esthe
snap back
- May 9, 2023
- 47
Hi, first things first, I'm glad I was able to enter this community; it's my first time posting, so sorry for eventual formatting and grammar mistakes, as english is not my first language.
I need to get some thoughts and worries off my mind to feel a little more at peace, so feel free to ignore this vent.
I've struggled with loneliness, among other things, for a pretty long time: being almost 19, I can sure tell that I've not lived that much and thus I can't really have a complete outlook on my life, yet overall, it's been...far from great up until now. Something's been bothering me in these last days; it could seem stupid, but it's weighing on me quite a lot, honestly.
I'm attending the last year of high school, and tomorrow me and my classmates will depart for a week-long trip abroad. During those five years of high school I've struggled to make friends, same thing goes for middle school, but I've always tried my best: being a very introverted and socially anxious person has not helped at all, in a small town where everyone has always known each other, except for me; this led to me being kind of...excluded from the class 'groups' every time, for no clear reason. I've grown accustomed to that, and I'm quite happy to say that I've found two or three people I can trust.
Yet yesterday I found out that they canceled their participation, so now I'm just...thinking about what will happen during this trip. I've learned to accept loneliness with time, but sometimes the fear of it arises again, and this is the case. I'm...afraid, if I have to be honest. Because I'm sure I'll end up alone again, and this time not for 5 or 6 hours (average school hours), but for a whole week, and not on my own volition: as I said, I tried and try to talk, spend time and form a relationship with my classmates, but it seems no matter how hard I try, I get badmouthed and judged; I've never done anything bad to any of them, I always try to be kind and available no matter my problems which I avoid to show when I'm with other people (as I've been often told in the past that me not being always happy and cheery ruined the mood, so it...sticked out), but it seems it's never enough.
I understand I'm not one of the "popular" ones, I've never been and I don't want to be, yet...is it really so important? I'm trying to get over it so I'll just enjoy the trip no matter what, since it'll be an experience, even if I'll be alone. But still, I'm uneasy about it. Sometimes I just wish things were...easier, and people were more kind. It'll be a tough week.
I need to get some thoughts and worries off my mind to feel a little more at peace, so feel free to ignore this vent.
I've struggled with loneliness, among other things, for a pretty long time: being almost 19, I can sure tell that I've not lived that much and thus I can't really have a complete outlook on my life, yet overall, it's been...far from great up until now. Something's been bothering me in these last days; it could seem stupid, but it's weighing on me quite a lot, honestly.
I'm attending the last year of high school, and tomorrow me and my classmates will depart for a week-long trip abroad. During those five years of high school I've struggled to make friends, same thing goes for middle school, but I've always tried my best: being a very introverted and socially anxious person has not helped at all, in a small town where everyone has always known each other, except for me; this led to me being kind of...excluded from the class 'groups' every time, for no clear reason. I've grown accustomed to that, and I'm quite happy to say that I've found two or three people I can trust.
Yet yesterday I found out that they canceled their participation, so now I'm just...thinking about what will happen during this trip. I've learned to accept loneliness with time, but sometimes the fear of it arises again, and this is the case. I'm...afraid, if I have to be honest. Because I'm sure I'll end up alone again, and this time not for 5 or 6 hours (average school hours), but for a whole week, and not on my own volition: as I said, I tried and try to talk, spend time and form a relationship with my classmates, but it seems no matter how hard I try, I get badmouthed and judged; I've never done anything bad to any of them, I always try to be kind and available no matter my problems which I avoid to show when I'm with other people (as I've been often told in the past that me not being always happy and cheery ruined the mood, so it...sticked out), but it seems it's never enough.
I understand I'm not one of the "popular" ones, I've never been and I don't want to be, yet...is it really so important? I'm trying to get over it so I'll just enjoy the trip no matter what, since it'll be an experience, even if I'll be alone. But still, I'm uneasy about it. Sometimes I just wish things were...easier, and people were more kind. It'll be a tough week.
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