TW: SA/R*pe
I've been thinking about the words to write to my loved one and all I can keep going back to is it's been a long time coming. I haven't been too quiet about my failing mental health, I've reached out for help before and their 'help' only made things worse. My last attempt was after my school found out I was r*ped and proceeded to tell me I was lying, then it was my fault, then they called my mom who made me file a report to a school officer who I saw daily. I've been struggling with this for over 2 years now and all I'm told is to get over it, but I can't. I feel so completely destroyed and used and just disgusting. I can't look at myself in the mirror and I have no strength to keep fighting it. I was 16 when it happened and have only gotten worse since. I just feel like I've plummeted so low I can't climb back up. I keep replaying that night on repeat and I can't get the details out of my mind. I see him in the corner of my eyes everywhere all the time, I feel his hands on me every single night, I can't sleep most nights and the only way I can is with lights on, shoes by my bed or on my feet, fully clothed, and with my dog in bed with me. I feel like I'll never get past the feeling that I'll never be safe again. He was my boyfriend at the time and I loved and trusted him and now I feel like every time I get close to someone it becomes another risk of assault. Sometimes I just wish I had been able to CTB before I ever even met him but now I just feel stuck. I've been told if I do that's letting him win, but I just don't know how much longer I can go.
I've been thinking about the words to write to my loved one and all I can keep going back to is it's been a long time coming. I haven't been too quiet about my failing mental health, I've reached out for help before and their 'help' only made things worse. My last attempt was after my school found out I was r*ped and proceeded to tell me I was lying, then it was my fault, then they called my mom who made me file a report to a school officer who I saw daily. I've been struggling with this for over 2 years now and all I'm told is to get over it, but I can't. I feel so completely destroyed and used and just disgusting. I can't look at myself in the mirror and I have no strength to keep fighting it. I was 16 when it happened and have only gotten worse since. I just feel like I've plummeted so low I can't climb back up. I keep replaying that night on repeat and I can't get the details out of my mind. I see him in the corner of my eyes everywhere all the time, I feel his hands on me every single night, I can't sleep most nights and the only way I can is with lights on, shoes by my bed or on my feet, fully clothed, and with my dog in bed with me. I feel like I'll never get past the feeling that I'll never be safe again. He was my boyfriend at the time and I loved and trusted him and now I feel like every time I get close to someone it becomes another risk of assault. Sometimes I just wish I had been able to CTB before I ever even met him but now I just feel stuck. I've been told if I do that's letting him win, but I just don't know how much longer I can go.
