Loneliness Megathread

[tooBadTooLate]

It's really demanding for me to keep in touch with people who I can't get close to emotionally—and that applies to people whose contacts I've gotten over the years. Just sitting in there, probably gathering digital dust in my phone. I remember calling someone whom I got their phone number the day before, only for it not to go through. What a shame. He said that I was a very interesting person to talk to on that day. Sure, I bet he was busy at the time, but God damn it there goes a chance for someone I might've formed a decent bond with.

 

[fromange]

I told a few people about my thoughts. Their responses sucked so I stopped. I have a few friends but my ex was my best friend. Family, never again since last time I opened up years ago. I haven't told anyone about my thoughts from the depressive episode I'm currently in. I don't want to talk to a therapist because they either disappoint or overreact. Are they gonna cure my ADHD? Get me a job? Keep me that job? Get someone to love me? Have that person stay? Yeah don't think so. So I need to just make up my mind. Either do it or shut up about it.
Fuck "you're not alone." Yes I am.

 

[ToTheEgress]

I had to leave the university town I've lived in for the last 4 years, where I had some kind of social life for basically the first time in my life. Now everything hurts I hate living in my hometown and I feel like chances are slim that I'll be able to leave.

 

[KenDuh]

I write messages to people that won't answer, but I wait believing that maybe this time they'll do, they haven't blocked me nor told me anything at all, just silence. I once told them that I hated silence, the brain doesn't know what's going on and creates the worst stuff. I arrive home just to sleep, is no good that I check messages, nobody will message either way. I'm losing the need to talk, I may forget how to and remain silent.

 

[android]

I write messages to people that won't answer, but I wait believing that maybe this time they'll do, they haven't blocked me nor told me anything at all, just silence. I once told them that I hated silence, the brain doesn't know what's going on and creates the worst stuff. I arrive home just to sleep, is no good that I check messages, nobody will message either way. I'm losing the need to talk, I may forget how to and remain silent.

Losing the need to talk is key. I really believe that it is only in silence that we can stop suffering. It requires a deep surrender to silence. No more noise; not even parasocial relationships like forums, YouTube or podcasts.

The mind is an incredibly powerful thing. If you truly want to live, you can carve a world out for yourself in your head that is habitable for you. In fact, the world that you and I think we live in, is just an artifact of our own minds.

This is all well in theory. But of course you might complain:

1. I do not "enjoy" life for xyz reason.
2. I do not want to exit because abc reason.

In other words these complaints translate to:

1. I am not content with the current world that I have built in my mind.
2. I want to live. (Otherwise I'd be gone already.)

It's hard for me to admit #2, but I think it's true, and every time I get close to ctb I realise that I actually want to live. Perhaps it's biological.

The hardest thing about "worldbuilding" is that we all have to agree to this one stupid reality. We have to wake up, talk to people (e.g. parents), go participate in institutions (democracy, school, and so on). Most of us are all forced to connect into the "real world", the one that brings us so much pain.


IF You are lucky enough to be truly alone, then you are blessed. It is not a surprise that mystics of the past all advocated for things like meditation, disappearing into caces or gardens where they were surrounded by no-one. If you truly are alone, try to disconnect. Build your own world. Perhaps it is your loneliness that will truly set you free.

 

[Dejected 55]

I write messages to people that won't answer, but I wait believing that maybe this time they'll do, they haven't blocked me nor told me anything at all, just silence. I once told them that I hated silence, the brain doesn't know what's going on and creates the worst stuff. I arrive home just to sleep, is no good that I check messages, nobody will message either way. I'm losing the need to talk, I may forget how to and remain silent.

I don't understand this either... how someone will apparently not want to talk with you, but does not block you and may or may not be reading what you send. Sometimes it seems like they must... but still they never respond so you are only guessing. I don't understand why people can't just tell you how they feel, and kick you away honestly... then block you if they must... but give the courtesy of telling you they don't want to be in your life before going silent.

I've always told people how I felt... if I had a problem with them... if I no longer wanted to communicate. I don't leave people hanging like that. It is cruel and painful.

