Venting Living in constant regret

[Dainhla]

I made a promise to myself. If nothing improved for the end of this year, I would CTB. I wished to recover my self-steem, re find who I am ('cause Idk when I lost that essential thing, that I thought that I could never lose), get back my motivation of living, my motivation for keep going... You know? All that kind of stuff that can change your will to CTB. I also thought that maybe if I found a partner, someone to talk to, because I didn't have anyone, so I really believed that maybe having someone, would help me to overcome my suicidal ideations, my suicidal plans, my SHing...

And the thing is that I did find somebody. And at first I thought that I could make it. I wanted to bring back myself, bring back the joy and happiness that I once had... But, even though I talked to him, I told him about my demeanours changes, my suicidal ideations, my CTB trials, and my plans... I feel worse.

He worries for me. He tries to show me that I'm great, that my live is worth living and that I'm loved...But, strangely, knowing that he cares makes me feel so much worse. I'm aware he's going to be devastated if I tried to CTB, 'cause he has also a lot of problems and right now, I'm like the only person he can trust. And I wish, I wish so bad that I didn't meet him. I don't want to keep living, but I don't want to make him sad. He doesn't deserve any more pain in his life.

But I don't know how, I keep feeling sad without any reason. My mind can't stop telling me that I have no future, that I'm useless, worthless of everything.... And I know is true, I don't want to keep going on. I'm tired, and I feel selfish for that, 'cause there're so many people in this world trying out again, and again, and again. And I just...Complain.

I really wish I didn't wished at all being loved.

 

[FocusExpert]

Makes sense.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's understandable feeling so tired of existing here and I don't believe that feeling in such a way could ever make one selfish as it's a perfectly valid way to feel and it isn't like any of us are obligated to continue existing here anyway, it's a personal decision. But anyway best wishes.