Discussion Living with BPD is a nightmare

[Moroze]

My mood changes like more than 30 times a day. My entire sense of identity is gone. I don't know what I want, or how I feel about anything, or who I am. Worst thing, everyone seeing you as this crazy unstable lunatic. I don't blame them, it's how I see myself too. But God, it's awful, I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. One moment, I'll be convinced that THIS is what I want in life, the next, I am just regretting everything. One moment I feel like, RIGHT, this is it, I am going to die right now, then the next moment I don't recognise myself. It's such a mind fuck.

 

[MyShadow]

My mood changes like more than 30 times a day. My entire sense of identity is gone. I don't know what I want, or how I feel about anything, or who I am. Worst thing, everyone seeing you as this crazy unstable lunatic. I don't blame them, it's how I see myself too. But God, it's awful, I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. One moment, I'll be convinced that THIS is what I want in life, the next, I am just regretting everything. One moment I feel like, RIGHT, this is it, I am going to die right now, then the next moment I don't recognise myself. It's such a mind fuck.

I have not felt like myself in over a year. Right now, I am trying to focus on work but I've been swinging between anxiety and depression for hours. Because I am not taking meds, I just have to ride it out and trying to ride out a fucking hurricane while trying to work is a nightmare.

Unregulated moods is what makes this so frustrating. No wonder so many people kill themselves.

 

[58Alice85]

just push through it. i sometimes hear disgusting voices screaming at me to suck off homeless people
i just ignore/humiliate the voices

 

[tiredofbpd]

After 47 years in this planet I am so tired of exactly what OP is describing. It's very hard to live with BPD. To just push trough has been my motto for my life, but now I'm just so tired of it. It's all so meaningless

I think it should be available to end life peacefully with help from government in our situation.

 

[Anonymousa]

yep its sadly hell. Also god the changing of wants and regretting it is so relatable. With a lot of things I don't know what If what I wanted is what I want now. I just do it cus thats what I did before and thats whats expected from me.

 

[offbalance]

My mood changes like more than 30 times a day. My entire sense of identity is gone. I don't know what I want, or how I feel about anything, or who I am. Worst thing, everyone seeing you as this crazy unstable lunatic. I don't blame them, it's how I see myself too. But God, it's awful, I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. One moment, I'll be convinced that THIS is what I want in life, the next, I am just regretting everything. One moment I feel like, RIGHT, this is it, I am going to die right now, then the next moment I don't recognise myself. It's such a mind fuck.

You're not alone I never know what I fucking want. Is it self destruction? Is it self deliverance? Is it a good life? I never fucking know and people see me as unstable cuz of it

 

[Ididthis]

Yeah the up and down this and that has/is destroying my life. I kept making bad choices thinking it's what i want, then it flip flops. Now i live in what could be described as a tomb fairly accurately because of it. I took so many things for granted that are now gone from my life- peace, security, basic hygiene, basic cleanliness, freedom. I'm at the lowest point i've ever been and it's because i convinced myself i needed something i was really better off staying the hell away from.
I comfort myself with the idea its karma; i've hurt a lot of people in my episodes and the life i'm living now is justice. Doesn't make it any better, but it's something. I lost my sense of self awhile ago. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
The guilt... the never ending, flashback inducing guilt is all that is keeping me breathing.