Discussion Is anyone else a shut-in?

[kirillbledny]

I live with family so I still get social interaction, even though they drive me crazy sometimes. But I only leave the house when I absolutely have to. Sometimes I prefer going hungry over going into the grocery store. The main reason is that I feel so ugly and I feel like everyone can see right through me, they can see how pathetic I am and surely judge me. I get that this is projection, but I just don't want anyone to see me. I even avoid my family as much as possible and stay in my room pretty much 24/7. It doesn't help that I'm fat (like obese fat), and very self-conscious about that. But sitting at home with minimal movement obviously doesn't help with that.

Getting my driver's license helped for a bit, because I could drive and see the world while in private, listening to music. I always parked in the middle of some fields and smoked weed, watching the sunset or stars. But my mother owns the car, and now she implemented a system where me and my two siblings have to write down the exact amount of km we drove and when into a notebook, so that's off the table because I don't wanna be questioned on that. I suspect it's because she knows I'm suicidal and wants to feel more in control.

Anyone else in a similar situation? I don't even know what to call it, it's not agoraphobia since it's not that severe and more by choice.

 

[x9x99988]

I live with family so I still get social interaction, even though they drive me crazy sometimes. But I only leave the house when I absolutely have to. Sometimes I prefer going hungry over going into the grocery store. The main reason is that I feel so ugly and I feel like everyone can see right through me, they can see how pathetic I am and surely judge me. I get that this is projection, but I just don't want anyone to see me. I even avoid my family as much as possible and stay in my room pretty much 24/7. It doesn't help that I'm fat (like obese fat), and very self-conscious about that. But sitting at home with minimal movement obviously doesn't help with that.

Getting my driver's license helped for a bit, because I could drive and see the world while in private, listening to music. I always parked in the middle of some fields and smoked weed, watching the sunset or stars. But my mother owns the car, and now she implemented a system where me and my two siblings have to write down the exact amount of km we drove and when into a notebook, so that's off the table because I don't wanna be questioned on that. I suspect it's because she knows I'm suicidal and wants to feel more in control.

Anyone else in a similar situation? I don't even know what to call it, it's not agoraphobia since it's not that severe and more by choice.

yeah i am a shut-in too. i don't like to leave my comfort zone most of the time.

 

[kirillbledny]

yeah i am a shut-in too. i don't like to leave my comfort zone most of the time.

Do you live alone?

 

[discernment]

Very much so. I live on my own and I will sometimes go days without actually speaking to anyone. I don't have any friends or family to speak to. If/when I do die, I think it will take quite a while for anyone to actually realise lol. I do have a job but I work from home most of the time

 

[freycinetia]

I'm a jobless shut-in Only times I leave the house are when it's absolutely necessary. I live alone too so the only social interaction I get is over the internet.

 

[tonicer]

I'm a shut in too and only leave the house when i have to, like grocery shopping or doctor visits. I was overweight too, not obese but still got made fun of. I turned to calisthenics and worked out at home a lot and now i have an athletic figure. That change took about 10 or 15 years. I still don't like being among strangers but i got a lot more confidence than before. Being stronger than most people helped me a lot to overcome the fear.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes. I work from home and live alone. I get everything delivered so- asides from this forum, that's the most social interaction I get. I feel obliged to see my parents once a year and- that can sometimes be the first time I've left the house- other than to put the rubbish out all year.

Like you- it's not agorophobia. It's partly social anxiety for me. I have no desire to be around people- even former friends. I'm also embarassed about my weight and appearance. I just don't have enough desire to see places or do stuff anymore either.

I don't often have the time anyway. Work is often very full on. But, the thought of having to be around people again, of having to look vaguely presentable even puts me off. My preference is to get lost in video games now- when I do have down time. It's like I've been disappearing from the world while still alive. Death is the logical next step.

 

[Pluto]

 

[lastappleonearth]

I live with family so I still get social interaction, even though they drive me crazy sometimes. But I only leave the house when I absolutely have to. Sometimes I prefer going hungry over going into the grocery store. The main reason is that I feel so ugly and I feel like everyone can see right through me, they can see how pathetic I am and surely judge me. I get that this is projection, but I just don't want anyone to see me. I even avoid my family as much as possible and stay in my room pretty much 24/7. It doesn't help that I'm fat (like obese fat), and very self-conscious about that. But sitting at home with minimal movement obviously doesn't help with that.

Getting my driver's license helped for a bit, because I could drive and see the world while in private, listening to music. I always parked in the middle of some fields and smoked weed, watching the sunset or stars. But my mother owns the car, and now she implemented a system where me and my two siblings have to write down the exact amount of km we drove and when into a notebook, so that's off the table because I don't wanna be questioned on that. I suspect it's because she knows I'm suicidal and wants to feel more in control.

Anyone else in a similar situation? I don't even know what to call it, it's not agoraphobia since it's not that severe and more by choice.

