Jisatsu
黒い薔薇(The Black Rose)
- Jan 5, 2025
- 2,012
It feels like there's this gaping hole in my chest where someone used to fit perfectly, even if it hurt sometimes. I don't know who I am without mirroring someone, without obsessing over every text, without feeling like my entire existence is tied to one person. I should feel free, right? But instead I feel… empty. Like the silence is louder than their voice ever was.
It's exhausting trying to rebuild myself when I never even knew who I really was to begin with. I miss the intensity, the highs and lows, even though it broke me. I miss feeling like someone mattered enough to tether me to the world. Now I just float ... aimless, weightless, like I could drift off and no one would even notice.
Everyone says it's healthier this way, that I'll grow stronger on my own. Maybe they're right. But right now, it just feels lonely. It feels like I'm mourning a part of me that only exists when I'm tied to someone else.
It's terrifying, because part of me wants to go find someone new to latch onto, just to stop the emptiness. But another part of me knows that cycle never ends well. It's always the same pattern: I get too close, I get too intense, they pull away, and I'm left bleeding out again....
It's now like everything is muted. I hate the way I want to be consumed, the way I crave being someone's everything. Without that, I don't know how to exist. It's not freedom, it's just emptiness disguised as "independence."
It's exhausting trying to rebuild myself when I never even knew who I really was to begin with. I miss the intensity, the highs and lows, even though it broke me. I miss feeling like someone mattered enough to tether me to the world. Now I just float ... aimless, weightless, like I could drift off and no one would even notice.
Everyone says it's healthier this way, that I'll grow stronger on my own. Maybe they're right. But right now, it just feels lonely. It feels like I'm mourning a part of me that only exists when I'm tied to someone else.
It's terrifying, because part of me wants to go find someone new to latch onto, just to stop the emptiness. But another part of me knows that cycle never ends well. It's always the same pattern: I get too close, I get too intense, they pull away, and I'm left bleeding out again....
It's now like everything is muted. I hate the way I want to be consumed, the way I crave being someone's everything. Without that, I don't know how to exist. It's not freedom, it's just emptiness disguised as "independence."