 

[worldsworsthedonist]

My background is boring and typical. I have not had a friend since I graduated from high school a decade ago. I have maintained a self-destructive pattern of socially avoidant behavior all this time. I make evident to my peers that I intend only to interact on a professional basis. At least I am on good terms with my immediate family, but we are not close. I love my brother more than anything in the world, yet I keep him at arms length. I self-narcotize by watching or listening to asmr, vtubers, youtube for >10 hours a day so almost always there is some familiar stranger's voice in my ears. By now I mostly listen to the same things over and over. Needless to say I have no love life. I have never tried to form an intimate relationship.

I remember at the very moment of my high school graduation it seemed to be revealed to me in a sudden that I would never speak to my former classmates again, like a bell ringing in my ear. I thought that was what I sensed, and it felt refreshing to clear them away.

I affect an icy formality in academic or professional settings. Nowhere have I appeared stuffier than at university.

I feel most alone in the company of my extended family.

The romance of alcoholism is too heavily tempered by risk aversion. At least I managed to pick up cigarettes.

Wonder if there's anything to the thought that, like concert pianists or sportsmen, to become an excellent romantic partner requires significant dedication and practice in one's youth. Probably wrong.

 

[turkishcoffee77]

My loneliness stems from a 27 year old marriage & relationship that has become stale. A lot of bitter resentments from a differing cultural ideology I've struggled to set right. It has estranged my remaining biological family away from me. I'm stuck in the abyss living with hoarding in-laws and a wife of whom I no longer love. Instead, I'm forced to just be 'there' and take care of domestics and buffer fights between my daughter and wife. After work I return to a house of disarray and strangeness which doesn't feel like a home to me anymore. I'm now starting to dissociate my situation onto my other relationships which just 'exist' out of necessity rather than genuity. Apathy is starting to take hold.

In spite of the mounting apathy, it still hurts. I've been a depressive since my early 20s when I first tried to ctb. My then gf (now wife) knew about it but simply went about the business of building her life around me. I'm expected to 'love' her, and be a 'husband' for her sake. When my SI comes up in a conversation, she simply tells me to be quiet and get professional help. Gaslighting and guilt are no exceptions.

It's now become so bad that I've started to set plans into motion, but not on an impulsive level like in my youth. I hurt so much that preparations are unbearably slow, but I don't want to blow it this time. In the end it'll all be worth it, and I'll finally be at peace.

 

[suicidallysane]

I hate when I don't have anyone to talk to. I feel so alone and uncared for. It's really embarrassing being this needy as an adult

 

[whitetaildeer]

I hate being a widow. There is no one who could possibly fill the void of my late beloved, and it feels so painfully selfish each time I consider it. She is/was all I really had.

 

[soullessnes]

Right now, the only person I have is my mom but her health is deteriorating and she is older. Can't imagine what life will be when I lose her. She helps me with a lot of things. I won't be able to cope for sure

 

[badtoad12314]

I cut off my parents and half of my family because of what my parents did to me. I cut off my friends that i knew for years because of guilt and feeling like a monster after i blamed myself for a partner attempting suicide. they dont want to talk to me anymore because i do it alot when i feel so guilty for something i did or the way i act. perhaps this event was the last straw.

 

[Liwujin]

I tried to reach out to my best friend for help or at least a shoulder to cry on, I confessed I was planning to cbt but it just turned awkward and we haven't spoken about it since then. I tried to tell my mother as well but I just couldn't look her in the eyes and tell her I felt miserable as she listed all the reasons why I shouldn't feel that way. I feel like there is a wall between me and the rest of the world I just can't go past.

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

So be it.