Yeah same, the only thing I do is work out and watch shows. I mean, I don't like it, but outside it's worse. I get that it's pathetic, but I don't know what to do anymore. Tough I am forcing myself to leave my comfort zone next week, but I'm super fucking anxious about it

 

[kirillbledny]

My preference is to get lost in video games now- when I do have down time. It's like I've been disappearing from the world while still alive. Death is the logical next step.

I feel exactly the same, sometimes I wonder if I'm even still alive, it's the same shit every day - wake up, play some games, lie down cuz I'm so tired I can't even sit upright anymore, and so on... I feel like I'm already dead, anyway.

Though I am forcing myself to leave my comfort zone next week, but I'm super fucking anxious about it

I hope it goes smoothly!

 

[hughmun9]

I've been a bit of a shut in for 8 months now as well. I've started going out a few times a week though recently, trying to slowly change the situation

 

[kirillbledny]

I've been a bit of a shut in for 8 months now as well. I've started going out a few times a week though recently, trying to slowly change the situation

How's it been going? Do you go to events or just for a walk?

 

[ctb_warrior]

I live at home with my family, they know I'm suicidal and I'm under strong surveillance. My room is checked, my parcels are checked, i cannot go out without telling them where.
Also, all the places at home where I can hide stuff is also checked from time to time, so I can't even store and hide anything that's CTB related.
I once tried to smoke desi weed/ganja to see if it can help overcome SI. They came to know about that also
I am addicted to alcohol, so I used to very carefully smuggle it inside my house, they even got to know that. So, there's nothing much i can do.
The only times I can go out is 2 days work from office. But that too leaves no room for me to do anything. Because I have to board the bus to the office and then use that bus to deboard near my house. There's no outlet to buy anything near the office.

 

[kirillbledny]

I live at home with my family, they know I'm suicidal and I'm under strong surveillance. My room is checked, my parcels are checked, i cannot go out without telling them where.
Also, all the places at home where I can hide stuff is also checked from time to time, so I can't even store and hide anything that's CTB related.
I once tried to smoke desi weed/ganja to see if it can help overcome SI. They came to know about that also
I am addicted to alcohol, so I used to very carefully smuggle it inside my house, they even got to know that. So, there's nothing much i can do.
The only times I can go out is 2 days work from office. But that too leaves no room for me to do anything. Because I have to board the bus to the office and then use that bus to deboard near my house. There's no outlet to buy anything near the office.

Living under such surveillance would actually destroy me, I'm not surprised that you wanna ctb, that's fucked up. I hate people who force others to stay alive. Right to live means right to die, too.

 

[hughmun9]

How's it been going? Do you go to events or just for a walk?

Honestly I've become pretty numb to socializing so most of the time it's not the most pleasant experience. It's little mental health events here and there. I've got one scheduled for next wednesday which is just a walk. Monday is a meet up where people just meet and talk for 2 hrs.

I have found however that being around people is a bit grounding, regardless of whether I enjoy it or not. I do live alone so if not for these I wouldn't interact with any human being at all.

I am doing this in the hopes that long long term 4-6 months down the line I could be more regulated and start feeling things again. It is very hard to do given that I'm getting so little immediate feedback though... but I'll keep with it.

 

[kirillbledny]

Honestly I've become pretty numb to socializing so most of the time it's not the most pleasant experience. It's little mental health events here and there. I've got one scheduled for next wednesday which is just a walk. Monday is a meet up where people just meet and talk for 2 hrs.

I have found however that being around people is a bit grounding, regardless of whether I enjoy it or not. I do live alone so if not for these I wouldn't interact with any human being at all.

I am doing this in the hopes that long long term 4-6 months down the line I could be more regulated and start feeling things again. It is very hard to do given that I'm getting so little immediate feedback though... but I'll keep with it.

I read somewhere that face-to-face conversation/human interaction reduces stress, so it makes sense that you feel a bit more grounded afterwards. It's probably gonna be a slow process but if you stick with it hopefully it'll get better.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Living under such surveillance would actually destroy me, I'm not surprised that you wanna ctb, that's fucked up. I hate people who force others to stay alive. Right to live means right to die, too.

Yeah, that's literally crazy. I was talking to my ex on call couple of years ago, we were flirting and teasing each other and just then, my father entered the scene and i was trying to move away from him so he couldn't hear the conversation but he heard the conversation anyways.
I was like ughhhhhhh. If I have to get a partner, I'll have to give her time and have intimate talks, without enough privacy, how can i do that.

 

[kirillbledny]

Yeah, that's literally crazy. I was talking to my ex on call couple of years ago, we were flirting and teasing each other and just then, my father entered the scene and i was trying to move away from him so he couldn't hear the conversation but he heard the conversation anyways.
I was like ughhhhhhh. If I have to get a partner, I'll have to give her time and have intimate talks, without enough privacy, how can i do that.

