker, never thought I would be posting here. However, today I got some bad news that I don't think I can recover from.
I suffer from a lot of mental and physical illnesses that make it hard to work, (Bipolar/Depression/Panic Disorder/PTSD, Autism, An autoimmune disorder were trying to get an official DX that is physically damaging my body and joints) and so I've been on SSI. It was my saving grace when I first was homeless (I lost my mother and our home and had to live in my car) and helped me when I became homeless the second time (I had to live with someone who was abusive and had to leave to try and stay alive). It helped me get off the streets into my apartment and to start trying to heal and get better enough to try and find work. I had a job for the last few months but due to those same illnesses and also corporate stuff I won't be having my job any more in the next couple of days. I barely worked the last couple of months as it is, and so my entire stability rested on my disability. I had enough to pay rent, my phone bill, and that was it. I didnt really even have money for food for the last couple of weeks. Ive been trying to find a softer job thats not so hard on me, but I've had no luck.
I just got word that my SSI was cut down so low I will no longer be able to even pay rent on the fifth. In two days, I will officially no longer have a job. I will have nothing, and I am going to lose everything I have worked so hard to get. I am beyond devastated. I was dreading the decision, because this is basically game over for me. I was so honesty with them about what was going on, where my money was going, what was coming in and what was happening.
I have no car, I have no family who can take me in, I was just on the streets living in a broken RV barely being able to save up for a downpayment to this apartment while I tried my hardest to work at a job my body could barely handle. I've been going to doctors' appointments and taking meds and doing everything right. I've been doing everything right and honest and still; I've been fucked. They've essentially killed me.
So I'm sitting here, still in shock, still coming to the terms It's over for me. I have nothing, this was my last attempt at stability and somehow, I failed. I don't know how. I'm numb, yet it hurts so bad. I fought so hard for so long for the last three years to get this place, to have this job, to get on my own two feet after losing my mother and my childhood home and being homeless. And now it's going to all be gone.
I've been suicidal all my life, and had a lot of attempts, and this just feels like the final nail in my coffin. I can't see a way out of this. I'm too sick to live on the literal streets. I dont have a car or a broken rv anymore. This was all i had. I have barely $50 to my name as it stands, and now I won't even be able to pay my rent anymore. I'm not going to have a home again.
It was the only thing I had left to keep me going. I don't have much, I don't have a family or a close partner, or many friends. Hell not any close friends. I'm sick and disabled and this was all I had left. Aside from my dog to try and focus on. I didnt have much of a life, and god I was trying my best to fight to have one. I guess the universe is just telling me what I've known all along. I was never meant to be here, I was never good enough to live in this world.
And so I'm planning my death as we speak. I've already had ideas, but because I cant get my hands on any guns or drugs I just have to use what I'm able. I'm thinking about possibly hanging, or an OTC OD. I have this really big bottle of ibuprofen and I was thinking of crushing them all up into a cup of water and drinking them all in one go. So they all go into my system as fast as possible and hopefully its a big enough dose all at once to end me quick enough. If I pair it with alcohol maybe it might go faster and have a better chance?
I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe to not feel alone. I've always wanted to die, but I was starting to like life just a little bit enough to try and keep fighting. But now it just feels like life has fatally wounded me and reminded me that I was never meant for this place to begin with. I was only stalling the inevitable.
The pain is setting in, and I can't stop crying, I don't' know how long I've been writing this for. I just. I was trying so hard to be a person that would have been worth it in some way to this world... only to basically be told by the world itself there's no place for me here. I wish I was good enough. Even when I tried so hard my good enough didn't matter.
No matter how much I want to keep trying, I'm going to die.
I suffer from a lot of mental and physical illnesses that make it hard to work, (Bipolar/Depression/Panic Disorder/PTSD, Autism, An autoimmune disorder were trying to get an official DX that is physically damaging my body and joints) and so I've been on SSI. It was my saving grace when I first was homeless (I lost my mother and our home and had to live in my car) and helped me when I became homeless the second time (I had to live with someone who was abusive and had to leave to try and stay alive). It helped me get off the streets into my apartment and to start trying to heal and get better enough to try and find work. I had a job for the last few months but due to those same illnesses and also corporate stuff I won't be having my job any more in the next couple of days. I barely worked the last couple of months as it is, and so my entire stability rested on my disability. I had enough to pay rent, my phone bill, and that was it. I didnt really even have money for food for the last couple of weeks. Ive been trying to find a softer job thats not so hard on me, but I've had no luck.
I just got word that my SSI was cut down so low I will no longer be able to even pay rent on the fifth. In two days, I will officially no longer have a job. I will have nothing, and I am going to lose everything I have worked so hard to get. I am beyond devastated. I was dreading the decision, because this is basically game over for me. I was so honesty with them about what was going on, where my money was going, what was coming in and what was happening.
I have no car, I have no family who can take me in, I was just on the streets living in a broken RV barely being able to save up for a downpayment to this apartment while I tried my hardest to work at a job my body could barely handle. I've been going to doctors' appointments and taking meds and doing everything right. I've been doing everything right and honest and still; I've been fucked. They've essentially killed me.
So I'm sitting here, still in shock, still coming to the terms It's over for me. I have nothing, this was my last attempt at stability and somehow, I failed. I don't know how. I'm numb, yet it hurts so bad. I fought so hard for so long for the last three years to get this place, to have this job, to get on my own two feet after losing my mother and my childhood home and being homeless. And now it's going to all be gone.
I've been suicidal all my life, and had a lot of attempts, and this just feels like the final nail in my coffin. I can't see a way out of this. I'm too sick to live on the literal streets. I dont have a car or a broken rv anymore. This was all i had. I have barely $50 to my name as it stands, and now I won't even be able to pay my rent anymore. I'm not going to have a home again.
It was the only thing I had left to keep me going. I don't have much, I don't have a family or a close partner, or many friends. Hell not any close friends. I'm sick and disabled and this was all I had left. Aside from my dog to try and focus on. I didnt have much of a life, and god I was trying my best to fight to have one. I guess the universe is just telling me what I've known all along. I was never meant to be here, I was never good enough to live in this world.
And so I'm planning my death as we speak. I've already had ideas, but because I cant get my hands on any guns or drugs I just have to use what I'm able. I'm thinking about possibly hanging, or an OTC OD. I have this really big bottle of ibuprofen and I was thinking of crushing them all up into a cup of water and drinking them all in one go. So they all go into my system as fast as possible and hopefully its a big enough dose all at once to end me quick enough. If I pair it with alcohol maybe it might go faster and have a better chance?
I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe to not feel alone. I've always wanted to die, but I was starting to like life just a little bit enough to try and keep fighting. But now it just feels like life has fatally wounded me and reminded me that I was never meant for this place to begin with. I was only stalling the inevitable.
The pain is setting in, and I can't stop crying, I don't' know how long I've been writing this for. I just. I was trying so hard to be a person that would have been worth it in some way to this world... only to basically be told by the world itself there's no place for me here. I wish I was good enough. Even when I tried so hard my good enough didn't matter.
No matter how much I want to keep trying, I'm going to die.