1. "You cannot please everyone; control the things you can control." ~Suncha Ferreira (Victus Group)/Mark 8:36, Matthew 13:12

2. The grass withers, the flowers fade, because the breath of the Lord blows upon it; surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever. (Isaiah 40:7-8)

3. The world hates liabilities, and would rather they not exist, as much as the rules dictate that all life is inherently valuable. (Proverbs 25:17)

• Even in a community of liabilities, there is no place for a liability. (John 15:18)

Therefore, as much as I desire to live, and that a world without me would be awfully dull and grey, this isn't up to me; if I die, I die; though my father, mother, and the whole world forsake me, the Lord will bring me up. (Esther 4:11, Psalm 27:10)

 

[foreverandever]

I've never been good at making friends, socializing, and especially dating. I've always felt like a freak who had to work twice as hard just to come off as normal. Add to that a growing list of complexes, failures, and insecurities, and over the years I've just gotten worse and worse.

Despite that, I've always had at least a few good friends at every point in my life. Wonderful people who forced me to open up and let them in. They're honestly one of the only reasons I'm still here. But, I don't feel like I can really, fully trust them. Still. I'm terrified of what they'd think if they knew the things I think. If they knew how worthless I really am. I'm sure they'd end up abandoning me like many of my old friends did.

So, I keep them at length. Which keeps me feeling extremely lonely despite not being so physically. In addition are my dating problems. I've never had a girlfriend, I've never even kissed anyone. I've always been too awkward and stupid to figure it all out. Yet, my deepest desire is still to be a husband and father. I've tried time and again to kill that want. To convince myself that I don't need it. Yet, it persists. I feel as though nothing will ever mean anything to me without it. Which I know is wrong. I shouldn't tie my happiness to external factors... Blah, blah, blah.

I've tried changing, improving, working on things, but it's apparently pointless. I'm just fundamentally wrong in every way. So, here I am, trying once again to give up on it all. I hope it works this time.

 

[breathingblues]

I hate being a widow. There is no one who could possibly fill the void of my late beloved, and it feels so painfully selfish each time I consider it. She is/was all I really had.

Horrible sounding suggestion, but she'd probably want you to be happy. Replacing her is cruelish and not something that will help that much, but being alone gives more suffering.

 

[3D Passenger]

I bet I've walked past so many people that I'd really resonate with, or ended conversations to get away from. But even when I try doing what friends do and take part, it doesn't make me feel like I'm a friend, just there as a passenger to friends. Sort of in the back seat, under the snacks, and there's a cooler kid next to me that makes them forget I'm here too man

I remember at the very moment of my high school graduation it seemed to be revealed to me in a sudden that I would never speak to my former classmates again, like a bell ringing in my ear. I thought that was what I sensed, and it felt refreshing to clear them away.

I really get this,
It's easy to just let them go, feels like it saves space in my head. Became a habit


I would love to meet people just like some of the folks I see posting in these forums and get to know them, but we don't really know how, do we
just know I think yall are cool

 

[Celerity]

I made the mistake of dipping back into Reddit to get answers for a question I had and immediately ran into multiple nasty people. Rejection is awful, but it's a different kind of loneliness to be a misanthrope.

I think we let people get away with too much. Being an asshole back in the day was likely to get you socked right in the mouth. Nowadays, we glorify these people.

If I could completely and forever expunge my human need for belonging, I would.

 

[forgotten_thought]

I have never been more lonely than now in my entire, 21 years old life. Everyday, it is just me and my thoughts. If I don't force myself to work on myself - nothing is gonna happen. It is painful. I am afraid of my close future. I am really scared. What if I am really gonna stay this way? Why was it always so hard for me to find a connection that made me feel like I finally belong somewhere? Last time I wasn't feeling lonely on daily basis was when I was still with my girlfriend. And that was like 5 years ago. Since then it s been going downhill. I feel like every relation is just bound to crack sooner or later. And I don't think anyone even cares about me, even if I do find myself in a social interaction. Just a useless being. Feeling transparent everywhere I go.

 

[PersonBeforeLife]

Yeah. I can't find a single relationship. The dating market for average guys is a desert. Like 10 guys per women... And without someone to share life with... Oh sweet pure oblivion...