It literally sounds like you're in a psych ward except the nurses and doctors are replaced with you family members, no freedom, no privacy, nothing. Basically impossible to get a partner under such circumstances. How old are you? (If you're comfortable answering)

 

[ctb_warrior]

It literally sounds like you're in a psych ward except the nurses and doctors are replaced with you family members, no freedom, no privacy, nothing. Basically impossible to get a partner under such circumstances. How old are you? (If you're comfortable answering)

Haha you can say so i feel like a pet dog who gets to eat food 3 times a day. Or may be a bird in the cage. The only thing i can be happy about is, perceived comfort.

I'm 36 right now and I'm treated as a kid.
Last month I was away from family.. i used to get calls twice a day to ensure that I'm ok and to check if i took alcohol
I had ODed on clonazepam, they called me in the morning, they got to know that something is wrong

 

[kirillbledny]

Haha you can say so i feel like a pet dog who gets to eat food 3 times a day. Or may be a bird in the cage. The only thing i can be happy about is, perceived comfort.

I'm 36 right now and I'm treated as a kid.
Last month I was away from family.. i used to get calls twice a day to ensure that I'm ok and to check if i took alcohol
I had ODed on clonazepam, they called me in the morning, they got to know that something is wrong

Bro that sucks ass. About a month ago my mom was talking to me about getting a job again, so I just straight up told her I planned my suicide, because all she (and everyone in my family) wants to talk about is that, and I couldn't bear it anymore. She said that if I do it, I will ruin the rest of her life and every single day she'll be thinking of it, and that I'll "pull a black drape over our family", because everyone loves me. Ever since then it's like I'm on home suicide watch, one time I visited my grandma for an hour and got a worried call from my mom telling me "don't do anything stupid" etc. It just pisses me off lol I wanna be gone as fuck

 

[ctb_warrior]

Bro that sucks ass. About a month ago my mom was talking to me about getting a job again, so I just straight up told her I planned my suicide, because all she (and everyone in my family) wants to talk about is that, and I couldn't bear it anymore. She said that if I do it, I will ruin the rest of her life and every single day she'll be thinking of it, and that I'll "pull a black drape over our family", because everyone loves me. Ever since then it's like I'm on home suicide watch, one time I visited my grandma for an hour and got a worried call from my mom telling me "don't do anything stupid" etc. It just pisses me off lol I wanna be gone as fuck

It's really so annoying that they brought us into this world without our permission, then why don't we have the option to go from this world by our will.
The day I confessed at my home that I'm suicidal, it was a weird scene. My mom started crying. I asked them, why did they brought me to the world when they knew how is it like.
I asked them for a potent poison so I could be gone.
They don't understand that every other day is usually a torture with some exceptions when the day is actually good.
I don't want to do my job. I just want to sit in my room and focus on my ideation so I could finally end this. I have been trying to CTB for last 2 decades.20+ fucking years. Still alive. What a shame.
I did a mistake in 2023. I had access to sasu. I read the sn method but I don't know why it didn't click me. Back then SN was easily available in India. It was also easy to get benzos back then. I could have easily executed the protocol at night and get done with it.
I missed it

 

[kirillbledny]

It's really so annoying that they brought us into this world without our permission, then why don't we have the option to go from this world by our will.
The day I confessed at my home that I'm suicidal, it was a weird scene. My mom started crying. I asked them, why did they brought me to the world when they knew how is it like.
I asked them for a potent poison so I could be gone.
They don't understand that every other day is usually a torture with some exceptions when the day is actually good.
I don't want to do my job. I just want to sit in my room and focus on my ideation so I could finally end this. I have been trying to CTB for last 2 decades.20+ fucking years. Still alive. What a shame.
I did a mistake in 2023. I had access to sasu. I read the sn method but I don't know why it didn't click me. Back then SN was easily available in India. It was also easy to get benzos back then. I could have easily executed the protocol at night and get done with it.
I missed it

Is SN banned in India now? I honestly never knew about this method before sasu, I'm Czech and SN is readily available here and cheap, I have benzos too, so I'm all set. Sucks you missed that window.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Is SN banned in India now? I honestly never knew about this method before sasu, I'm Czech and SN is readily available here and cheap, I have benzos too, so I'm all set. Sucks you missed that window.

It's not really banned but extremely difficult to find it now. No one has been able to narrow down on a good source.
Yeah, i missed the golden window. I would have been a memory by now or may be a ghost
I'm so happy for you that you've what's needed for you to ctb. I wish you all the love, luck, success and happiness in everything you choose

 

[korchoi]

I have severe social phobia, so it's been a long time since I've been able to leave the house. I need to go out to earn money, but I'm worried about it.

 

[Soloh]

I'm in a similar place but I've gone from a little bit of a shut-in to completely freaked about leaving my house which I haven't left in about five years.

Yikes, I know.

That's when my mobility and health went to shit. My panic attacks and social anxiety finally took over (I really fought these urges through the pandemic to try and hold it together) and I can't bear being around people because physically I've gone to shit every which way. I don't even go to the doctor. It's too overwhelming and I worry about being judged for letting things pile up. I'm so fucking pathetic and a burden to my family. All I want is to die.

Tomorrow would've been the ideal date but circumstances have prevented that too.