greatgooglymoogly
Member
- Dec 1, 2023
- 79
Just hate being surrounded by people and totally alone. Pretty much no one knows anything about me. There are probably 10ish who do and only a few who might be permanently affected if I died. I've been thinking about suicide since high school and it's been baked into my brain as my last resort for so long that talking about it isn't gonna help. That decision is buried in so much other mental crap that I just don't have the effort or time to start unraveling by opening someone else anymore. My parents were great but I just never had that kind of relationship with them. I don't blame them though, they did their best. And I feel like it's too early to dump anything on my gf at this point even though she's the best part of life. I'm just so committed to suicide that it would be the easiest thing to talk to someone about and I can't solve the "root" problems anymore. Opening up at all would just put me in a hospital and then everyone would know. Suicide feels like the one thing I can control about myself anymore, and I don't want to lose that opportunity. I don't hate the world - I just hate myself. There are things about suicide and society that need to change but I don't personally wish I could just go to a doctor and get put down; I wish I'd started to change earlier and that I could go to a therapist and not have the fear of getting institutionalized for how I feel all the time. Also just having something I could take to kill me whenever I want would be a plus. DId a "test run" of partial suspension hanging today and freaked the hell out when I actually almost passed out. I didn't come close enough with charcoal to know what my life flashing before my eyes feels like. Sucks because in that moment the ape brain wants the body to live and shows me all the good stuff about living… but as soon as I come back to my senses it's all gone and I wish I'd actually shut the belt in the door.