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

I have never been more lonely than now in my entire, 21 years old life. Everyday, it is just me and my thoughts. If I don't force myself to work on myself - nothing is gonna happen. It is painful. I am afraid of my close future. I am really scared. What if I am really gonna stay this way? Why was it always so hard for me to find a connection that made me feel like I finally belong somewhere? Last time I wasn't feeling lonely on daily basis was when I was still with my girlfriend. And that was like 5 years ago. Since then it s been going downhill. I feel like every relation is just bound to crack sooner or later. And I don't think anyone even cares about me, even if I do find myself in a social interaction. Just a useless being. Feeling transparent everywhere I go.

yeah me too, except it's been more than 5 years.

occasionally I broke out of this for a day or a week by going places but it never felt normal like it used to.
most social interaction and feeling of normal life I recently got in a mental health clinic with all the "forced" interaction. not really forced, but very easy and people can't run off. Most of the people there have objectively way more of an enjoyable life than me and they would all tell me I'm such a great guy and everything will be alright, but as soon as I was out of there and depression hit hard again everyone left me hanging again. It's always the same, no one has the capacity to deal with someone really depressed and lonely. People are just lying sacks of shit.

 

[joelover]

Just one of those nights where I'm alone with my thoughts again. During moments like these I should want to stop feeling this miserable, but for a long time it's been my only way of feeling "alive". I started truly acknowledging my loneliness in high school, but I realized I've always felt this way since my earliest years. Having to live with my migrant folks in a neighboring country that generally looks down on mine. Being made fun of by other kids and occasionally teachers for simply being the only kid at school who's "of that nation" (I say it this way because appearance-wise we're basically the same. Just goes to show the irrationality of racism and any form of bigotry). In my most formative years we moved back to the homeland where ironically I felt and still feel even more like an outcast. Makes sense why I turned out this way, but I never liked telling people this part of my life. Too embarrassing. I rather just let them see me as inherently weak or flawed. I guess tonight I'm feeling more...desperate

 

[dawnixatoke]

Every single relationship I've had in life has failed. Every friendship has either withered to time or ended rough, and my only romantic relationship blocked me on everything back in spring. Its so dehumanizing to be abandoned by the people you trusted the most. Should I just accept it at this point? That others see me as inherently disposable due to my history of mental illness and autism? I was led to believe that its easier to make friends with other neurodivergent people, but that seemingly doesn't apply to me. It hurts the most when I see people I used to know seem happier after I lose them, like they just dispose of me when I'm no longer useful to them. Even my own family has grown distant with me. I am at a point in life where I can confidently say I have no-one. I'm going into my second year of studying CS this month and it doesn't look like it's getting much brighter. I'll either die alone in my 20's or 30's

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Every single relationship I've had in life has failed. Every friendship has either withered to time or ended rough, and my only romantic relationship blocked me on everything back in spring. Its so dehumanizing to be abandoned by the people you trusted the most. Should I just accept it at this point? That others see me as inherently disposable due to my history of mental illness and autism? I was led to believe that its easier to make friends with other neurodivergent people, but that seemingly doesn't apply to me. It hurts the most when I see people I used to know seem happier after I lose them, like they just dispose of me when I'm no longer useful to them. Even my own family has grown distant with me. I am at a point in life where I can confidently say I have no-one. I'm going into my second year of studying CS this month and it doesn't look like it's getting much brighter. I'll either die alone in my 20's or 30's

Can relate.
I just have more of those experiences and they piled up for 10 years.

 

[[redacted]]

Yesterday, I was playing cs and a girl said something on vc and it left on me a feeling that I had completely forgotten about.
It left me wanting more and it made me remember how much I'm missing on.
It also made me realize what people mean when they say stuff like "exploring yourself", etc. I kind of didn't know I could feel this.

 

[Carrot]

Yesterday, I was playing cs and a girl said something on vc and it left on me a feeling that I had completely forgotten about.
It left me wanting more and it made me remember how much I'm missing on.
It also made me realize what people mean when they say stuff like "exploring yourself", etc. I kind of didn't know I could feel this.

What do you mean by explore yourself? My guess is either sex with many people or exploring what you want to do in life, which are pretty different guesses.

 

[lonely_potato]

Tired of living groundhog's day every day, with no real end in sight. I used to have a friend, but I pushed her away after she hurt me. Now, I have no one. I've considered dating apps, but I've had negative experiences with them before so... idk. And I don't really go out, so it's hard to meet people. I suppose it's a self fulfilling curse, but I have no idea how to get out of it.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Yesterday, I was playing cs and a girl said something on vc and it left on me a feeling that I had completely forgotten about.
It left me wanting more and it made me remember how much I'm missing on.

It's the same for me every time I sit on the balcony to smoke. The yearning for something more is really bad when I see girls or women walking by on the street below that I find interesting or attractive. Or even when I just see any people that are having a good time with friends.

Tired of living groundhog's day every day, with no real end in sight. I used to have a friend, but I pushed her away after she hurt me. Now, I have no one. I've considered dating apps, but I've had negative experiences with them before so... idk. And I don't really go out, so it's hard to meet people. I suppose it's a self fulfilling curse, but I have no idea how to get out of it.

can relate 100%. I might get out of it somewhat by hospitalising myself again, but that just another utopia on a timer...

 

[deadngoresurgery]

I am genuinely a piece of shit person. i want to die so bad, but im scared. i wanna die painlessly and with no effort, like dying in my sleep. but im scared because i havent found a method that guarantees that painless death. i have been groomed online when i was a young teen and ive witnessed some disgusting things that i hope no one ever has to witness. ive been in online "relationships" and have shown my body online as a teen to older men or guys my age. when i tried getting into a relationship for real in my junior year of high school, all i did was cause problems. i cheated on my boyfriend, and it just kept happening because i was so conditioned to talking with guys a bunch online and at the same time. ive never had a proper relationship before then. im hypersexual, which i fucking hate, and every relationship ive been in has been fucked over because of me. its always because of me. im just left here as a corpse, i give up on trying to do shit with people, but at the same time, im still desperate for it. and it sucks because my urges and wants get the better of me, and i know i shouldnt be in a relationship or messing around with anyone, but i still do. i just want to fucking die, make it all end. theres no hope for me, im tired of living, no one i can talk to, not even my family because of how theyve treated me, and i dont trust anyone really to talk to my problems about.

 

[Spite]

Almost my entire life has been marked by extreme loneliness and feeling alienated and invisible.

I've felt the bitter sting of loneliness ever since I was young. I remember being left out and never truly connecting with any of my classmates in primary school. I was either picked on, or ignored outright. Everything got worse in high school, and I didn't have a single friend throughout my entire school life. I was never invited anywhere outside of school, and I never connected with anyone. Spending lunch and recess sitting alone in a disabled bathroom cubicle near the admin office playing video games on my Nintendo DS was not uncommon.

As an adult I still have practically no friends and the overwhelming majority of my life has been nothing but a lonely, desolate wasteland. I have never, ever had a social life. I've spent most of my life shut in my bedroom, sitting in the dark with my eyes glued to my computer screen. This is unnatural. I don't feel human.

It sounds impossible to believe, but somehow against all odds I'm married and I have a wife. I think I just got insanely lucky and in almost any other circumstance I shouldn't be married. Even though I'm married, I still feel totally alienated and invisible in this life. Like I don't truly connect with anyone and I never will.

Just the other day when I was at work, we all gathered in the break room to eat food that had been prepared for us as part of a special event. I took a seat on one of the couches and finished my food and just sat there resting for a few minutes. Two co-workers, both around the same age as me - young men - sat down very close to me, with me in the middle right between them, and they were talking to each other and having a good time, and I was just... totally invisible. Like I am literally a ghost. I was right there, and they couldn't acknowledge my existence at all - it seriously was as if I physically wasn't sitting there. It's been a long time since I was made to feel so invisible and I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days ever since.

Going through life with no friends, and no/minimal connections, is hell. I truly believe a lifetime of feeling this isolated and extremely lonely is one of the worst things a human being can ever go through.